I got to the church at about 11 am. .
I missed their walk-in..
There were in the process of exchanging rings..
I walked in slowly drawing as little attention to myself as possible.
The church was half parked with guest..
And I noticed half of them were the church members..
Like if I asked..
“How many people actually do know the couple getting married?”
Am sure the total would be slashed by half..slashed again by another half, minus about a hundred and divide by 2..
I may be getting close to Nil.
And that was not even adding me..
Ah mean C’mon.
The groom is an obodo-oyibo (white man from America )…man.
The lady goes to my church and ofcos everyone wondered how she managed to bag herself one rich oyibo man to marry..
1..she wasnt exactly pretty..
2…she wasn’t exactly pretty..
And 3..hell I was way prettier..
Ah mean…how blind can a man get..?
Ahhbe. .was she giving it to him two ways sideways to Sundays in ways those white chicks wasn’t?
Or he just loved the dark – and honey kinda feel??
“I know everyone was thinking it..
“I was probably the only one thinking out loud..
Well loud enough for me , myself and I to hear it atleast..
But that wasn’t my problem.
Well..I actually don’t have one..
Well not visibly anyway..
Other than my rent expiring and my landlord wasn’t even nice..to give me the end of the month to pay up..
Saying two weeks..
My account is so red I could paint the town with it.
And my Bobo be saying he is low on cash..and business isn’t doing so awesome I should give him abit of time..
Yet he doesn’t mind getting in to my own business and getting his whole shebang thing going on in there..
“So na my own business de do well shei”??..
Speaking in the pidgin tongue..
So on thursday I decided to close shop..
“But baby why?”…his eyes pleading and he was as hard as a rock..
But I couldn’t care less..
“Because me too I need money to carter for this business down here..”…waving my hand over my girl area..
“So if I can’t pay my rent..where will I sleep?
“If no money..how would I eat..?
“No money..how do I wana buy those lovely and nice soaps to wash my body and smell good for you..hmmm???
“Abi I should walk around in rags and look unkempt and scattered when I have a boyfriend who works or owns a business and he can’t afford to take care of my daily needs
..but rushes down here or calls me.over when he wants to take care of his own manly needs..??
I rolled my eyes..
“Money for hand…body for ground!!”..
I said looking at him pointedly..opening my hand at him indicating I should see money first before any action be happening tonight..
“Ah baa babe…so I would pay my girlfriend now to sleep with her”?.
“No you would take care of your girlfriend so she would be happy to give it up to you”?…
“See this guy oh..
“But I don’t have cash on me naw..” he said…
“But really you can’t be serious..
See my veins showing..
Am literally glistening from the mouth..
“Just seeing how sexy you look..with that nightie on..
“Those perky nipples calling out to me from underneath that silky cloth..
“And am sure your honey well is just waiting to be licked..
“C’mon babe..don’t deny yourself this fantastic explosion that’s about to happen like a volcano. .
“Come here lemme handle that just the way you like it sugar…you know you want me too!”
I hit his hands away crawling up my thighs..
Blocking out his words..and tightening my legs together..
This guy can use words and turn you the F on ..
Just the way LL Cool J does it with just one look of his face and biting his lips..Rubbing his palms and showing you all of that sexiness..like he gonna strip you and F you with his eyes alone running up and down your body..
I got up from the bed..just when he was just about to roll ontop having gotten rid of his boxers..
And he laid down…hands behind his head..giving me a good view of his manliness..
His man up..
Yes..it definitely drolling..
The dude was smiling and winking and licking his lips..
Moving his waist and rolling it..
Allowing it dangle side to side..
He knew he looked like one greek god well endowed..
And I wanted to rock that..
But i also was a broke ass niggress ..who needed to take care of her other business aside this business and if the dude ain’t about to step up and carter for his girl..
Then shop was gonna be closed till further noticed.
My sexy body underneath this silky nightie was the last thing he would be seeing for a long time..and he better belieeeee-that!!..
“Dream on romeo..
“You better go have a cold shower.
“I got new episodes of TVDs (The Vampire Dairies )…to watch..
“And trust me…Damon and Stefan are way to sexy for me to pass up..
I left him hanging dry..
When I got back in bed latter he was sulking..and pissed and still as hard as a rock..
Was I scared he was gonna go bang some random chick tomorrow?
Was he gonna actually do it?
But I told if I ever find out I would screw all his friends and send him a video..
Did he believe me??
Was he gonna dare me..
Plus he liked my lady business too much to F it up with some random chick who probably wasnt gonna give it the way he likes it..
And I know how to make him roar….
He told me I should give him till Monday. .
And once he fulfills it..Am gonna pay for this torture…
“Bring it on dude..”..
Am still waiting for Monday.
Today was Saturday and Seeming the wedding of this couples was being announced. .
Out of curiousity I decided to attend.
Okay big lie..
I was coming for the food.
I mean..can you imagine the amount of deliciously expensively rich food they would be serving..
I wasn’t gonna be one to pass it up.
And apparently half the church was in on that too..
Ah mean I thought their religious background would have them be abit courteous enough to skip..
