How do you explain having a crush all your earthling existence and yet not able to express how you felt because you were too shy and probably because you fear rejection which Is why you follow him around school like a lost puppy ever since you were like 12 and realised just how breathtakingly handsome he was..
That had been my dilema for my 20 – something years of existence ..and the boy was jayden..
Sweet sweet jayden…the love of my humble young feeble years…to the love of my youth and adult fantasies..
How it all began.
A trip down memory lane shall we??
We lived across the street from each other. .and went to thesame school…same class and everything. .
We never talked those early years
He was the jovial happy fun loving kid..extreme extrovert…and lovable..plus he was the top of his class at every thing.
Me? Let’s just say I was invincible.
No one knew me..well if you put aside the fact I got nicknamed “ugly duckling”..
I had braces on since I was like 5. I wasnt even pitied and considered fine. My hair was a mass of spongey thick cobweby mane…it never could stay flat so I was constantly walking around with natural dreadlocks because it hurt alot to run a comb through it.
I had a look of misplaced priorities. I was too short for a girl. Clumsy around the edges. Infact i was a total mess. I sucked at practically everything. I was an overly timid child. I kept to myself and it was obvious i didnt have friends. No one wanted to hang with a girl who lacks all sort of “Everything”..I was a loner.
It even sucked more that I was in thesame class with jayden. The only thing I was good at.. was drolling over his cute face and breathtaking smile..his smartness and the fact that he was like everyone’s favourite kid. I wasn’t even jealous..I just liked him pretty bad and wanted to be his friend at least…maybe I would die happy…but it couldn’t be helped.
It didn’t matter how many times I passed his seat to get to mine
Or how many times I helped to pick up his pen when it slips off his bag..
I was sitting directly behind him practically my whole life and he never noticed me.
Ah mean we lived just a few feets apart and he never knew my name..
Well…am sure “ugly duckling “would ring a bell. I wouldn’t even had minded if he called me that. I would smile and be happy for the rest of my life…If only wishes were horses right..
It took the grace of everything divine to help me not to flunk exams…
All through junior high…I followed him like his invincible shadow. I knew his time table and made it mine. I attended all his classes …I didnt even like maths…but for him…I brought in all my A-game. I had to beg mother to sign me up for extra moral classes..
I hated spots. But I attended all his games and cheered the loudest.
I had to be there for everything that he was..everything that he needed. It didn’t matter that I stood and watched by the sidelines…..all I wanted was just to be able to see him everyday and listen to him speak smart and make all the girls swoon after him by merely doing nothing..jayden didnt have to try hard for anything. He was a total genius . His aura was electrifying and at thesame time captivating. .
Then one day. Out of the blue..
The stars shined down on me.
Oh! I felt the rays of the rainbow parting the cloud of mist and it parted like the red sea and he stood there right in front of me…
Mr Kenny had given each of us an assignment and we all were asked to pair. Everyone wanted to be paired with jayden. Ofcos…I also wanted too but I didn’t dare say it out loud. ..but the class was in chaos. .
Mr Kenny had to reshuffle with numbers. .and alphabets. 1a will be paired with 1b Ecetera. ..we all had to pick randomly. .which we all did and left.
My hopes were dashed but I will live..
I didnt know who my partner was untill mr Kenny comes back baring the goodness. .
The shock on everyone’s face when I got him…jayden.
I didnt even bother to listen to their cuss …at this point I didnt care if they called me methusah ….I was going to be jayden assignment partner for a whole week….
Which meant ..we would talk… like literally talk….ok about the assignment but who cares. There would be talking atleast.
There would be Constant hanging out together…my house or his …it didnt matter….to Erm rub minds…oh lawd! !
And most importantly I would have the opportunity to be up close and personal with him…maybe touch his hand and run my hand through his hair…ok that is far – reaching …
What a girl can dream right? ? Bite me!!
But the mere fact that we may have to share something common ….screw the fact that it’s just an assignment….but to me . It would be a start of something new…I would have to be with him for a whole week…..ahhhh
Ok now I could die. .
