DISCLAIMER : this letter has no resemblance nor similarity to any event or circumstances known, nor those it relate to any person nor situation. This is purely fictional. So whatever thought you possess..it is entirely your doing and I am not responsible for that. Having said that…listen to the heart that blEeds of hurts!!
I never believed that this day would come. I sat in that room today with you and I saw that you never cared. That you never loved me. I saw not a glint of the man who professed love to me and sang his praises..you told me you were different..you weren’t. You said you would never be like them..you turned out to be just them, only so much worse.
You couldn’t even tell me to my face the real reason..even if I knew, I wanted you to say it..directly to me..to my face..not behind my back..to me..to me whom you claimed to love, want..and would never leave.
I remember asking you that..question the day before you left..while I kissed your forehead,your nose,your chicks and your lips and woke you up..I had wispered into your ear
” I love you, now and always,..don’t leave me.”
And you had replied..
“I love you too and I wldnt leave you”..
but that was another lie ainnit?
Amongs all the lies you’v told me since we started.
Remi, why me?
Why didn’t you pick someone else?..
There were awhole other girls who would have fiTted well into this..just sex n no strings attached..why would you pick me?
What did I do wrong than to love you wholely,totally and unconditionally. Was that my crime?
I didn’t care about anything..you had nothing and I didn’t care..proving to you that am not materalistic,when I love I love and am willing to go all the way, bared out all to you..I wasn’t perfect..I had flaws and made mistakes..right from the begining I had tried to lay that foundation of honesty, trust, love, respect..etc..I laid it first on the table. You didn’t.
I believed you to not have done any wrong. But then you were lying. Unfortunately for you I found out. I wanted to leave..you begged me not to by lying to me.again. That the other woman meant nothing. I meant something and you loved me. I stayed. Not listening to reason. Not listening to what people had to say
” Don’t Gloria..don’t!
I didn’t listen. I was following my heart and my heart wantd you. Wanted to believe you. My heart was already falling for you. I stayed. I believed you. I would tell them..”he is different. He loves me. He wld talk to me,listen to me, apologize when he is wrong, we fight and we make up same day so we dont sleep with the anger, he would hold my hands, he is a lover and a frnd. He is passionate,he is loving he is kind..and I love him”. I told them.
I had loved you from the moment my heart accpted you, with my body I have loved you, not restricting you, or putting borders between us. Even when you told me you didn’t want to use again..I was scared..but I trusted you..I allowed you and for months I had been so intimate wit you than I have been before with anyone. It never mattered to you but it did to me. Everytime I spent with you, I became closer..more connected..everytime I kissed you, touched you or we made love..I gave up all doubts, every laughter we shared, or played silly games like
“3 lines to a song”,
or u’ll spank my butt for the fun of it,or chase me in the dark or
” when I was in connecticut as a chef in 1802″
or when you’ll just hold me at nIght while I curl myslf into ur folds and put my legs inbetween yours, I fell inlove with you all over again. See, I made you my everything, my world even revolved around you, my love..I gave freely. When you sat there and dictated
” Gloria don’t go here, don’t do dis, don’t do that, don’t travel, don’t talk to boiz or hang with the oppossit sex””
..I allowed it and did all you asked..I may not have been cool with it, even got angry..yet I did. You knew I’ll do anything you asked..you knew I was just like that. It wasn’t because I didn’t have a mind of my own. But it was because I loved you like that and in a relationship there is no “I”..but “we”. For that I let go of my resolves so that my relationship would work. I let go of friends, I practically ended my social life.I gave up people, I made sacrifices, took risks and I choose YOU!!!
I would spend almost an entire week with you..day and night..mondays thru sundays..week in and week out, mounths passing by..I never loved you less.
I didn’t complain. I was content with you. When I was told u wouldnt last a month..I told them you were different.
When you lasted 2months I tripped all over again and stopped listening. When we made it to the end of the year..I was loving you still. Yes we had fights..we quarrelled, we made up..I never loved you less. I was hurting. I begged you.literally begged you. I cried. I pleaded..I asked you to stop it. Becaause you told me it was nothing..becs you lied to me it was nothing. And I belived you. Why? For months in and out..I was building up Us while you were tearing Us down and apart..I still stayed..for everycall, text, chat,pics,lovemsgs exchanged, for everytyn you allowed you twisted a knive in my chest..I stayed. Because I was giving Us a chance, I was believing you, you asked for time and I did give you years of my time with you..nothing changed. Not because it couldnt. But because u didn’t want it to. Why did you keep me then? And all of a sudden spit me out lik I was disgusting to you..and you couldnt have the guts to tell me
“I love bekky and its her I want to marry” Gloria I don’t love, she is practically my agemate,she’s a nagger,she is all over me and I don’t like girls like that..etc.” You’ll say it to ur sister, to your friends..not to me. And you kept me. Everytime I talk to you about it you made me a fool., you made me feel stupid..I didn’t knw what I saw. Famous Remi’s quote
“your eyes only see what you want them to see or your ears only hear wat you want them to hear”..
everytime. I pointed all this out to you..I had asked times without number..tell mi who you want and if its not me..I’ll go away while my head is still on my shoulder and my heart is not broken into pieces. I told you to choose..I wasn’t mean…I just needed to know where I stand. But unknown to me…I wasn’t even an option. It was Bekky from the start. I was jst filling the side-chick main time role till you were satisfied.
