When it Ends….

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Xoxoxoxoxox

When that moment came..
Did we really know
Would we have some sort of premonition
A feeling
An uneasiness

Do our lives actually flash before our eyes
Do our last conversations actually replay itself
Do regrets come into play
Do we feel anything..
Other than numbness

What happens when that moment actually do happens
How we cope in that brief seconds
Do we think
Do we wish
Do we want
Do we even desire
Just before our heart stops beating and we fade into nothing

Do we see the white light people often talk about.
Or its just some myths made up
Do we shiver as though cold
Do we hear the voices of those we can’t see
Do we actually see the shadows of those we suddenly fade from our sight
In those brief silence moments..
What happens..

It was a cool Saturday morning..
While we walked through the gardens..
While we laughed and danced to the songs of the birds..
While we ate under the trees
And read our favourite story

We had taken the other cab home..
We didn’t realise the smell was coming from the stench of a drunkened driver..
We were listening to our favourite song
Singing aloud as we usually did

When he swerved to side sharply we didn’t bother. ..
As long as he said he was sorry…
He was a chatter box..
We blocked him out as we increased the volume of our ipod
We hated the distraction

Mum called..
Asking where we were..
On our way home we said..

But we were mad..
Mad that mum was being mum so we left the house. .
Even though we were grounded..
We hated to be told what to do. .
We had a pretty nasty fight with mum..
And even made her cry

We were sorry..but pride didnt let us tell her that
Pride didnt let us tell her that we loved her ..
So we left…
Wanting to be alone. .
Wanting to run into her warm embrace and cry on her shoulders and ask us to forgive us for being an ass..
So we were going home..

Big brother had scolded us..
We flung his phone into the fish pond..
But we were sorry..
We were gonna ask dad to get him another..
Because he had homework and needed his phone. .
We promised to give him ours till dad gets him another..
See..we were sorry.
Another person to apologise to

Sweet Brian. .
He told us..that he loved us…
But not as a lover..
But as friends..
And we were angry he was inlove with Anika
Our best friend..
So we lied and told Brian that Anika was a cheap skank..and he broke up with her..
But we were sorry after words..
And mum found out and got mad..
She raised us better than this..
To stoop that low because of a boy..
And asked us to tell the truth and apologise

But no..
We were stubborn
We didn’t want to
And told mum to butt out of it.
It’s our life.
Our business.
And if she was such an expert with boys..
How come she couldn’t keep dad..
But he was busy travelling the whole world with her secretary. ..
She knew nothing about love..
So she should fix her man..
Her marriage. .
And let us be..

We were mean
By god we were precise. .
When she slapped us..
And when the tears flowed immediately…
Too bitter we were to feel remorse.
To angry we were to see the damage we made
Too hot headed to fall on our knees and plead..
She did us no wrong.
But we did plenty
It wasn’t her fault..
She did try to raise us well..
But we grew up and rebelled..
Because at this point in our lives.
Teenagers threw tantrums and acted like little devils who wanted to exercise their youthful exuberance untamed..
Like that was an excuse for our unruly behaviour..
Pride they say goes before a fall..

When big brother comes In to caution us on the way we spoke to mother..
When he shook us by the shoulder for us to take heed
To be sensible. .
We fought him
When he threatened to call father 
We grabbed his phone..
Ran outside and threw it into the fish pond..
And ran out of the house 

Ending up in the garden
Refusing to think
Refusing to feel remorse.
But our fragile heart wouldn’t let us go unpunished
And guilt grasped our heart like claws causing our breath to seize

Pain coursed through our veins
We knew we had erred
We knew we had wronged
We knew we needed to be reprimanded
We knew we had to be forgiven

But we didn’t know how to hide our heads
Carry it between our legs .
And go back home
What if ma didnt want us back
What if ma hated us
What if brother never spoke to us
What if father .
Father not so saintly himself stops loving us…

But I have you I said
My confidant
My friend
The only one who who listens
Who doesn’t judge me
Who had always been there for me when  no one was
The one who only understood me
When I was often misunderstood . ..

And so.
You and I danced..
To the music of the birds .
While we walked through the garden
We stopped to buy a snack when we got hungry
We had been out for hours you see
Luckily I had a few change
We ate under the trees
This is our life now I said
As long as I have you here..
If my family turn away from me..
I would be okay..
But she smiled..
Sadly even
Realising just a little too late..
We were wrong sister
We were wrong…
Come let’s go back..
Scrub our knees back in the crawl of remorse and beg for forgiveness

I shook my head. ..
I know but it’s too late I said
They hate me already
How do I salvage my wrongs.
I let my words burn in too deep
The flies would have feasted on the wounds. .
Am sorry wouldnt just cut it..
But trully I am sad
I wish I can
But how do I
She looked at me sadly…
While I slowly removed a fallen lashes from my eyes..
Hiding a tear that flowed from my side eyes..
Am here ..
I will always be here..
And we would always be together

When mother calls..
Telling me to come home
That she needed us
It didn’t matter what we did
All she wanted was her baby home

I began to cry..
I wanted to jump for joy.
All hope is not lost then she said when I took out the mirror to pull my hair into a pun..
I wanted to tell mother how sorry I was ..
I wanted to beat myself for being mean
Was brother home
Was father back..
I would ground myself if I had to
I would run to the top of the mountain and confess my sin
Apologise to all those I had wronged.
Just to redeem my self..
I loved my family.
Even though we weren’t perfect..
I loved my mother above all..
She loved me despite my flaws..
And so we ran to the park..
Happily jogging…
We are going home I said. .
She smiled and we began to sing together..

