Goodbye my lil one!!!

It’s been a long 15 years. .since then.
In her middle 40s now..yet when she remembers it..it stings like a bee..in the far reclosed place where she tucked it in her mind..

………Xoxoxo xo. …….

He was her first..true love..
From the moment she met him she knew..that he will be her last…she needed no other.

No matter how poor and rugged he looked..He still was her prince..and
when they kissed..it was electrifying…
Just like the fairytales claimed it will be..

Then…He was nothing more than a Struggling young man and she was a homely girl and nothing more…yet their love never dissipated nor did it wax cold. So young but yet so very inlove. .

The years went by..in fours..together they stood strong never waving in the trials of hardships. They had promised themselves to each other…but they couldn’t live on few pieces of notes and tiny wraps of foods…. a  man has to work so he could eat. A man has to work some more to feed and take of a  woman..his woman..The one he calls his own..

So day in and day out he toiled…
He worked the earth…and sweated on his beards…He never let a day pass without going out to weed with hoes or find some more work and work some more. …

He comes back..though tired yet pleased..that he could come home with something..to please..anything other than nothing..His eyes will sparkle when he knows she will be there…waiting with arms outstretched. .purring over him like a mother hen  over her tiny chick…

It’s been four years and another two years..life hasn’t been so rosy.
Yet he had made her his own…hard work and good manners ..her parents knew no better man to give their daughter too.
They had knelt and was blessed…ardoned and sent on their way… lil tear here and there…but joy most definitely was much within.

A mothers words of wisdom…. fathers arms of courage..”marriage is much more than money… family is worth more than gold. Yet..love and understanding will lead you both.”

Another year gone by…she toiled the earth with him..knelt down and dug the seeds within..they prayed for sunlight and the rains…instead floods came and drove their dreams away..

A few months gone by…they survived because there had just two of them to go by..until she noticed her lady red hadn’t bothered nor stopped by.

It should be a happy moment but filled with fear of the unknown. ..why haven’t the heavens smiled on them…why now when they had barely a Few  pieces of meat and a cup of dough to bake three loaves of bread…why does life have to be so unfair..

They held their hands together and wept…do they allow and watch…and all starve together. ..all in this disarray?

They went out and toiled again…even harder..even further no matter come what may..it turned to weeks yet they came back broken and dismayed.
He put down pride to borrow..no one wanted to help…”just for a time..would pay back as soon as I can”…replied was a shut of the door..every single time…

At night they shivered in cold..in the moment they use the heavens downpour to wash and feed…trying to uphold.

How long will this go on for..can they bring alife into these too.
To suffer as well as they..”is no place for a lil one..”

They struggled with Their decision..They fought with it..They cried with it..pleaded even wish to give their life for it…and when the morning came..They let it go..broken and dismayed.

She had begged him to go..into the night she must do it on her own..away from his sight.
she needed to break down on her own..wail and cry and die if must..but she knew it had to be done..This life can’t be brought to suffer in this world…They may eventually watch it die..and that they couldn’t stand and live by…

As the midwife suggested..a pill she must take at different times..before the dawn of the day..

She mustn’t forget…she told herself..mustn’t forget..today..when she let her lil one go away…

Then she wrote..in the dark..as the candlelight floated in the black night..dancing under the shadows of its light.
………….

…My  Dear Unborn Child..

Today  I realised it’s a month already. I didn’t know. Forgive me.

And forgive me more for what am about to do. I can’t even weep because am afraid. I don’t know who to talk to and share my pain…who would listen open heartedly?

I can’t even keep you ..not because  I woundnt want you. But because I can’t take care of you..neither can your father and it hurts me so.

My first unborn child….
I know you’ll be beautiful..boy or girl I know you’ll be angelic and I wish I could carry you in my arms and look into your beautiful eyes and hold on to your lil tiny fingers and watch you grow.

You were made out of love..unknownly or unknowingly. . But lovingly. Yes I love your father and he loves me too. And being with him makes me happy.. he makes my heart skip everytime I am with him and I miss him terribly when am not with him.

It’s not smooth yes. We have our fights and moments..but we still love us and that’s the most important thing..I’ll say yes to him over and over again even if I have to go back in time.

I love him insanely. And the fact that am having his child ..would have made me the happiest girl on earth. Because I have dreamed of it..but as his wife. Having his beautiful children..watch them grow as I pour my love on them..and have him by my side.

And yet..I got my wish..as his wife..having his child..but one I can’t hold on to…oh such pain. 

 My unborn baby..my lil one..
why didn’t you wait..now I am in pains..because I have to let you go. I want you but I can’t …I am nothing..I own nothing. I can’t take care of you.

Your father is still out there trying to hold on to life by the rope…looking for how to survive..what can he do?? We can’t take care of you our unborn child. I am crying within.

 I want to walk with you as you take your first  baby steps..and when you learn to speak your first words..your first baby babbles.

