Just cos Nightmares are made of such things..

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Xoxoxoxox

I knew I wasn’t normal
I have known for a long time

I have never known  my father
My mother never spoke about him

When I was 10 years old
When mother came into the room
Found me crying in the toilet
And she had turned my back and seen
She had backed out of the room
Screaming
She was hysterical for weeks

One day she came home
And tied me up
Binding me
Or parts of me
And cut me

I felt so much pain
I bled so much
I begged her but she woundnt listen
It hurt
It hurt so much when she cut me
It hurt even more the next morning when it grew back

Mother wouldn’t ..couldnt tell me what was happening to me
She spoke things I couldnt understand
Everyone thought she was mad
Needed help

This went on for years
She withdrew from me
She withdrew from everyone
I often found her crying and scrubbing herself in the shower
Inflicting pain on herself
Bleeding
Bruised and screaming

She stopped talking
She stopped looking at me
She stopped everything
Her life ended..
She became an empty shell
She was a walking  corpse
And I was all she had and she was all I had
It didn’t matter ..nothing ever did.
Not to her anyways.
Not anymore

I left her room..She was cold to me. As though I don’t exist
It was  8am..time for school.
I hated riding the bus with the rest of the kids.
They stink.
They really really stink. .
Or was it my nose
I was having a problem with my sense of smell lately..

I sat at the back of the class
I hated the noise .
There were either too loud or they banged their desk too hard.
I could hardly concentrate.

I walked home by myself. .
He wouldn’t stop following me
He thought I couldnt see him..
I did.
I didnt mind. As long as he doesn’t come close.

Mother was sitting watching the muted screen in the palour
She didn’t turn when I came in
I placed a kiss on her forehead..
She turned her head away
Digging her fingers into her skin..
Blood flowed
I wiped it off with my shirt

She doesn’t eat anymore
Puked everything I forced down her throat
I was sad..
I hated to see mother like this
Old and frail
Fragile to the bones
But nothing I could do to help
She hated me
She hated herself
And she wanted to die
But I wouldn’t allow that
No one would accept me
No one could understand other than she
If she left ,i would be alone
And I couldn’t be alone

I helped her to bed
She laid there speechless
Avoiding my eyes
As it has become her custom ever since she realised what I had become
What she made me into
I dared her to look at me
I pleaded even
I told her..
I am your daughter
Your child
You gave birth to me
You did this to me

For the first time she stared blankly at me
Placed her hand shakingly at the side of my face
With tears in her eyes
Lips shaking
She wispered ever so silently
Yes..
I gave birth to you..
Yes you are my child..
And she let’s her hand drop away as she silently fall back into her state of numbness
Picking and digging into her skin
Pulling at her hair and speaking as though am not there
I should have killed you
I shouldnt have let you live
Yes you are my child
But you are also a monster
And your father is the devil. .

I didnt hate mother
I just wanted her to love me despite
Because no one will ever do
Not if they knew
If they saw
If they understood
I let the tears flow
I left her to her dementia praecox
Not without a kiss and a murmur
I love you

In my room..
I stood infront of the mirror
The extra layers of cloths I constantly wore felt heavy
The robes I tied underneath my body  on a daily  since i was 13 years old was  suffocating
It felt as though it held some vital parts of my body captive

I began to remove each layer of clothing that covered my body
I untied the rope from my body
I turned off the bright light
I hated to see
From the dark reflection of the mirror. .
The tentacles that were held bondaged to my slim form sprouted to live
My sense of smell returned
My hearing stabilised
I could hear her heart beat as clearly as I could see

Before he climbed up my window
I smelled him
He knew me
He understood me
I didnt need to be told who he was
that wasn’t scared of looking Unpon me
I should have known
He was my father

I didnt turn when he climbed in behind me
I didnt flinch when he placed his claws on my shoulders
I didnt scream when his tongue licked my face and hissed my child
I just wanted to be accepted and loved
I hated to be alone
If only mother would love me
We would be one big happy family
I closed my eyes when he covered me in a cobweby wings
Finally…someone loves me the way I am
I opened my mouth and out my tongue came and sliced the mirror into two..
Acceptance
Content…that’s all I need.

Xoxoxoxox

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4 thoughts on “Just cos Nightmares are made of such things..

  1. Pingback: Just cos Nightmares are made of such things.. | Open Eyes = Opens Minds = Opportunity

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