Even my mother couldnt understand the reason for my constant glee.
I made extra effort to tame my stubborn hair..
I stayed up most nights to read up so that I don’t come off as being exceptionally stupid and dumb when he asked me questions. .
I even had to wear pretty dresses and tiny makeup . Just because I wanted to look good for him..
But you see I was always a colossal fuckup.
I would stare at him stupidly
Clumsily spill drinks while drinking
Have no answer to his questions because am busy thinking about how beautiful his eyes are…
His hands looked too good .like one who played the musical instruments
I wondered if he ever thought of me
I even envisaged him asking me to be his girlfriend. ..
I was intoxicated. …i was as obvious as a large toolbox in the center of a baby shower. ..
Exactly. .what is it doing there..
What’s the correlation? ?
Same thing I should be asking myself. .
Me and jayden are off..
Opposites. ..like oil and water…we can’t mix.. .misplaced …uncordinated. ..I had no business nursing such thoughts….neither did I have any business drolling all over our assignments. …
I had never felt so embarrassed in my life…
He had to snap me out of it .
By shaking me..
He felt disgusted…
The look on his face was certain..
And his next words shattered me
“Are you this dumb and literally stupid. Drolling all over the place like a three year old…
Gosh!! Look I get it…but can you be less obvious…
Now see what you did to our assignment sheet..
You know what….you aren’t even smart or contributing to this …..I will handle it myself. Don’t worry about it. I would tell Mr Kenny you were a good sport. You are welcome. Please just leave..I get really can’t stand ugly girls much less about dumb one…here take my hanky. .you can keep It.”
Did I die…
Yes…literally. …my heart stopped
I wished the ground would open up but no…I stood there transfixed in my whole mess…
Just two days. .Two days….and my hopes and world shattered. .
Not only did I embarrass myself. ..
I did it infront of the boy I was crushing on…
Not only did he talk and look at me..
He called me stupid and ugly…and felt disgustedky irritated. ..
Up untill today …I hadn’t felt repulsed about myself untill today…
I felt worse than ugly..I felt hideous
I felt worse than stupid. ….I felt disappointed. …
I gathered myself. .or what was left of myself…murmured an apology and left..
By the following day ….it was all over school..
He had told his best friend who decided the whole school needed a good medicine for laughter..
I even bagged a new name “ugly duckling the dumb drooler “…..and a caricature that have resembled a thing the cat pulled out of the dumpster…
Finally I became popular
Everyone knew me
I wasn’t invincible anymore
I was laughed at ..mocked and jeered at..
My life was officially fucked.
All because of my love for the most handsome boy I have ever met …
I couldn’t take it anymore..
After the semester ended…and the summer kicked in….
Come new fall. ..
I never came back…
With my heart on my sleeves
Leaving the boy I left behind
The world of the tease and taunts and hatred
Leaving the trend of the ugly duckling whose drooled over a boy and got shamed…
I had to leave it all behind.
Cry over it.
Learn from it and move on..
And i did .
But 15 years later…
Here i am..
Without braces….Without the awkward and clumsiness
With silky black mane of hair….that bounced effortlessly. ..yes I learnt to tame it..
And I looked like what the gods crafted especially out of beauty..
And there he was….as always ….even after 15 years… He looked like a Greek god…sexy as hell.. still a total babe and my heart did the fast and slow thing at thesame time…but I was older and wiser…plus I could handle it now…
But you see…life icotts a tease
Years ago I was drolling all over him
Now years later…He had his mouth open…in shock .awe and maybe abit of stunned dumbfoundness. .
I too became a total babe
And i was a sight for sour eyes..
I walked up to him..
Glad he recognised me..
“Close your mouth jayden…
You are drolling “…
I walked away knowing his eyes followed me…assessing…admiring me…desiring me..
“Ugly duckling is back in town. ..
By god …she ain’t ugly no more…
Is just had an heart attack”… I heard him say….
I smiled again. ..before putting on my glasses and walking into the sunny streets of where I used to call home..
It’s Christmas in a few hours..
And I know what i want for Christmas. ..
To be continued