JENNIFER

Hola !! Holla !! Holllarrrrrrrrr!!
…Don’t get it twisted though…”DEPTH thingies is still going on..
Just had to cut in, break in transmission..to tell you what’s..up!!
So ..what’s up??
*expecting*
Pssst…ok this is really the part where i expect you fellas to reply me and say cliche’ shits like..
“Oh am cool..am aight..am great..am dracularrr..bla bla blaaaaaaaaa”!! Hehehehe..*laughing*..screw that! don’t mind me..don’t know why i just remembered hotel translyania …or something like that!
No?
Screw you! *poker face*

Ok. Thought so too.
………..Officall BREAK-IN-TRANSMISSION……..
*wide goofy smile*
You aint buying it are you?
Seriously? You actually shaking your head?..
Aww really?
Screw you twice!!
Mehn!!
You people are so hard to please.
Anyways…
.
.
.
.
.
Extra …….
Oh…yeah!! *recollects*
Was wondering why i wanted the transmission in the first place..
I just ..remembered. “Jennifer”
And yes its jennifer..that name.
And no, it has nothing to do with or have any resemblance or similarity to do the “once unpon a time..”Bisi” in that long ago nigerian soap..’I need to know” …all girly and shii in her youthful exurberance sowing her wild oats…to the full blown woman..playing “Jennifa”…in all her local champion glory..
So nope!!
Nothing at all in connection.
This is me…awesome that i am oh..getting hate calls from random dudes…calling me jennifer!!
*mad*
Visualize just how annoying it is.
Am here having my me-time…and…ring ring..*well actually its bruno mars..if i was your man ring tone..so i was already feeling the song “….

Me- Helo

Random caller 1- helo?

Me- yes! Helo?

Random caller 1- jennifer..what’s up?
*confused*
Me- er…am sorry! This is not jennifer. I think you dailed a wrong number. Please check and dail again.

Random caller 1- jennifer? I done catch you today.

Me- excuse me?? This is not jennifer. Please who is this?

Random caller 1-..jennifer why are you lying? Jennifer na so you won do baa?

*ok getting pissed *
Me– am sorry mr. This is not jennifer and i don’t know what you are reffing to. I don’t know where you got my number from. Whoa wait!
Where did you get my number from?

Random caller 1- jennifer stop lying. I got it from facebook. We have being chatting. You posted it on facebook. Your name is jennifer akwue. I dailed the number from your facebook profile. So jennifer what’s all this eh? What’s up na?

Me-..*tha f**k!! Dude !!
*kinda raising voice*
“Please don’t call this number again. I don’t know anyone by that name ..and even if i had my number on my facebook profile…*which i dont* ..you would know what my actuall name is..and its so not JEnNiFER!! Now leave me alone…*cuts fone*
..
Can you imagine???
*ignored the calls that came in from that number.

Well…he sent a couple of messages…which had random shiis like..
“Jennifer why are you doing this to me?
“Jennifer you don’t like me anymore?”
Jennifer come make we see na”
“Jennifer..jennifer..jennifer””
…Am like arrrrgggggghhh”
….
Am like…”DUDE I AM NOT JENNIFER!!! JESUS!!
*thinking# Whose is the dumb mo”fo that put my number on her profile as a contact number…?? Or is the dude such a dufus that he don’t know he dailed a wrong number?? Tha hell!!
After a couple of days..it died down..and am thinking..ok. Some peace of mind.
Of cause,mysterious caLler had other plans
..2months later
…Different number calls.
How do i know?
Ok..because i don’t want to mistakenly pick that other number again..i saved it as…”Never pick! Ignore dufus”
…Yeah!! *straight face*
What??
Don’t blame me jor..that call upset me big”
Sha…different number..so i answered as a normal person would..
Plus it was past 1 at night..so i wasn’t looking for a chit-chat at that time.
I was curious! Yes i was!!
Who would be calling by that time? Plus the whole midnight calling thingie has long since died down…people like me need my beauty sleep..plus this days…once you want to start calling someone at night is either…
One; you are jobless…because workaholics do need their beauty sleep.
Two; you are a broke ass nigguh. Or lass..so, you know you don’t got that kind of money to spend on calls, so why not just load 100bucks and you are good to go.
Third; you are a full blown wizard/witch as it case may be..and its this time of night operation begins so you are looking for who is awake..to do the do-do!!
Yes?
No?
Er…ok oh