But they playing “Oh. .I know chioma. .
Such a lovely and fine sister..
We used to go to Sunday school together..
“Or we seat closely together every Sunday .
“Or I offered her my hankie one time when she had a cold and we have been best friends ever since..
Bla bla bla bullshit! !
I wasnt buying none of that..
She was as invincible as my open teeth..
Now all of a sudden she is on everyone’s lips as best friends because they wanted to be in good grace with her..
Attend her wedding and probably get introduced to some equally rich oyibo bloke too.
Apparently quite a few blokes were gonna be in attendance..
And plus the food..too..
I for one came majorly for the food.
I liked my Bobo…well enough thank you.
But these foods here..
It’s a one time elaborate buffet…and I wasn’t gonna pass it up for nothing.
So here I was..dressed decently so no one could notice my intention..
And bidding the time to move fast so they could finished and we could go to the reception ground already.
By the time the “you may kiss the bride”.. and yadiyadiya was over…
I was the one that clapped and smiled more.
I hanged around so I don’t look as though I wanted to go open the reception hall for them by heading there first.
I even managed to squeeze my way into the snapping crowds so my face would atleast show in some few pictures..
When I noticed the first few cars leaving..that was my cue.
It’s been over an hour..
The wedding reception was beautiful..
The wedding guest had doubled..
The groom seemed proud of his oyibo blokes and family..
The bride was smiling ear to ear.
Her family members were counting their blessings and thanking their stars..
Possible fixing out mental days they were gonna start visiting the couples am start playing the “needy family”.
I won’t be suprised if they didnt already cram their account numbers offhand or carried a ready pen just incase he would prefer to sign a cheque..
While other friends and well wishers were dying of visible envy..
“They should go and hug transformer jooor”…and die in envy..
Hell Nah. ..
I was only here for the food.
I eyed the deliciously arranged buffet of foods and my tummy began to sing those songs of “hallelujah. ..its about that time”..
As soon as every necessary thing was in full fling..
The chairman’s long opening remarks..
The bridal dance walk-in
The comedian’s dry jokes that’s was making me cringe..
The bridal dance and cake cutting and feeding.
And the toast..
I was like ‘C’mon. ….C’mon! !!
At last. ..food.
I had to patiently wait my turn..
But then some bitches were trying to get all head butty with me..
Oh yeah I could pull my weight..
I was shooting daggers through my ears..
They left to fight some other sissy..
I looked around and noticed half the crowd had abandoned doting on the couples to rushing to the buffet stand..
No wonder the place sounded like a market place filled with a bunch market women..
Nor…don’t be silly..
I wasnt one..
I composed my self..alot.
I stylishly padded my plates with the deliciously arrays of food..
One of everything. .
Oh my mouth was watering..
I picked another plate and piled it up too..
When the lady serving looks at me like..
I smiled innocently..
“My mum…”..pointing absent minded to a random lady at a table..
“Her feets hurts …Being the dear I was I had to………” I trailed off seeing her expression like…
“Hmmmhumm…you lie bitch”
“I can see right through those goody-two-shoes you got going there missy”..
My eyes turned to slights. .
And my stepped up my expression like…
“Yeah like i don’t know you wishing you have plenty of leftovers so you can stock your fridge till eternity “….
And she…taking off her ear rings and rolling up her sleeves.
“Oh bitch …let’s do this..”
And am like..
“Oh yeah bring it on…biii-arch!!
On seconds thought i smiled and said..
“After i downed this two plates of food”..
I walked away letting her watch my butt swing in the dress…
And I ate and ate and ate..
Even foods i haven’t heard off…or seem before..
Those oyibo foods…
Because some cute oyibo car told me to try it and it was nice..
I ate that too..
Untill i was so full I couldnt stand..
I packed some left over over a too just for good measure..
It was time.
I had served my purpose..
But I needed to make a clean exit without people noticing..
So when the funnyless comedian gave the mike to the best man to give a toast and everyone got up rushing to toast to the couple..
That was my time..
I slipped out and I felt wonderful..
My phone was buzzing. ..
It was Lee boo..
“Yes?”.. I answered..
“The only sugar in my tea..
“Chicken in my stew..
I rolled my eyes..
“Can I help you..??
And heading to your place oh..
Are you home…??..
It Depends …!! I replied.
“On if you have anything worth being home for..
“Hain na wah for you oh..
Why you dey harsh this days..
“You never start.. my eye dey red…
Girls are not smiling.”…I continued in the pidgin tongue.
And today na me and you”
“Hmmm?”..I asked..smiling into the phone.
“But am not home. ..but heading there..
“Where are you. .don’t tell me you went to meet one maga..I will kill that person..If. .” He was charging..
“Hey hey relax slow down champ..
I went for a wedding…
“Er whose?.you didnt tell me any of your friends where getting married..
“I pray oh..
It’s one high class wedding like that..
Oh more babe ..see food..
My tummy wants to tear..
I even carried left overs self…”..
Baby…so na longer throat do you this thing eh..
Going to one random ‘ s stranger’s wedding because of chow…
He told me disapprovingly and yabbed me..
“Eh is it not your fault..
