We have been friends for not so long awhile…
When I say that I mean it could be a year..a couple of months…weeks…days or prally really just a day one friend..Who knows *shrugs*
The constant pleas of
“Hain Adora…you don’t want to come see me shei?
“Everytime it’s me calling you..
Sending you random cute messages and all that..
And yet you don’t want to come see me??
“But we mustn’t see now..
Besides I really ..really don’t know you…plus am not comfortable with strangers…per se”… I would say
So now am a stranger eh..
How can you say that?
With all my calls and sending you cute pictures of my abs and fine face..
Not forgetting that I sang that wonderful song and voice – noted it to you via bbm.
Am not even close to being a stranger ”
I didnt tell him that the picture he sent me looked like something he picked out of the Internet.
Plus..He was a 36 and that was a 40..
And the voice note. ..He didnt edit the part when the name of the singer was called…
And if I remember correctly…his name is tunji..
So how can tunji and Peter be confused..
He thought I was completely daft and would swoon ..and gosh all over it…
So I told him what he wanted to hear ..
“Tunji. .you sing so well. ..
Plus your abs look cute too”…
I rolled my eyes..
So..when are we seeing.?”
“Sorry dear. ..
Maybe in the nearest future…
Gee I am so swamped and all…I would properly be busy for ever”….
I heard his deep throaty laughter from the other end of the line..
“Adora bae..you are so funny. I like a girl who can crack me up”..
I was being serious and this dude was tagging me for a comedian.
I should just add slow to his list of messups.
“How about tonight”..?
“No tunji. But thanks for checking up on me though. .preciate it much.
Line went dead.
Fast forward a few days latter…
I had just left work and went to visit my girlfriend. .
We had laughed and ate and jisted.
In the mist of the movie we where watching..
Which was ofcos “John Awesome Wick.”.
Just because Keanu Reeves is a badass like that…
She suddenly remembered. ..
The front door just opened and someone walked in..
” Hey Adora. ..I forgot to tell you sef..
My cousin came to chill with me this weekend..
Come lemme introduce him to you”..
She pulls me up…and I put on my best smile…just for the sake of pleasantries ofcos..
“Tunji meet my friend Adora..
Adora my troublesome cousin who likes to worry me more than my own shadow….but I love him like that. ..Tunji..Aka the ladies man!!
The big saliva I swallowed was enough to puncture a hole in my throat..
I managed to recollect myself quickly. ..
But he was smiling from ear to ear..
He hit my hand away and pulled me into a hug..
Fighting him off proved nothing…
“Hain tunji…Relax now…you want to squeeze my friend to death. ..”…she pulled me away from him..I staggered nevertheless untill I found my footing. Yes I was fragile like that.
“Is that how you greet strangers”?? She chided him.
The dude was laughing..
I was mute though..
“God which kain wahala be diz now?” My eyes are playing tricks on me obviously. I shook my head slightly. One. Two..three.
Shit!! Visions don’t lie.
“Oh dear cousin. ..you don’t know how happy you made me..” His voice pierced through my thoughts
“And no she is no stranger…she is the one my heart beats for…Jim Jim Jim. ..”.. he was dancing on his feet..
“Am sure he is a Telemundu fan…that line …”my heart beats for”…makes me remember the tele lovers. ..He should have just put “Lola”
“No scratch that. .” My heart beats for Adora!!”..
Oh gawd this ain’t happening.”
I silently sobbed.
And he was still talking…
“We know each other…well…we haven’t met before but the gods work in mysterious ways”
She seemed suprised looking from me to him..
“We barely know each other though…” I offered…
Sitting on the chair. .
I didnt add he was a pest just so I don’t annoy my dear friend.
Of all people..
Why did she go and have him as a cousin naw?
As though people can pick family.
“Barely you say….dear cousin. ..my screensaver is of her pretty face..
Her name..is stored as…”My woman. .my everything”….See. .
He showed her.
Sometimes I hated that the ground won’t just listen for once and sink me in.
My friend seemed excited..
“Wow such a small world..
My cousin..my friend. …oh how awesome…
We can be sisters for ever”..
“Wait oh…is it just me or are they sealing a deal I didnt even bid for..??
My antenna began to buzz…going rainbow in my head “Code Red code Red…”..
“Like hell was I going to allow something
Foisted on me…much less him..”
Me too I can also remember na..
As soon as he sat down beside me..I jumped up
“Dear friend…I just remembered that my mother needed me to follow her to the market “”..
“But it’s 5pm…market closes in an hour..
Besides you told me your mum travelled ”
“No i meant my mor-inda ..my neighbour..
You know she ain’t too strong …i told you about that?”
“Oh that’s true..
But…wasn’t that a man..you said his name was micheal. …is his treatment going okay??”.
Why can’t this girl ever forget a thing”..
I hit the hand crawling up my shoulders..
I needed to get out of here.
This one pass ordinary likeness.
“Oh yes don’t mind me..
My mor-inda micheal. .that’s is his full name”..
She looks at me funny…tasting the name ..
“Er Adora what sort of name is that?”..
“Dude how am I supposed to know..
Am I his mother..
Abi do we question the elders for their wisdom when giving us names?
“Or should we go and ask the white men why their names sometimes begins with food eg Mr Rice or Mr bean..
And end with “woodgate…or Bill Gates. .??
Or the blackman named “Akpos??..
Ah mean C’mon. .what sort of a name is “Aaaakkkpppooooossssss!!!!”??
I stressed it.
I was going out on a limp there.
Please bite it…Please please ..
“Well I see your point”… she said after she thought for a minute.
“Baby come sit down for minute..
We have lots to talk about..i can’t believe you are here”…
I ignored him.