I was inlove with someone who didn’t even bare me a secnd’s thought. You never considered how I felt or will feel. Evertime I shed a tear for you you looked and laughed at my face. Everytime I told you I love you, were you mocking me? See, I know I love you..I am honest like that. And I have said I don’t know how to pretend. I don’t go around sleeping with people. If its you its you. And it was you. Always has been YOU. Once it began with you I didn’t let my past infriinge on what I had going for me with you because I wanted us to work. If you love someone that’s wat you do. if you really did, REMI I need not tell you twice. You would have never let anything come inbetween us..but you never cared one bit for me so that wasn’t a problem. So while we laughed and played and made love and ate and spent time together and went out and stayed together all these while..I have been loving you and you have been seeing her in your mind. And loving her. Why didn’t you let me go when I wanted to. You asked for time and I gave you. I was in pains..yet I stayed becasue I love you and I wasn’t going to give up on that..I just nEeded you to want me as ii did you.
It was all a lie..US..that’s what I see now. That what you told me today. The writting was on the wall I ignored it..because I trusted you, loved you and was willing to fight for it. You say you tried your best..?
Smh..I say you didn’t..you didn’t lift a finger, because I wasn’t all that to you. If you did love me you wouldn’t even say
“I tried my best”
you would say
” I love u and NO! I won’t let you go” . Instead u looked striaght into my eyes and said what ever I think is right. Its true. You have nothing to say, no explanation to give.
You hurt me. Was I that bad? Was all the time I spent with you make you want to throw up. Did you hate me so? Did you not feel all I felt for you. Was I so wrong??
She wasn’t here but you use her to hurt me. I never asked for this. I didn’t walk knowingly into her and you and decided to come inbetween your relationship and fight for what wasn’t mine in the first place.
NO!! You told me there was none. You told me you wanted and loved me.you came to me, out of the blue, tall lanky and beautiful and I loved you for who you are. Not what. I believed you. I loved you despite your flaws. I saw ur bullshit and I stayed. No girl will eva love you the way I did thruough my pains. No girl will ever take this the way I did. I told you not even Bekky if she knew. If she was me and I was her.
You love her so much right?..you wouldnt have hurt her. She is your queen and your world and you love her blindly..won’t disaPpoint her..come back and marry her, she completes you..makes you whole, its both your month ..August! You went and rekindled this weekend hmm.? When you told me you had a family emergency it was her you were going to met!
*happy anniversary/birthday in advance. I wouldnt get to say it then so I’ll just do it now*
Why did you allow me believe in a fairtale then?
Did you take my heart and break it into a thousand pieces. You asked how I am earlier?.
I am broken.
I am in the worst state I’ll ever be.
You say I’ll be ok..you don’t know the half of it.
You say I’ll be happy.
Did you care to ask me?
Did I look as though I’ll be ok? I have cried my eyes out till am empty and no tears left. I have stayed awake for so many nights as I did today..playing back scenes, trying to see what I did wrong. I didn’t cheat on you, double date, I did all what you asked and what a girlfriend would do for her boyfriend.
I cooked, I cleaned,I washed, when you wanted me I was there, when you didn’t want I gave you your space, ii cared for you, I loved you, I made love to you, I laughed and joked and played..I did everything with you, I put you first. I gave all of me to you..what did I do wrong?? Because I saw what you were doing wrong and refused to allow you continue unabated?
You say I nag.? I don’t. I only wanted what every girl wants..her man’s love and attention wwhy would I fight for It and share it?
I gave you a 101 percnt. I asked that you give me too. But you didn’t even give me 30.
You disrespected me, dis-valued me, made me worthless, everytime you entertained calls, texts and chats and everthing was all
” I love you back to back and mushyiness”…
I stayed.I was hurt.I cmplained. I pleaded it to go away, yet you say I nag, am impatient..etc..don’t you have a heart.?
Despite this, yet I stayed. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. Am human..that’s what you fail to realise. I will get hurt, be moody, feel pain..and awhole lot of emotion, I will cry, vent…plead. But all this while I never disrespected you back nor disvalued you. I didn’t insult you or brought down your worth.
I didn’t try to pay you back.
The highest I did was be quiet. Am pleading
” Remi, prove to me what you told me is real.that this is real, you n I, Us is real. Surprise me. Make me say
“”am sorry Remi for disbelieving you when you say you’ll work it/handle it and you did. “.
I was hoping for that ray of light but it never came.
They told me to let Go. I said No. You don’t know him as I do.you can’t share something with someone for this long and mean nothing. What if I walk out and he is true?
And the reply is ” what if you stay and its a lie.?
I guess I found out my answer.
