No one ever tells you how to live with it..
No one ever quite understands that searing pain that chokes you..seizing your breath and you feel suffocated…
I know it..because I have also felt it too….its deafing. ..that pain!!
If begins to hurt like hell when you realise that..that smile was the last..that rich laughter was the last sweet sound you’ll ever hear of that loved one..that voice that spoke to you..scolded you..cautioned and adviced you..and spoke silent volumes of love breaking your every core would be the last..
You walk as though unbelieving..seeing shadows of their mere existence..hoping that it’s just a bad dream..hoping your name be called out and you turn..seeing that perfect masterpiece God created…urging you with a smile or a wave of the hand..you still can’t quite understand..
Oh death!!..thy stings hurt more than a thousand bees!!..searing me apart and leaving me out in the cold..
Cold!!…that’s how the hands felt when held..void of life when before now it sprouted out like flowers on spring..
No one quite understands the pain we feel…oh God let it be a dream…
You’ll wish for a thousand things all revolving to atleast being with them in their last moments..letting them know..how much they are loved..hoping life repays you with a chance to see them again…just once..
“DEAD AND GONE!!!” You hear them wispers it as they pay their condolences
‘ONLY GOD KNOWS BEST”!!!… you wish they would stop talking.
“IT IS WELL!!””…They encourage still…but within…In the shut walls of your heart you are screaming..can’t no one see it?
Can’t they hear it?…
How do I go on..?
When the rain begins and you are buried six feets under..don’t they care you will catch a cold?
When the sun comes..don’t they realise you will be scorched…?
What about the uncomfortable box you are kept it…no air comes in..just tiny insects looking to steal in and crawl on you…and I can’t be there to ward them off because you hate those crawling things..who would help to understand that’s not your place???
…oh death!! Why does your sting hurt in so many places still..
No one prepares you..
No one quite understands..
You have to bare it all in..
You have to be strong..
Just a lil while…The end hasn’t come.
In that shattered wall within his heart..In that searing pain daring to tear him apart…Jack Adokiye cried..
“I Miss YOU MUM!!’..
No one quite understands it all…
Yet…all they can do..is to cry and sympathise with you..
Wishing you well..
Hoping you be well…****(I stop here to allow him be heared)***
Jack wrote :……*And then they said, ‘oh sorry oh’
‘please take heart’ ‘be strong bro’
‘God knows why’ ‘don’t cry, accept my condolence’
They look at me with this mushy effusiveness
And then expect me to ‘Man up’ and be a ‘grown up’ about it.
But how can I be a grown up about it.
‘it’ being the fact that my earthly definition of the word ‘Mother’ has been transcended into heavenly realms and my innate biology is limited to comprehend this new reality that is now our familial fate.
The after effect of your passing on is something I never want to come to conscious terms with.
So for a few days (or little over a week) I drifted in a false reality of a life fateful events made my fate.
Overcompensated, binged, self indulged, became hyper reclusive, all to establish some grounds for emotional strength, albeit no justification exists.
Being human, I cried…
Being a better human I cried the more…
I sat on the seat of my water closet, left the shower running, as I replayed vivid expressions of the virtues you subtly displayed and strongly taught.
It became clearer to me that, You were just a Girl.
Even before you met my Dad and became my mother, you were just a girl.
I saw you blush over manly advances,
I saw you submit to the ‘authority’ of my father.
I was at the receiving end of your ‘not sparing the rod’ sessions. And in all you loved me. You loved all of your children in a way that we all took turns in becoming jealous of your catering to our individual love languages.
I must admit I miss you.
And your memories are indelibly written in my heart with the same blood we both shared.
Except my memories fail me, or you never told me ‘I love you’, yet you ineffably proved your love to us in a way that platitudes can’t measure.
Mum, you are alive and I’m not in denial.
You are alive, but in a higher dimension.
And as long as I live, I will always love you.
Forever Irreplaceable, Your soul survives.
Never goodbye, Always grateful…
I LOVE YOU MUM…!!!!!!
***….While the tears rolled down…a familar poem comes to mind…
***Who sat and watched my infant head……………….My mother!!!
******I Miss you Mum!!
“Gone but not forgotten.
Never faded from my memory
Though cut short was your
Journey…but I’ll never forget
you in a hurry..
While I was in your tummy..
You loved me even though
It was bumpy ….
and I adored
And called you mummy..
You’ve been all of life’s blessings..
My guide and anchor..my number
Though this life is gone…but till
The end comes…I’ll wait..Never
Forgetting till I see
Dedicated to …..”Mrs Adokiye”….Jack Adokiye’s Mum.
…..may your soul find peace!!.
P.S…Thank you jack…despite the pain..you still put it in words and wrote it in love..let your heart be comforted too.