I had always wondered why God hated me..or maybe he really didnt know me…i was one of those mistakes in the factory that they couldn’t do away with. ..but just allowed me to live the rest of my life in misery.
I was sixteen and I was as flat as a pole.
Everytime I pass by my classmates or a bunch of girls on the streets..I hear them wisper…..”Hey check out flat liz…or is it…Mr Liz??? And they would laugh and snicker.
Yes..they didn’t lie..
I was as flat as a straight pole and..just as plain’ol simple Liz.
I had these Chest for boobs…and I felt depressed.
My brothers told me not to listen to them..Ma told me some girls developed late..Pa took me in his truck and told me that. ..no matter what everyone said…i was beautiful and his little princess….so he would drive me around town…hold my hands whilst we walked into any shop and he would make me feel like the only princess in the world…it would make me feel happy…because most fathers didnt have much time for their girls…but he did and …would give his whole attention…and we would go for horse rides..and allow me bring my dog buck for the ride too.
I eventually got used to the name flat liz and even answered to it. Got them pissed too..because I wasn’t hurting anymore. …I figured there were more to girls than breast…and boys…so I studied more…and came out first in my class. I didnt bother about girls…I had my brothers..and their buddies. .we made a good team and that was ok.
I remembered one other reason why I hated and refused attending their girls coming out debut parties…
I knew I wouldn’t have looked good in a dress…The place for the boobs would have been empty and I couldn’t scar myself more by being the laughing stock of the town…
I didnt know any other way to style my hair apart from putting in a ponytail or hid it under grandpa’s cowbow hat…i knew i would look like a clown in makeup…so i didnt even what to try.
i didnt know what to say to a boy if he wasn’t talking about farm stuffs or games… I didnt know if I could last in a dress…and pretend I liked it…heck i figured i would have goofed in the dance we all had to peform. I would have been a total mess.
Face it…. i was a loser and was a bad money for being a female. I wasnt just cut out to be cool and beautiful in that department so that’s why I stopped ma from trying to dress me up and ran into the words with Pa’s shotgun and disappeared till they returned. I felt solace In my lonesomeness.
But eventually God rememberd me…
I was nineteen when everything began to change. ..
No one could Dare call Me flat Liz no more…not even in their dreams…
I had turned from a cinderalla to a princess in three short years….I was amazed…Gaddamn! !
One of those days I took everything about me into detail. …
I looked at my chest in admiration. ..
Ma described them as perky…because they stood out, firm and well rounded…any girl would die for the shape and look of it…Most girls would get breast uplightments back in the city…i was pleased.
I had lost the tummy fat…and had a flat tummy..that disappeared down inside my pants..I worked on myself some.
My waist had taken shape too…giving me the C curve backwards on each side…I turned looking at my bottom…now that was a killer…I had envied tonia in eight grade because everyone even girls and guys are-like would keep staring because of her killer body even at a younger age she sure made all the other girls shrink out of sight….
“well look at that tonia”…talking to a conjured tonia in my mind…….”liz got it bad’….I laughed.
I even lost the baby face fat…my hair had grown fuller..thicker and more lustrous…The black mane in my family sparkled…
I had a full lip that curved poutedly…”like I was always ready to be kissed..”.
High cheek bones…pointed nose..A sharp variation of my mother’s. ..but I had dimples to die for when I smiled…which usually revealed good dentition …that I got from my father. Naturally tanned skin…long lashes…slim eyebrows that didnt need trimming…and grey for eyes…..ofcourse…I had become more mature in appearance ….my beauty enhanced ….just like a princes would feel after being transformed from cinderella.
I still preferred to be in manly attire than in dresses and strings…but I and Ma bought more fitting ones….for ladies. ..I loved it.
No matter how much I tried to hide all this beauty that decide to turn up…in my cowbow’s lady attire….eyes turned when I walked passed…the girls stared…mouth agape….am sure their thoughts were….
