Those three words we say..aren’t nearly enough..

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Xoxoxoxox

Dear me,

       I hurt so much. So much.

I thought the pains will stop but it doesn’t. I thought the tears would stop flowing. It doesn’t. 

This time I caused it for myself.i let my guard down and let him in again.

I forgive him and allowed him in again..and all he has succeeded to do is make me feel for him again. Not that my feelings of him left before. But I was managing to suppress it while I was trying to move on. 

Now I gave in to it again and what do I get? He goes back to the very thing I hate. His silence towards me.
His uncaring nature.
His unconsideration.
His unloving personality.
His lies and secrets.
The stranger that I never knew.

For years I had loved him selflessly and unconditionally.

I loved him with the whole of my heart. My body. With my mind and everything.

I loved him without remorse or regret untill today. I never thought I would ever regret loving him…untill today.

He said he loved me..though I want to believe hum but I know he lies.

How can you claim to love me and then profess love to another and call it just words. Then you expect me to believe..the words you say to me….mine isn’t a lie too?

How can you say you love me and you delegate me to the background of your life.

You hide me and make our relationship a secret becus of her and others and you say she means nothing.

Why keep me for  years and then dump me and then call me back saying you are sorry and you love and miss me yet you go hours without talking to me. Being there for me. Giving me the joy of what a girlfriend needs. You never make me feel special or wanted or loved..and yet and yet…oh I hurt.

How can you say you love me when all I see is you not getting me.

Did you call me back becus you wanted to feel me underneath you again?

Oh dear me…
Well stupid stupid me!!

I fell for your lies again..
Knowing that I loved you I was an easy task to woo and knowing I won’t say no bcs I wanted you too.

But you had your fill..yes you did.
Because…back home it’s like I don’t exist anymore. As soon as I walked out that door and went home thinking “…This time…it would be right.”

You forgot me that instant and went back to being you..The you I hate.. and yet  I can’t stop loving you.

Oh how cruel love is!

When you broke up with me as harshly as you did and mocked and laughed at my face for loving you stupidly and I should grow up and move on. Forget you and never call you.

No matter how much I cried and pleaded it fell on deaf ears.

After days of torment. 

From the fact that I lost you and that my love for you couldn’t keep us.

I realised that those three words we often say aren’t nearly enough but I said them anyways and everyday because I felt them and I meant them..and I loved you saying it because I thought you were real and true too.

Not because we are supposed to say them..Because my every core…was crazily and totally insanely inlove with you..how could I not express myself…and love you?.
How could I hide my feelings around you.?

But all I got was lies,hurt ,disrespect and disvalued. 

I cried for days.

I lost my smiles.

My happiness was gone.

My heart was broken.

I fell in and out of sickness

I could not breath. 

I felt alone. 

No I was alone. And it hurt and I felt i was gonna die because I thought we were great together enough to beat the odds. 

Months down the road…After the pain and hurt began to slowly ebb away

You came back pleading and bugging me.

No matter how much I ignored you

You still persisted

Got me to listen

You got me to forgive

You got me to give you another chance 

You knew my weak points 

You knew as long as you could make me see you face to face. .make me laugh..make me look into your eyes..
And,

Look into my eyes and tell me you were sorry and you missed and loved me..
That,

I would grow weak on my knees..
My eyes would mist.
My heart would flutter. .
And those feelings I thought I lost would pop up telling me they never left.

I will put away my anger and pain and hurt and love you back.

Oh how silly I was..
For giving in again..
You knew how to own me and break me.
To pick me up and then toss me.
To speak a lie and make it the truth..and I was the one who never really discerned because all I thought of and wanted was the one who made my heart melt just staring at him.

You knew me.
You knew my heart..and so you toiled and played with it.

You knew…so you won.

You won okay.

You got me back to where you wanted.

Back to your bed back to your arms back to where you really don’t give a shit when you have had your fill.

It’s not your fault.

It’s mine.

I was stupid to think this time…He would try to be different. 

He would try to make amends

Try to do it right and better..