You can share something with someone for this long and still the person doesn’t mean shit to you..I didn’t mean shit to you. Once a man can’t respect her, value her, then he don’t love her n she don’t mean shit to him.
It just hurts that ”
it did mean everything to me untill you threw it away”. I didn’t nag..I silently told you n talked to you.I needed change. Other girls would Nag,not only nag..you know it..they would do much worse.
I was quiet, patient, even understanding enough..yet you never gave me credit for it. I never presurerized you into marriage. How dare you insuinate that. Why would you say that?
All of a sudden am old for you. All of a sudden am overcrowding you, suffocating you and all over you.
with your words you twisted the dagger that you’v placed in my heart and kept turning bit my bit. Now you hammered it and broke it into a million tiny pieces. I hope you are happy?.
Don’t tell me its for my gud.
No!! TeLl mi its because I was nothing more than your sex toy and your pass time till you are done.
Because what I wanted didn’t matter. Don’t say you are letting me go because am not happy because I was willing to go all the way with you.
You say am not the girl you used to know..you happened to me. You caused me to be sad more than am supposed to be happy. Yet Remi, I still stayed because I believed things will get better with time. I was still willing to stay. Stupid stupid me right?
Despite. I was giving you the chance. Because I was moody for a couple of days..you showed your true self. If I didn’t call, what stopped you.
If I didn’t reach out.why didn’t you. Not forgottn you hurt me before you left.
Yet, you were quick to tell mi
“we nEed a break”
when you tell sm1 else
“you were done with me. Am this and that and the truth came out
” I love bekky”. So Gloria and I is ove”. Why wouldnt you say that to me while I sat there. ? You say you have nothing to say, no explanation, No apology even? What wrong did I do to deserve this? Did I not love you?
Every fibre in my being did. And you sat there n threw it back @ my face. Thank you.
Today I feel so worthless I can’t stare @myslf. I feel used. So unloved than I have eva felt in my entire life. You didn’t do this for me..you did this for you.because if you had asked me..”I would have tld you otherwise. I would have told you I wasn’t going to give you up. I did love you like that. But as I looked into your eyes, the way you talkd to me, mocked me with that lopsided grin/smirk on ur face as you answered me, I knew that..I had lost. So wether I told you I stil love and want you there and then..you wouldnt have cared. Why humiliate myslf further?
No. I saw what I have been refusing to see..
“the niccur never loved me”. You didn’t. I was just too stupid, niave to notice. Thanks for showing me.
Why not since.
You say I shld forget you..I will. Though am hurting now, it will pass. Time will heal. It wld come as the river, flow like the tide and wash off all my hurt and pain..and I’ll be fine. How long that’s going to take I don’t know. When I’ll stop feeling this way for you..I don’t know. I pray soon..because I cant do anything but hurt.
ANd I need the pain to stop. No point loving someone who doesnt love you back.its unbearable. That’s the worst thing you can wish on a person. It just had to take 2years and 8months for me to realise that, and a couple of days for you to show me.
So I hope you are happy. And I hope you bekky have and enjoy the love you share and have for her,that eevn I couldnt even dream to keep because it wasn’t mine in the first place..
You say I should..forget you.?
Let go of you?
Find someone to love me..!! because you didn’t. Right? *smiles*. In time.
I did love you..#I do still love you.# its crazy..but I do. How am supposed to live with this, without you, I don’t know. You’v made your choice.so I’ll let Go. Its killing me. But I have to.
If I had laid beside you yester when I came in..would you have let me?
If I had tried to kiss you, hold you, rest my head on your shoulder..would you have let me?
Or you would have told me..gloria!…while pushing me away…am done with you?? Just go home..and walked me out.
you would have done so right?
And all the while I was screaming…if only he would reach out..he’ll know am not strong enough.
If he came to me now, drawing me into his arms I’ll go into his fold. Because I miss him. I didn’t want to fight. I want him. I want us. I love him and its crazy like that.
I saw that message while I was on a trip away and I was like..ok say he is pissed, we’ll settled when I get home.I was sad about something he did so I just nEeded to cool off. but breaking up with you was never on top of my list.
I came back n got another bombshell. Smh. I walked into that room hoping..to see just a glimer or hope..that the man he says he is in somewhere inbetween . Yet I saw a wall I have never seen before. I saw I had lost and he had won.
First step of letting Go is LETTING YOU GO!
Don’t say I never loved you or that I wasn’t willing to stay.
Please..this is not a plea. A comeback or what have you. Infact take this to mean..”A line of my thoughts you were not n neva meant to hear or see” because you weren’t.
So don’t rpely. Because I dont want to know anymore.
I have no more grudge. No more. As of this minute..you cease to exist in my world and I’ll start the process of forgetting you.
So.have a nice life Remi.God be with you and Yours. In my anger I had wished you a whole more worse, but I wouldn’t anymore. BeCause its not me and I won’t start today. So from my heart..I pray and wish that you and Yours have a wonderful and blossoming relationship evn till the confines of marriage. Because that’s your heart’s desire.
Let nothing come in your way. She’s a lucky girl. For you to love her like that. God bless you both.
With Love, Always.