The guys winked…raised glasses at me or tipped their hats…one even walked into a closed door because he couldnt take his eyes off…that was a laugh…
Even my brother’s friends…smiled more…and held on to my hand a little too much tightly..which made Thomas punch a lad when he heard him telling another..”liz had grown up ripe!!”
“Whatever that meant I didnt want to know…I wasn’t no fruit”..”Good thing Thom gave him a bleeding nose”…I had said when Tammy told me about it.
I felt more me than I ever did in years…and the one I always loved hearing when I passed was…
“I’ll be damned. ..liz is a woman
…and a fine one at that”
Damn that always made me smile.
But ofcourse I always pretended I didnt care.
I shook myself out of my reverie…when I saw Ma coming downstairs with a laundry basket of clean cloths…
“Hey cupcake!!”….”watcha doing staring into space like that….? “You ok pumpkin? ?….
Ma asked putting the basket down….and starting to fold them neatly…The way she had done for years…as far as I could remember. …Ma was always arranged…she would be the “Bree”…in little Grove town….remembering a city tv series I had watched in my tiny apartment in New york…”Desperate Housewives”….now that was sassy.
“Nothing Ma…”….I got up and joined her in folding….and smiled when she looked at me….”missed helping you around in the house”….
“Thanks darlyn…we missed you too and we sure are proud of you”……she said nudging me a little…..then her eyes sparkled…..
“You dont know how happy it makes me feel when I go for the elderly town gatherings and everyone is talking about their kids and all…I get to tell them about my lil angel who went to that light city….
“New York ma…”…..I said laughing
“Yeah baby new york ….and went and became a doctor…graduating with honours…now she is back…and now be running the town’s health clinic….”…
.she felt elated…clasping her hands together in excitement……
“Oh what joy it gave me when they oh-ed and ah-ed and all that. ….I felt so chick and blessed….”.
…..she swayed from side to side…..
“Thank you Lord for all that”
I laughed at her display…Ma was such a girl sometimes…forget the grey in her hair…she would be sixteen again and I bet she could kill it…breaking some boys hearts in the wake…
“You should be ma”…..I said hugging and squeezing her tight…
“you and Pa are the best i could ever ask for…” I squeezed her some more…and she planted a kiss on my nose before I let her go..
“Just one more thing and I would be settled for life…..”…she said twitching her eyes……
Oh gee not that again…
“Maaaaaaaaaa!!!!”….I said….feigning pouting.
“Oh come off it liz…I really don’t know what you are waiting for…
“You are beautiful, intelligent and Christ a doctor…and already got a job just moving back…baby you did good…but you can’t be alone for ever..I was married to your Pa when I was nineteen!”
“Ma that was in the 80’s. No body marries that young…its old fashioned”…I rolled my eyes.
We had finished folding up the cloths so she had her hands on her waist standing at akimbo staring at me…
“It wasn’t. See darlyn… I was young and inexperienced but ya
Pa was patient and kind with me.
I ended up growing to love and appreciate him and it became blissful and wonderful…having you three I never felt more blessed and him in my life…life made more sense…baby you have got to start from somewhere now…”…..she said
“Sure Ma….I just need love to be the foundation of it…I don’t want to jump into it…back then guys like Pa were more…civilization and good…and caring and all that…Ma you don’t know how men these days are…they dont care for non of that”….I replied
“Plus…am waiting on my prince charming who is going to swoop down and knock me off my feet…kissing me and make me his…proclaiming his love to me…and then go down on his knees..stars in his eyes and propose to me…i would say yes instantly…”
….I said displaying with arms gestures as they would in a macbeth’s movie with princes and princess..swords and horses…The kiss and everafters..
Ma hits my head with a towel.