Leaving your girlfriend without cash..
A girl gats to do what’s a girl gats to do..
It’s a necessary evil…”..I defended myself..
“Oh ya naw..
Boy wonder is here to safe the day..am gonna make it up to you..now
Bring your butt home..
“Or better still..give me the address..coming to pick my bae up..
The sun is too much..
Can’t have your delicate skin scorged. “..
I have him the address and waited.
So the dude went and looked for cash eh before Monday.
Starving him of sex was a good motivation for him..to got make some quick dough..
I was whistling and feeling happy with myself..
Untill I began to feel the rumbling of my stomach..
I was like “Ha!!..
“Whats this one naw??”..
In another few minutes i couldnt stop myself from wincing in pain and holding my tummy…
It was hurting like hell..
Plus it felt as though the entire food was gonna erupt out of my ass hole…
I shifted away from the people equally waiting for cabs or people to pick them up or just standing and jisting at the junction..
And let out the first gas…
And I was like “phew!!!..
The breeze was coming in slowly..i wasnt scared.
The worst was over..
I went back to my original spot..
But before I could relax..
I farted like seven times in one minute..it came in a loud kpas kpas sound..
Everyone turned wondering what the sound was..
And before long the horrible smell engulfed the immediate surrounding…
I couldnt even believe it even came from my sexy ass..I too even looked around like..
“What the hell…
“Who did that?
“Whats that smell?..
To take away suspicion from me..
And it was coming in out again..
And this time it was going to make a sounding statement. ..
I wondered if I should risk running back into the hall and look for the porcelain god..
I really really missed it right now..
I could kiss it infact..
If only I could.
Everyone would look at me and figured I just came for the food.
Not just that..
What if another fart was baking in the oven and decides to pop out unannounced? ?
I decised against it..
“Where the hell was the boo for shits sake”..I hissed through gritted teeths..
By now I was dancing around…
Legs over the other. ..
Trying to keep a straight face..Whilst in was sweating profusely and my veins were popping out…
I had a fixated smile on my ways and trying not to breath while I forced another explosion back to where it was coming from..
I must have elicited concerns..
“Miss are you okay…
You don’t look too well…are you okay??
I nodded mechanically and frantically..
All the while swearing under my breaths..
Everyone was like…
What is wrong. …”..
I was dying.
I couldnt help it anymore..
I couldnt fight it anymore..
I closed my eyes..
I swear with the eruptive volcanic sounds made coming out..
In loud explosives sounds..
I met anyone could hear it from a mile away..
And the smell..
It could literally kill you..
I bet someone fainted. .
They scattered from me as though I carried the plague..or I was some sort of zombie..or infected with aids..
As soon as I opened my eyes and saw Le boo pulling over..
I ran to the car.
No scratch that.
I leaped to the car..
Holding my ass trying to stop the sound…
But no use..
Every leap prompted another release..
Le boo was like
“WTF is that smell…
Ofcourse he did..
Stucking his head out of the window.
He realised the Ac and wund up window was kill him faster..I buried my head in my hands and resigned myself to my fate..
The consistency in which it was coming out er..
I didnt bother holding it in..
Poor me too..
I was in hell..
And only the porcelain god was my healing.
I jumped out to the car on nearing my house..
Straight then toilet. .
I swore I heart it say
“Welcome my child..
And I shall take away you pain..
Do not be shy..
I am made for such things and more.”..
I was crying..
“I love you porcelain god..
Right now…I shall never treat you as worthless as my shit..
And I exploded and emptied myself..
Le boo was laughing his ass off..
Well after he opened all the doors to his car to air it..
He planned on leaving it like that for the rest of the day..
He knocks on the door..
“Are we still alife in dear pumpkin?..
“No..Glutton “.!!!..He was laughing..
“Fxxk up!!…I retorted..
“Its all your fault..”..
I was weak and drained..I needed some energy boast…and sleep..
And I was never ever eat so much food made of everything and together again..
As though I was being punished for some unforseen crime..
“Take a shower when you are done okay..
I don’t want to have that stench all over me…glutty”…He was mean..so mean.
I Showerd. Came out..
I just needed my bed..
I saw the leftovers I came back with..
I pushed it aside..
“You can have it”..
“No thanks..i don’t want to be hugging my porcelain like a cry baby like someone I happened to know all to well..
I was so so literally tired..
Bed..soft bed..sleep calling…
“I actually have something else in mind..
I threw him daggers with my eyes..
“Dude can’t you see my state??”.
“I went borrowing to get you what you requested for..so no even try that one..
Is it my fault longy-longy throat do you..
And you promised…”
He was undressing…
“Booboo..Oya let’s wait small na
..let me.get my strenght back…”..I lazily pleaded…forming sleeping..
He was naked.
“You see this boy..”..Indicating his erected penis. ..
“He isn’t taking No today..
After the stress I went through to put a smile on your face..
“Baby…money de for hand…oua body for ground..”..
Using my word against me.
I really was getting punished for some crime I committed.
A promise was a promise.!!!!
PS: Morale of the story??
Figure it out yourself..I ain’t your Mama.