My heart caught in my chest.
I didnt understand why it was beating so fast.
My hands were literally shaking while I picked up the phone..
It’s been a couple of months since he left.
I had the most horrible heart – wrenching excruciating pain…I knew no words could help dignify the amount of hurt I felt.
My eyes must have swollen alot from the cries..
My face has gotten stiff because I had lost my smiles..
I had forgotten how to even be happy..
It’s been awhile I felt such happiness …since he upped and left breaking my heart into pieces…Without a seconds thought or remorse..
He was heartless..
I loved and missed him.
Yearned for him daily..
My nights were torture..falling asleep without him there..
My mornings were unbearable
Not able to wake up to his smiling face..
My words were cold..because I couldn’t say what I longed to say as I had for years past..
I lived with the pain..
I didnt know how to go on…
I never dreamt of a day without him..it was torture to my brain..
That was what loving him did to me.
That’s why it broke me when he threw me away like a bag of rotten grapes..
Months later…trying to pick myself and piece up all the broken pieces..
Out of the blue…
My phone rings..
I nearly gasped seeing the number..
You see…I had tried to erase him..
Because letting him be in my face was pain enough..I knew I couldn’t erase him from my heart but I needed to stop seeing his face in my phone or be tempted to call and plead stupidly as I did when he cut the ropes on us..
What did he want?
He said he wanted to just check up on me..
We should be friends.
It’s been a couple of months..
But I still have a big hole in my heart where it hurts..
I knew I should forgive him and let it remain in my past.
But the thing was…I was still completely head over hills inlove with him..
I know it’s crazy..
Everytime he hurt me…my friends told me to walk away.
Everytime I came home crying my sisters..prayed I would kick him to the curb..
Everytime I tell him i can’t take anymore…He falls to his knees and tells me his sorry..
Everytime he wraps me in his arms I forget all his wrongs and love him unconditionally even though he hurts me more than I can bear…
I say…”love covers a multitude of sins”..
I loved him to death and a day more…how could I let go of such wonderful feeling??
So I asked myself…
Will I be able to be friends with him?
Will I be able to forgive him of all hurts and pains..?
Will I be able to hang out with him and not want to rush him in a big bear hug..?
Will I be able to listen to him talk and smile those georgeous smile of his and not want to lean in for a kiss as I usually do..?
Will I be able to see him and not miss the way his body moved against mine in those intense nights…?
Will I be able to hear his voice and not wish he would say something like “I miss you babe..forgive me for being an asshole..This time it’s all of me?”
Will I be able to do or be near him without breaking into a thousand tears and look just like a stupid girl inlove with someone who didnt love her back and wasn’t decent enough to even treat her right???
I knew I couldn’t ..
I was much of a pretender..
I knew seeing him and hearing him would bring back all the memories..
Good and bad…hurts and pains..love and laughter..fun and crazies..
I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide it from him.
He could read me like a book. And I never could tell a lie when I looked him in the eye..
He was my worst distraction…my rythme and blues…
How could I not fall inlove…
It’s been months but it hurts as though it was yesterday..
It’s been months yet i could still taste him on my lips..
Quiver just when he touches my skin..
Quake when while I take him all in..
I literally grow weak just by the thought of him…
I wish I could forget.
Believe me I tried.
It’s been months yet all I do is cry..
And here I am slowly getting my broken pieces together..
Hoping and trying to forget my fairytale love story that went up in a magically smoke like it never existed..and getting back to the realities of life..
And my phone rings…
I could never tell a lie..
The heart wants what it wants…
And a broken heart needs love to heal..
And I knew I would be broken if I let him in even as a friend…The torture was real..
So I told him no.
I didnt want to be friends.
I needed him to stop calling and messaging.
He seemed curious to ask why..
I wondered if he was just stupid or plainly heartless..
Just because I didn’t mean anything to him doesnt mean he didnt mean the world to me…
I couldnt really tell him that I still really missed him and would give anything to have him back..just for a day..
I guess that’s why they say “love is blind”..
But that’s me.
I could never tell a lie..
My heart was made to love..and it still had him in there…
I couldnt be his friend..it would hurt to much..
So I pleaded for him to stop.
He asked if I hated him i said ok.
If that would work.
I probably did hate him for all the hurts….but I still love him for what it’s worth….I never knew he was going to be the most important person in my life. ..
I know I still love him.
I know I still miss him..
I know I want us…
But I have to give up that dream..
I knew I wasn’t going to keep chasing circles around him anymore..
My world revolved around him..but he brought it crushing down..
Am gluing back the pieces of my life..
I don’t need another shake down..
We can’t be friends..
So I stopped picking his calls and returning his messages..
If I meant something to you..
You should have stayed..
Don’t appear out of the blue and wreck the lil piece of mind I summed up not too long away..
I have to let go..
I have to move on..
Even if the heart wants what it wants…
It doesn’t mean you were right for me..
Else you would have stayed…
True love never gives up…no matter what.
But you did…
I should too.
“Just because you miss someone doesn’t mean they belong in your life”..
There is someone out there who would fight for you…
Now that one is a keeper…
#shoutout to all the broken hearted girls…never lose hope.
Your perfect love would come..don’t give up on the dream..there is someone out there who is just gonna walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone.
PS# True love never gives up…no matter the situation…true love wins
PSS# Here’s to Love…