“Told you to stop watching those movies…they tell nothing but lies..making up men to be perfect…non is..not even your pa…but we make do. He got his flaws and I gat mine..I don’t try to change him..I just understand him…Eventually. .what is wrong he dropped on his own as did I. .We complemented each other at the end…
“Darlyn if you look for a perfect man you gonna be waiting a long time..and another few years to your twenty – seven scores you gonna be cranky and bitter like old becky down fords place…boy…she hates on anything or anybody…like we are the cause of her bitterself”…we both laughed…
I became serious…”Ma what’s so wrong in wanting love and finding it…or waiting on the right one?????…
She looks at me smiling….taking my face in her hands…
“Nothing baby. Just that you might waist your time looking for gold and the diamonds might just pass you by. Why don’t you just…let your heart lead you hmmm?…
“Besides all your growing up lads and sissies are married….even Thomas and tammy got a family on their own with three to two kids each…gosh I love those little dumplings…I just can’t wait for when you would join that circle…I thought you would come home with a man already…I ain’t never seen you with one…but not to worry hon..We got good and plenty lovely lads here…am sure anyone would make a fine man for my baby girl. ..”
…..Ma let’s go of my face and pinches my cheeks.
“Ouch”….I said rubbing it.
“Ma not all of them are married and got it good you know…”….I have that look of…
“yep I know what’s been going down in this little town”..
I started talking….
“I ran into sussy vicky out in the town’s supermarket. .that girl spilled like a hurricane..she told me alot my ear nearly dropped from too much information. .
“Oh?! Was Ma’s only exclamation.
“Yep!!!”….I said dipping my hand into the cookie jar and threw a cookie into my mouth and continued chewing while I talked.
“She said monalisa had been married twice…and divorced…she took tons of money when she quit the marriage..rumour was around town that she just married them for their money…she is onto the next available fool…a Mr cosmo..owns the hotel on Brooke ville. .they have been seen together taking cruise in and out of town on his yacht. ”
“And Natalie studs got herself big fronts and bottoms from that New hospital at Nikedrive with that famous doctor on tv saying he can make anyone a god with the touch of his fingers..and all that…she is now a stripper in vagas. ..that’s a sin city Ma..you don’t want to go there hmm..hmm”…. I said a no-no shaking my head from side.
“Tom Willington and Peter Hanson…you remember those boys back at 7th grade…they stuck together like glue…friends…well they own a pharmacy and a supermarket together . ..I hear they did good for themselves..never been married..wonder why…”I said shaking my head…
Ma just had a puzzled look on her face…
“Becky-sue went and got herself a good man…I hear too. Ma she was so shy and quiet back in school…and couldnt even sit next to a boy or even smile helo..she would freak. But must have been a miracle she is living with one..I wonder how he did it..and put two in her…she is as happy as the moon…
‘Arg the worst is sussan Morris. …”
I said dropping the cookie I was about to eat and had a disgusted look on….
“She runs a beauty salon…which is ok by the way…but that’s not how she makes all her dough…..”
I dropped my voice to a wisper in a conspiracy note…..
“Behind the salon she owns a pleasure house”
‘Yes Ma…you heard right…
“It has special “gigolo pleasures and female haven..”…for separate parties and one for both she calls the “ecstasy placace”….
“no wonder she is a popular to the town…all those indecent gals and lads be frequenting there and sowing their wide oats…
“Her parents would be rolling in their graves if they knew what she was up and doing with herself.
“Maria became a nun.
“Luke is married…
“Bucky got himself another wife after his first said she wasn’t gonna give him some…
“The castin sisters such goodie gals….are out on the duke’s farm…married to the father and son…they sure like a family legacy..
“Damn sissy Brenda. ..she used to wear revealing cloths to class at 8th grade…always winking at Mr sherlock”
” …her took biology class…and she was big as a cow up there ma..even the boys always smiled at her…but she had eyes for only Mr sherlock. Am sure they did have something back then because he never used to fail her nor punish her when she chewed gum loudly in class…used obscene words..or go vulgar….and he always told her to wait for private lessons that she told everyone her Pa paid for her….
‘She was as dumb as a cow now Ma so no one believed her. And he was married and his wife was out of state.
She was pregnant by the time we finished grade school…the year after I left…for medical school.