I want to look at you and see your father’s eyes or eyebrows or nose. He has got the most beautiful eyes and thick black eyebrows..but I would want you to a skip on the nose if you would have been a girl tho..its kinda big.

Don’t tell daddy I said that else he’ll stick my fingers in them. Makes me laugh.

I want to talk to you and listen to your  baby babbles..and try to understand that first baby language that feels as though you are from another planet..*laughs shakingly* .

I want to have you suckle on my nipples because you are hungry and I want to bath you and pat your baby bottoms and rub your tiny feets. Kiss your body and your face because you make me happy ..and make daddy just a lil jealous.

I won’t leave your side my baby unborn because I will love you unconditionally. .mummy would have loved you with all that I have.

Daddy would have carried you and given you piggy rides.

Yes..He would have been a great father to you my perfect bundle of joy I won’t get to see.

My heart is in pains baby unborn.

My heart is in pains

I wish I could run away and have you. Run away from this hardship and enter into a dreamland of plenty and take care of you. If I am able that’s what I will do.

That’s what I want to do. Anything to keep you safe and get to put you to sleep every night while I sing you a lullaby..anything to have you baby unborn.

You are a month..and a couple of days..I rubbed my tummy and wished things were different.

I never wanted to be in this situation..alone and scared and unsure…I told daddy to go away because I can’t bare the look on his face..watching me take this lil life away..

Our lil one’s life away..watch me breakdown and recoil in shame..or see regrets and wishes in both our eyes..and shame that we couldn’t take care of a life we brought into this world..such fate.

Daddy means well baby unborn. He is just not here..else am sure he would have encircled  you while he encircled me. Rubbed you while he’ll rub my tummy. Tell you he loves you..because he loves me…you would have been our lil prince or princess. And that would have been joy in abundance.

Today ..as i realised am possibly a month and a few days gone. 

If you were a girl…you would have been called alexis grace.. And a boy..maybe your dad would have had a better name but I would call you..Nathan just like your father….Lovely right??

Oh my unborn baby…Please forgive us your parents for doing such an evil thing to you. Taking you away from this world. Planing to stop your existence. Mummy is sorry. Mummy is so so sorry my love..my beautiful baby unborn.

Come back to me again. .when am in the confirms of a home…married as I am to your father..where I can or we can welcome you with joy and show you to the world…boastfully.

I love you baby unborn. I don’t know what you look like and I dont care if you would have bugged me all night. I love you baby unborn..I love you just by the thought of you. I love you and am crying because I won’t get to hold you and call you mine..my lil baby.

Oh God forgive me. Forgive us.

*She weeps hysterically..wailing *…’

“Our child..Our child Nathan .Our child ..our pòor poor lil child..!!! oh lord am broken and scared and how can I sleep or live with this?”

*she continues writing*

Why now my baby unborn?

You would have waited abit..when daddy was ready and okay..when we can buy you all that you need when you need and when you don’t need.
Shower you with love and all that is good.

My first baby unborn…come back to me..to us..when we are ready.
When the land tilled and bares fruits..
when we no longer labour in vain..
when daddy and I have more than a few pieces of meat and a cup of dough..
when we can use an unbrellla to shield you under the rain..come back to us then..

My lil one…
Please come back..and
Let me hold you and love you when I couldn’t.  Let me tell you how sorry I am..We are… because we couldn’t be there for you. Let me show you I can be a good mother to you…let us show you me can love you..

I still can’t believe it…that I have to let you go..I still have to stop the tears from flowing. I still have to hide the fact you are alive within. Am scared. Even to take the huge step am scared.

Daddy is not here to hold my hand. He says I will be ok. I know daddy would have loved you too.
You have beautiful cousins..from my sisters and brothers too far away..Tony. . bella,  danny and vicky. ..a handful…but they would have been happy to meet you. Your aunties would have taken turns to pester you with kisses and hugs..your uncles too. Grandma…my sweet mother..your grandma would have bathed you and blessed you. She would have loved you to. Grandpa would have churckled under you tiny fingers as you pull his long beards..You would have taken resemblance from her too “grandma”..”mum”..because she is beautiful and blessed us with some too. And she would have doted on you.

If you were going to be here…by 8 score months…I think ….you would have open your pretty lil eyes and seen me…seen the world..seen us too.

Oh my baby unborn…forgive me. Please forgive us…

My heart  bleeds in a thousand places. My head is about to split. My child would be gone soon and I am letting baby unborn go. We …your parents

Forgive us.

Oh God forgive us.

I want you my unborn child…

I wish i can keep you my unborn child.

Been a month and a few days and you didn’t make me sick. You are a wonderful gift from God…and I love you.

I love you.

Goodbye my love

My baby unborn.

Goodbye my lil one..

Your Mum and dad. 

 Love…Marilyn and Nathan..

……..

She tucked it in…beneath her box..in the safe nox of her bridal dusk..away from …dust and rust.