But as usual, just as always..
All I see and get is your silence

Your long hours of no communication 

And your constant reason and excuse for it

“Busy!!”
“Taking your time…”

Ofcos I don’t want us to jumb back right in..
Becus I wanted every discord to be cleared.

“Every I miss n love you “..to be meant .

I just want to make sure from then everything  would change and see that he is making an effort …

but I don’t see it and it hurts me.

Asking him and he says he wants to take his time…

Must he shut me out and ignore at long hours because of that 

Must he not feel or see the need to talk to me 

Check up on me and talk to me about about anything at all.

Does he think I would be cool.

If he wanted to take his time he shouldn’t have quickly made to want me…He shouldn’t have touched me.

But he did.

He did touch me alot….And I liked it too much..because he made me feel so special in his arms..I could stay there for ever..

But in the morning light.. back home…
His feelings turn cold like the bed without warmth where his body once laid.

Away from him he acts like a stranger

I wont..
call him more
reach him more

I told myself after doing that and getting ignored..Again and as Always.

But..
This is wrong.
Isn’t it so wrong?

He was the one who hurt me..

He should be making an effort and it hurts that he isn’t. .

Feels like he doesn’t care.
Yes…He doesn’t care.
But am the one getting Burnt and Hurt like I was a toast left to take a turn on my own..When you were supposed to be there for me.

How heartless…
My beloved…how heartless! !
He just got what he wanted now he is back to his annoying behaviour

How am I supposed to treat this?

Oh… I did try..
Yes..
See..

Complaining wont work

Being patient hasn’t worked either.

Being quiet..was good enough for him…it didnt work for me either.

Ok…you think this?

“Mayb being quiet and letting go is best????

Did I not try to do that.
And then everytime …He knocks at my heart and plead to come in again..

It’s like seeing the cutest puppy and you can’t wait to fall in love over and over again.

How can I unlove someone..whom my waking and sleeping moments is all about???

I hurt so much because the one I love insanely doesn’t love me back..

And if that’s the case it’s better we go our separate ways instead of him just liking the idea that am at his disposal.

I hated comparing my relationship with others. 

But sometimes I get envious..
I see lovers being lovers..
I see the love in their eyes and happiness combined.

And I look in the mirror. .The shadows in my eyes feels like a cloak over my face.

Because I wish I had more. 

Am I selfish???

I want love as equally as I give it.

I want to be respected and valued and treasured same way I met out.

I want someone to adore me.

Show me off.

Not be ashamed of me.

Tell the world am his..

Let me know important people in his life..That is.. his family and friends becus I am his.

Put me up in his dp /profile picture every once in a while. 

Write something nice about me on his pm somtimes. 

When I pour my heart to him..I need a little more appreciation more than a smiley.

I need an “I love you”..and you fucking mean it.

Oh dear me….

But he doesn’t even try to make me enjoy these and it hurts and I want it.
What’s the joy of a relationship when I don’t have this tiny show of love?

Am hurt.
You hurt me more times that I can count but I stayed.
You placed me below her and others but I stayed.

You lied. You probably cheated. You hide. You made me cry.
You made me doubt and question your love but I stayed through it all. 

You dumped me and walked away so many times and whenever you begged I listened and forgave you and took you back…but everytime you broke my heart again.

I never complained neither did I pay you back for every pain. 
Don’t I deserve a little credit.
For my loyalty.

May I continue to beg for your love and attention? 

If you don’t want to give.
Fine.
Go with it

But don’t keep me like these and expect me to continue like this. 
I want a partner who values me too.

Am tired of it all.

Do you know what I want?
I want that one who would sweep me off my feet..
And won’t let me drop.

Who would adore me..and never let me go.
Who would love me..and show the whole world so.
Who won’t hurt me..but remain in my soul.

Because he would know..
Truelly know…
My love for him would never grow cold.

Oh dear me…
Those words we say often..aren’t nearly enough. ..
Because at the end of the day..
We are left alone in our shit world of broken hearts and dismay…

………..

But what can I do..?
All I want …is to say those words to him ….I guess…”The heart wants what it wants..”…and it hurts knowing….that despite it all…
“If I was a compass…you would be home!”.

……..

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