We let the first cab go by..
Because he already had someone in it..
We flagged down the second cab who stopped a little too close to my feet..

While we listened to our favourite song
While we sang along
While we wiped the tears from our face..
While we swerved to the side and accepted a mumbled sorry from the man
While we wondered while the cab smelled of rotten fish..

While we were engrossed in scrolling through our phone..
We didn’t notice he was nodding soundless behind the wheels
We were engrossed you see..
We didn’t notice the truck coming at us with such speed..
We didn’t hear because the volume from our ipod was on the increase..

We only looked up too late when the lights were blinding us..
When our visions got blurred.
When we raised our hands to wade the blinding light. ..
The crash was already deafening…
The huge impact we felt to our chest flung us to the end of our sit. .
While the car kept swerving till it sumersalted …crashing into the field and hitting the tree…
All I could see was the smiling faces of my family..
Even she too..
She was suddenly
too quiet..
Sister..sister
But all I got was deafening silence.

Did our lives flash before my eyes in those brief moments of my ending.
I don’t know. ..
Did my last conversation play all over in my head..
I can’t remember
Did I have lots of regrets
Maybe
But at this point it was too late
Too late. .

I watched from the side of the road as people rushed to the vehicle
I watched in shock when the paramedics came
Everyone rushed to our aid
I watch the painful effort to open the jammed doors. .
I watched how the bodies were fatally crumbled like a piece of cloth…
With limps…
The driver could not be recognised  ..
I watched as they managed to sever what was left of the girl behind…
I stood there..
As I couldn’t move..
Why was I here
When I was there
Why did I feel utterly naked
Why did she look a awfully like me
Why did I feel suddenly empty and incomplete. .
That girl was me
And I was here
Yet I was there and I was here

Everything was silent safe for my silent tears ….
I watched..
As my family were were brought
I watched as my father had to hold on to my mother
I watched as my brother buried his head in my hair..
I watched as my family shattered. ..
And I felt the searing pain I felt in my chest..
It was blinding me
It was making me unable to breath
I called out to her
She was quiet
She used to talk to me
Be with me
She was quiet

I called out to mum
To brother
To father
They couldn’t hear me
I began to scream
For help
I am here
I am here
I screamed
Look at me
Look at me

I was in a state of denial
I walked to the table in which I was laid
Look at me
I spoke to her
I am here
We are us
One body
One flesh
Why can’t you hear me
Wake up
Why can’t you see me
Why won’t you talk to me
Why won’t your smile at me like we used to do

See mother and father and brother…
They are all here
They have forgiven us
Wake up
We had so many things to tell them
So many unfinished conversations
So many emotions to let out
To many love to give
So many wonderful things to say
To ask for forgiveness
To seek redemption
To tell them..
To tell them that we love them and that we are sorry
We promised..
Why won’t you wake up and walk out of here with them
Why won’t you wake up I screamed

No one could hear me
Mother had fallen like a heap to the ground
Father had cried like a baby
Brother
Brother
I am here. .
Touching your soft silky hair
Don’t you see me
Mother..
I am placing a kiss to your forehead
Don’t you feel it
Father..
My father…
Don’t you feel that sensation to your side .
I am hugging you..
I am here..
Please I am here..

I suddenly felt weak
I suddenly felt completely out of breaths
i suddenly began to fade
I suddenly began to not exist
I could hear voices
I could hear silent faraway voices
I could vaguely notice shadows of people I once knew
I slowly became no one in the land of the living..

I probably must have wondered .
What happens to us when that moment of the end came
Did we have some sort of premonition
Did our lives flash infront of our eyes
Did we regret
Did we yearn
Did we feel pain
Do we see a white light..
Or does everything just go totally dark..
Do we feel pain
Or numbness and totally at peace..

I guess..you cant even think when you are gone..
All I see is blackness..
And all I feel is nothing
And all I am is dead.

PS: life is too short to live on regrets.
So love.
Forgive.
Be happy
Take risks
Live for today as though it’s your last
Never let a day pass without telling your loved one how much you love them.
Don’t harm.
Don’t cause evil
Above all..live right.
Love God..and be happy.
You only have one chance..so make it count.

Xoxo #Sweetness

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