And as the midwife said..she took them..One pill at a time at different times..before the dawn of the morning light…and laid down and closed her eyes..wrapped her arms around her side..covering her tummy…shedding a million tears..

Hours tucked by..pains came striding by..While she tossed and turned..bite down her lips in anguish..she slowly felt the lil life ebbing away…strolling down in the contours of her thighs..posing no threat…yet..forced out of existence…she sobs in silence..she screamed in inaudible silence…no one could hear her..certainly not the dead…and the living was too far away perturbed by their own existence to give a winter’s care..

“my baby…my baby…Please forgive me…my lil baby unborn “…

With the pain she passed out…

she didn’t notice when he came back..
Looked worst for wear..like a madman..
But when he saw her curled up broken..in all places..like a lil child..his heart tore and broke out from his chest.

He broke down to his knees and wept.
He doesn’t remember how long he was like that..He looked and realised …what he saw devastated him.

He rushed and got water from the rain..she felt as cold as ice..shivering but wouldnt open her eyes..
As he cleaned her whole.. he swore..

From every rinse of the bowl and as it turned red…He swore…as he cleaned her thighs from the root to the floor…He swore..never to let her go through this again…even if it’s the last thing he does…

He will go to the end of the earth he will…and he will toil the earth till he drops…so that she would never have to remember what was lost…
He will be her provider..her helper her joy.
He would give her all that he couldn’t today…
He will never make her go through these pain again…
He will never let this shame torment her again…

He will give her a joy …that joy a mother so desires…she will never have to rid herself of a child again because he wasn’t man enough to take care of her and it.

She will have kids running around tugging her skirts…their kids..ones they will proudly and eagerly welcome with open arms…
She will have such joy as a mother should. She will again embrace the fruit of her birth labour. She will.
He swore it.

He will be a better man. A better father..One who will be happy for the bump in his wife’s belly…and eagerly await the cry of that tiny bundle into this world…

*He wispers*

“My Dear lil one..
I may not have the right to say this. But please forgive me.
Don’t hate your mother.
It’s my fault. .and I promise to make it right…next time..
When you come back to us.
I love you…”

……..

He choked and broke down again.
Cradled her in his arms and rocked her into the morning night. Covering his lashes with hers…his tears mingling with hers…he spoke words into her ears…words only both of them could hear.

She didn’t move. She didn’t open her eyes. She didn’t need too. He knew and he understood. That was enough..that he was here…that was enough.

They said a prayer of forgiveness and they never spoke of it again.

……..

That was fifteen years ago..
In that dark room..While the candlelight floated..Two bodies curled up in an embrace..rocking..back and forth…silent cries heard..

……..

Fifteen years later..
Nathan had something of wealth..blessed much more than his previous self.
It had been a struggle five years after the dark room.
They had lived from hand to mouth..content in their giving.
Never spoken of what was done and hidden. Never to the living nor the dead.

But every now and then…when that day draws near..they walk together hand in hand..to the dark room..and pray and pray..Every year in that day..since that dark room…in yesterdays.

Never forgotten.
Never spoken. But never forgotten.
Hoping for the day..they be blessed again..With their lil one…who got sent away.

It took another six years..through endless prayers and sublications.
Through continuous redemption.
And when all hopes seems to have been lost…

When they taught God will punish them till they go back to dust..because he knew and felt disgust.

They gave up..deciding to live as was just. For their crimes..it was just whatever punishment God deemed..it was just.

A few months on..she felt slightly different..
Her lady red took the high road..she knew..
She knew…that a life has begun.

A few weeks on..she was so sure..
She felt a lil bump..in her tummy..another life has truelly begun.

So much joy..Nathan cried from the news..
Maybe truelly. ..their baby unborn as returned to them..

That was four years ago.

And she looked down at her bundle of joy…asleep in her fathers arms ..
He never let’s her out of his sight. .

He adores her a lil too much. But she don’t care. It was expected.

He did all that he promised long ago in that tiny dark room..where the candlelight burned…floated in the dark…and shadows danced in the black of the candle light.

“She was our baby returned to us”.she said to herself…”Alexis grace..Our baby here to stay. Apple of her father’s eyes. Love of her mother’s eye…Our lil one”…

Through all the journey. ..Fifteen years as walked slowly by.

She planted a kiss on both their foreheads and relaxed herself in the embrace her husband urging her into…and he wrapped his arms around them..his girls..his ladies..

One the love of his life ..his youth and forever..and the other…love of his life..fatherhood till forever.

Both his loves…his essence. ..all he lives for…all he will give up for…all that he is..HIS All.

Never again..would they go through such pain..to send their lil one away because life gave them no gain.

Never again.

Fifteen long years…The letter of pain…rested in her Box…in the nox of her bridal dusk…never spoken off…but never ever forgotten….a “Goodbye my lil one”..

Xoxoxo xoxo.

Sent from my Samsung device

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s