“Well according to vicky..she had a boy…and she kept it quiet on who the father was for two years…He kept her quiet by sending her money for upkeep..her parents were Catholic that’s why she couldnt have an abortion. Well…she got tired of being in the dark and as soon as his wife came back…she was doing her studies out of …she a lawyer…well…. Brenda went in for the kill. BAM!!!
“A month later he was a divorcee..half of his wealth gone..For punishment the wife said..and she took custody of the kids.”
“Brenda forced him to marry her else she was going to report him to the police for violating an underage and got her knocked up..He obliged. But he never and rarely stays at home..always at some bar..or club house…betting out on poker table…claiming that Brenda is the devil that ruined his life…yet he goes home and puts another one in her…Two little Brendas running around….
“I don’t feel sorry for him he should have kept it in his pants….”
“And Ma you know how this talkers can be…Once you talk alot and spill about everybody…The urge is too strong you end up spilling about yourself…’….I laughed a throaty laugh…..
“Vicky is such a sluttful gal. She has been married once…and her husband caught her with another man when they went to his sister’s five year old birthday party…in his room on their little bed”
” she said his eyes popped out. And seven months later he left with his secretary when he found out that that wasn’t her first time…nor her sixth. I asked her why she cheated she said he was tiny in that department plus she always felt unsatisfied and needed a fox. So she didn’t bother when he left.”
” Ever since then she has been through five men…and the fun part was that she wasn’t looking to settle. .she just needed the tool they wielded…and she never gets enough…I bet she was looking for someone to give her a home run and she be too weak to go home. ..”….I stopped talking when I realised Ma’s face was one of aghast and comprehension ….
“Well anyways she was ranting about one new block ….what was his name again??….I cracked my brain….
“Oh yeah a sam Michaels….He got all the ladies swooning over him…like flies….she says she’s got him in her claws or was going to…He looked like a fox she wasn’t gonna mind riding….and now she planning to get him swooning underneath her skirt…”
I shook my head. “That girl is insane but I wished her goodluck and had to get out of there. …she talked alot…
“Liz dear…”….Ma cuts in…..
“you really shouldnt have that girl as you friend…she is bad news and bad news for everybody apparently…Argh such gossips….I really didnt need to hear any of that…”
…she shrugged as though she had something awful on her body she needed to get off. Well apparently…The gossips made her Uncomfortable. ..couldn’t blame her.
While I was talking ma had managed to skin the chicken, stuffed it and put it in the oven…right now she was making the sauce and basmati rice to go with it for dinner…
“Yeah sure Ma….she gives me the creeps but the point I was making is that. ..not all of them got it perfect …probably rushed into it or didn’t even know what they were going into…or they just went with the flow of the prevailing youthful exuberance. …only a few got it right. ..so really there ain’t no rush..
“No poo bear that’s besides the point. ..The point dear is its about time you stop thinking about how others are…and open your heart and find yourself a man…and settle down.”
” Don’t be selective and criticising all them fellas..There are men out there that are worth the giving-a-chance to..not a perfect man apparently…but atleast ..A man…and we all need a man..you don’t want to remain old and alone…I gat your Pa…you need yours too in times like these…you need to spend it with someone that means more to you than yourself…”
“But….!” ….I started to say…
“Oh shush darlyn and listen to your Ma…I got years on you and have being here a longer time so I should understand the world a whole lot better than you..ok?….
“Your brothers and their family be coming for Thanksgiving sunday…we gonna make a feast….I will be glad when the next one comes I will see my little angel with her arms wrapped on the arm of someone other than my men…”…she laughed…picked up her basket of folded laundry and started to move …
“And oh be a dear and take out a glass of juice and some of those cookies to your father at front…He loved having them when he reads…and then loves to watch the sun go down….” She said over her shoulder…
“Okay Ma”….I got out the glass and poured juice in it and arranged some cookies in a saucer…put them in a tray and thought to myself..
“Ma is right I know…but still they have got to be someone out there who would show me that love is real and surpasses all these nonsense. Why do I have to settle?.