“Ok…just wait a second lemme get my purse…so we can both walk you to the park. .i need to withdraw from the Atm sef…”
When i began to protest she smiled
“Relax. He doesn’t bite. Funny girl…why does it seem as though you can’t wait to run?”…she walked away speaking behind her shoulder..
“I will only be a minute…or two”
“You are wrong friend. I want to develop wings now and fly..
A minute is too much and he looks as though he doesn’t only want to bite but feed…feed and drain away my entire essence”..
I turn back slowly…
He was already behind me..smelling my hair.
I jumped back with a yelp.
“What the hell?””
“You know when I asked you when we were going to see…and you said in the near future…or maybe never. .?
The stars were prally aligned to my wishes..
Be careful what you wish for…because in your case you finally got it.”
Cold chills ran through my body. The hairs at the back of my neck stood. I had goosebumps and I gulped..
“This shit ain’t happening “.. I backed away from him.
He burster out laughing.
“Gosh the look on your face is epic. Don’t mind me… always wanted to play the villain. .oh…am sorry. Come sit.”… He pulled me to the chair and forced me down.
“Oh am so happy to finally meet you..you gave me so many sleepless night my pretty. So I knew my love is true”..
“Where the hell are you friend. .” I cried inwardly
“Get up and move Adora..get up:..but my legs felt weak and failed me.
Damn this was worse than scary movie
He held my hands. .looking into my eyes..
“I like you for real..and am like we are finally doing this. I promise to love you “.
.He was running my palms. I cringed inwardly..
Should i scream. Who would hear me?
The house was inside.
They lived alone.
How long does it take to get a Blawdy purse? ?
One minute? It’s like three minutes al—
What the hell was that..???
Something suddenly caught my attention. .
I blinked twice..and then three more times..
ok…my eyes were definitely playing tricks on me.
I had looked down to look away from his eyes…
Looking at my hands and pitying the torture it had to go through when I noticed a sudden rising bulge at the front of his trousers. ..
He was on both knees you see..
Rubbing my hands..
And his frontal area was rising.
I looked up sharply.
And forcefully pull my hand away..rising up but he pulls me back down. .
“Hey what…am talking here.
Give a brother a minute”
“Hell to the no”..
But his hand kept me still.
“You don’t like me?”
Am sorry…isn’t that pretty obvious like since yesterday??
“Please call your sis…i really need to go..
I was forced down again.
He released me..
Standing up..backing me..
He called out her name…
“Am coming ” came the reply
This was my chance…
I moved behind him and made for the door..
Grabbing my arm and pulling me back. .
“Hey. ..she is coming. So where were we??
Out of curiousity I quickly looked down.
Back to normal.
I phewd! !
My fear had made me start seeing things..
I refused to sit.
I folded my hands across my chest..
“You seem uneasy”?
He walked and stood infront of me. .standing between the door and me…
“Dude i swear I can scream so hard and I did learn kick boxing….” I mused. I shuffled my feets just to make sure
“Oh you want to dance??”
The look on my face was stoned cold
He pulls my hands again…
“Adora so when are we going to see again. .
Alone this time..
Away from prying eyes and ears..
So we can unleash this profound love we have towards each other??
He won’t let go of my hand.
“There is no we…no us…no love and there sure as hell is no releasing. Tunji your problem is delicate and you need help.”
This dude was strong.
“Don’t say that..Adora…my love”…
His voice was calm and silent…his eyes went dim..
I looked down again..
I effing Knew it.
Add perv to his list.
The bulge had risen again and the front of his trousers were threatening to tear open.
I looked at myself..
Ok..I was decently dressed.
Jeans to my feet.
Turtleneck and longsleeves because of the cold.
Ok he wasn’t getting any high from seeing any fleshy part of my body
No scene on the TV to set him off
He only held my hand and rubbed the insides of my palm. .
And a few patches of dampness had begun to appear…at the tip of his bulge
I screamed. ..”Fire! !!.. pushing him away…and headed for the door..
He hit the chair screaming
“Fire fire where where….” confusion set it..
The bulge dancing jingle bell with his movement..
I was out of the house and running..
I didnt stop to even tell them I was kidding..
A few minutes later..
My phone rings..
“Babes..Aba why did you leave like that..
Sorry I was pooing…that’s why I delayed..
What happened I came out to hear tunji screaming fire fire…??
“Hmmm where do I begin?? I thought to myself…
“Hey I just remembered…
My nephew is coming into town tomorrow. ..He saw your picture and said he likes you…will you meet him tomorrow? …
My attenna went off….
“Code Red Blue Red Green purple and rainbow ”
Deep breath. .and I began..
“Dearie I don’t even know how to tell you this…
My family and I are relocating to the village. And in our place.. no light …no electricity …no phone …no Internet. ..sef.
And I don’t know when we would be back if we would ever be back…
As am talking to you now…
I have resigned.
We are at the speed boat park…
To enter boat and cross water…
See I can’t even hear you again. ..
Your line is breaking….am hearing static sounds
I cut the line and threw away the foil paper i was using for the sound.
I turned to the man infront of me..
“How much for a new line please? ?
And please help me register it..
“And yes…reset my phone.”
“But ma’am…you will loose your contacts and…” he began to protest
“Did i ask you?..
Sometimes I really envy the whites
they can just whisk you away into witness protection prog… oh sorry…what programme can my own be called sef??
I should come up with a name for my delicate predicament. ..
Anyways. ..whisk me away and just
Give me new name and identity. .
To hide from the likes of tunji and dear friend family members.
You can’t be too careful.
Sometimes you wonder why you don’t have foreign roots and live in the states.
“Oga hurry up”! I barked.