Like i said..i was curious so…

Me- hello?
Random caller2 -helo jennifer?
*light bulbs go off in my head*
Trying to be calm. Maybe its just a coincidence. Right?
No?
Thought so too..!still..
Me-please, this is not jennifer.
Random caller 2- ok! Please what’s your name.
Me- *thinks quickly. If i tell this strange dude my name what are the consequences..anyow sha..its step…shut up bitch*..
“rita! My name is rita.
Random caller.2..- please where are you?
*really?*
Me…* takes in a breath of fresh air*..rita from abuja! So am not jennifer. Check your number and dail again. Please this is a wrong number. Thank you. Have a good day.
Random caller 2-..so you say you are not jennifer? Ok. Rita. So what’s up? I like you.let’s get to know each other. Can we talk? We can talk for as long as you want. The whole night. Am not sleepy. I like you…eh jenn..er rita..so whe….

Me- please!! Who ever this is..apparently you are mistakening me for someone else. Am not jennifer. And no we cannot talk..plus do you know what the time is? Do you just call random people up at night to get your boredom out of the way?
Please don’t call me again. Have a nice day.

Randome caller 2..- ok can i call you in the morning?

Me-..jesu!! NO!!

*official pissoff mood*
He actually called. In the morning. Even when i said NO!!
All ya’all heard it right?
I said NO!!
He still called.
Trust!! I already saved it as..”Midnight dufus! Never pick.Jennifer stalker 2”.
Yes!! My phone allowed me so…don’t judge me!!

Ofcause it didn’t stop there. The dude.apparently uses different numbers now at randoms…maybe recruits the help of friends too..
I have had up to 13 different callers….using different approaches…but something still stands out…
That name that makes me want to snap someone’s neck into two, shove a pile of burnt wood up dinasaurs’s tush…and choke the christmas bunny with eggs and pee out raspberry juice…i get so angry…;;;JENNIFER!!!!
Too the extent that…this mo”fo whatsapps me now.
*crying*
Yes!! He whatsapps me..*wailing and cleaning catarh from my congested nostrils*
*Painment*
I can’t take this anymore.
Look at me!! *looks at myself*
Am i jennifer?
Do i look at jennifer?
I swear if i catch this jennifer i would do to her what she dreads the most. Making me go through all this..am gonna have mine!!! *raises fist in the air and shakes it forcefully*
Do you know why it hurts so much right now??
Its being six months, and one week and three days…yes i have been subconciously counting.
He just called again…with a +601…bla bla bla number
And see how i rush the caLl…
Obodo oyibo call na…well that’s what it is..shei?
+234..bla bla bla is nigerian shei?
Thinking*
Anywayz… I picked!!

Hello!!
Random caller..unknown – helo jennifer??
.
Me- crying!!!

*please …*sniff sniff*…please jennifer…if i ever did anything to you..whoever you are. Am sorry!! *doing puppy eyes*…just make it stop. Give them your real number. If you took their money, jewels, malekies..or whatever gives girls like you high these days..please puleeeez return them.
P.s..am in no way calling you a thief! Please ! Am just saying that..I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! *wails*
Random caller ..unknown–Jenny..jenny poo poo bear!! Jennifer i know you are the one!!

Me- thunder go fire you!!! If you ever call my line again!! Listen …
I will find you and i will eat you!! This is not jennifer!! You well?
No!! You you…you…

The voice is still heard through. “But jennifer…stop pretending!!
..Jennifer!!
Jennifer?
…*shoots self*
……………………….END……………

…Oh!! Shit!! She done did’it!!!

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