I didnt know how much untill today..

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Xoxoxoxox

It’s been a couple of months. .
The nights don’t feel so cold anymore as though the  chills suddenly adjusted…bringing my temperature back to normal.
My aching heart felt more like a dull pain this days..Sometimes barely visible
My eyes don’t drop tears anymore at will as though I had a huge fountain of water threatening to rush out like a hurricane

I walk through the crowded faces and I don’t see you in every single face anymore
I don’t turn away when I see two lovers kiss as though I feel betrayed for finding their spotless love story
I see your picture in passing and I don’t feel my heart catch in my chest and have a horrible day the rest of the week
I hear your name on someone else’s and I don’t hate them anymore for someone I once knew with that same name who shattered my world and broke my heart into a thousand little unpuzzled little pieces. .

I had come to terms with it
I had cried all night..
Cursed,blamed, hated and even waited
But that feels like a long time ago now

I even smile..
I laugh and am even able to live..
Just because something good ended doesn’t mean something better won’t happen.. that was my driving force

Or so I thought..
I really really wanted to believe so..

He was great. .He made me laugh
We spent quality time together

It’s been so long I allowed myself to be flattered
To be cherished to be wanted. .to be loved..
It’s been so long I let another get even close..
It’s been so long. .
Maybe because I was scared …to let another in…just so they can break the walls of progress I made in remolding my heart of fallen stars..I don’t know if I will ever be able to get back up on my feet if it happened again. .
It’s only so much a heart can take. .and I don’t think mine can take another .. another  constant jab of rough edged knives twisting and turning…
Can I live through it. .
Oh I don’t know..

He sat barely a few inches away from me
Our knees faintly a shy touch away
His eyes searching mine..
I look away a couple of times just because. .
It really was a long time in so long I looked into another’s eyes that wasn’t His..
So long ago I felt like I was in a fairytale and he was my prince and I was cinderela. .

And when he smiled at me…I smiled back
When he told me he liked me I pushed back every bad thought. .
When he held my hand and brushed his lips against my knuckles I didnt flinch
When he drew in pulling me close and finally  tasting my lips I didnt stop him

When he urged my mouth open..savouring my sweetened lips..tasting and drinking of my essence. .eyes closed we stayed doing the dance of chase and run…pull and circle..I really wanted to enjoy it..
But I couldn’t stop my mind from wondering
I couldnt stop my heart from aching
I couldnt stop my tears from flowing
I couldnt force out the image from my head
Of a beautiful tall stranger
Whose smile weakened my knees
Whose eyes saw through into my soul
Whose lips were my constant tease
Whose arms were my safe haven
Whose heart I thought I had a home
And when my “I love you forever ” never gets old

And I realised
That I knew
I never stopped loving you despite the pain you left me in your wake
I knew then …while he kissed me under the stars..all my thoughts where of you..
And all I wanted was to be with you and kiss just you..
And I know now that I miss you…
I never stopped..
My denial were like shells that fell of my eyes under the midnight skies
His kisses were cold…all because I wished it were your lips on mine and I knew then that I could never love another the way I loved you..

As I slowly pull away. .He searches my eyes..worry crosses his face …but all he sees in my clear mist watery reflections are apologies and he couldnt understand why.
I too can’t fully comprehend matters of the heart…but the heart wants what it once..
I gather my self and walk away knowing that that was the last day we would ever see..
I felt sorry for the one who loved me..
Because my heart loved another who didnt love me…so why suffer another to love me when I was just too messed to love again..

As I faded into the night..i knew his eyes never left my recinding back…i wish I could soothe his pain..but who would soothe my already broken heart…of a beautiful tall stranger of so long ago who took my love and smashed it and turned my heart to stone and yet..
Despite..
I never realised how much I missed him… untill today

Xoxoxoxox

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