“In Ma’s time there were probably decent men…not now…all the men now just want what’s under your skirt and once they get it its over like a bad story. I would know…I lived in new york
..I had my own bad share of memories..good thing I was still intact…
“Charles was nice..”….remembering my first boyfriend
“He took me dancing…to the movies bought me nice things…said nice things…until he wanted me to give it up at the back of his truck…that was why he was being nice. Betted to his friends he was gonna have me by the end of the month…I found out after I told him no and forced his hands out of my frontier area…He spoke out in rage about how he goes home to flick it when he stares at my picture…and betted a good amount of money on how i was gonna be screaming out in pleasure when he stuffed me with his big charley. I felt disgusted.
“Or was it James?. … . I Liked James. ..really did. He was cute and patient and even when I told him I couldn’t do it because I wasn’t ready..He okay-ed it. He did steal a few kisses and I let him. And he never pressured me you know. Until I realised he thought i was a joke for being a twenty something year old virgin….his friends had a good laugh and the only reason he never did give two hoots was because he had numerous gals he got it off with…so it was ok for me to keep mine….He just liked that i was beautiful and intelligent and his father was pleased he got a doctor for a girlfriend.
“Mehn I was burned.
That was a year ago…i signed off on men. They were pigs…they just needed that…and that’s all they thought and breathed about. And if all the men I came across were assholes how do I open my heart to them?.
I know no one was perfect but doesn’t mean I couldn’t atleast get half a prince …
I sighed. Ma is right. I should stop watching those that fake fairy tale movies. They mess up your Mind some…
“Oh well…a girl can wish can’t she?”…I resigned myself and gave up.
I took the tray outside and saw Pa seated …reading a book about evolution and related ancient facts. He smiled when he looked up and saw me.
“Oh hey my little muffin..how are you?…bet you and ya Ma were having a girl’s time back there huh?
“Yes something like that Pa”….i said putting down the tray and planting a kiss on his forehead…
“Oh yum”….He said after taking a bite of the cookie..
“So tell me…are you settling in nicely…town treating you okay..you got any problems?…”You know you can tell your Pa anything and I got your back…don’t look at Damn legs and grey hairs now…I still can throw a mean punch two ways sunday”….He says…gesturing for my benefit.
I had to laugh. That’s Pa…always worried about you..He could take on the world for you…just say the word..
“Nah Pa…am a big girl now…I can take on some don’t worry…”.
“Good gal”….He chuckled..
“So new york….has it changed some?…He asked…reflectively..
“while I was there being an intern for a business man…The city was quiet and held alot of opportunities. .but when my Pa died and left everything in my name..i had to forget my dreams…and came back to this farm..at first I had not the slightest clue to what I could do with it. I got numerous offers to sell it and go to new york and continue on my path of being a business man…The business man in men jumped for that offer…but something else told me that…I never would know if this is what I would love if I never gave it a try..
“So one day…I strolled out ..walked the whole area…felt the breeze in my face..heard the howls of those mountain wolves..The squeaks of the birds…and saw the farm animals…and I knew…that this was it…and your Ma came along and I knew I did the right thing…we made it into something beautiful…for us and for you guys…”
I looked around….and smiled…”we loved this farm Pa…you and Ma are badass.”….I nudged him playfully..
“We sure are”…He laughed….”the city changed much huh?
“Oh yeah…” i said telling him of all what technology and science had done to the place…even the people. With the cars ..Houses. ..clones…oh yea clones…everything was changed alright.
Pa listened with rapt interest.
Ma came out like thirty minutes later…bearing dinner…
All three of us…eating..laughing and talking…
Feeling back the void I felt away from them for that long eight years…glad to be home…together bonding like this like I never was gone…their little girl..
It was beautiful.
Far away over the mountain slide…a wolf howled..The crickets made their funny sounds…The sounds of dogs barking ….and over on the horizon…The brink of the sun going down…leaving at its wake…The stars that shone in darkness. …and the moon…bearing light to walk the midnight Grove…and the shadows of three people basking in the ambience of love and family….and togetherness..
I missed this…