When it never ends..how do you begin again??

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Xoxoxoxoxox

He was the second person i had to say No to..in less than a week
But he was as faceless as they each had been..
standing sidebyside. ..in a line that stretched as far as the sea..
My heart broke..
For the many more that would come and would receive nothing more and surely less it would seem

Seating across them as they eagerly poured their heart to me..
Filling my ears with sweet melodies that should make me swoon right on my seat..
But I listened with my ears but my heart was shut tight..and keys thrown away too far for reach

You see. ..
The reason was nothing more than what  everyone would have lived..
Once or twice maybe more than all would believe..
But how do I ever tell them than my heart aches from a wound too deep
That no amount of pleas could help me to trully heal..

I know I deserve better..
That’s a story myself need not be told to believe
But how do I ever forget..that love that felt so surreal
Though it broke and shattered entirely  all of me..
But all of me was all that I could always and ever give

I thought I had moved on..could move on and be able to let another in..
But everytime I try to get up and stand on my heels.
The ghost of my ruined love’s past would fly in..
Baring heart and all..Visibly on his sleeves..
My eyes would water. .my heart would melt and my love would return ..when he begs to be redeemed and make things right. .There on his knees
But a lie it turns out ..to very well be.

So please ..I hope you understand why I trully can’t be..
All that you want and want me to receive..
Because though you might mean well and want to sweep me off my feet
Be my prince in shinning armour..
Ride through the rainbows and swear to make me a queen to you as a king..

But how do I do that…when am all messy and broken as anyone could be
Scared and withdrawn..For my trust and expectations of people ain’t what is used to be..
When my fears and uncertainty play hide and seek but seem to be the only things I dare see when you all are seated right there infront of me..

It hurts me to see that all that you need from me I dare not let you have your fill..
I need to fix me ..mold me ..build me back..enough to believe
That there are a few good loves out there..
All I need is to take a leap and hope I will be caught while am falling so I don’t end up all broken by the knees

My past had made me to be..A ghost of what I used to be
Unsure of the world and I stir uncertainty
So how do I say yes to you..to them..when I can’t even be able to understand what the future brings..
I need and deserve better…I know that. ..but there …!!there!! try not to plead. .
My heart aches already for hurting all..
I swear I could hear them bleed..

But I need time to remember me
Time for forget what it used to be
Time to be able to find myself alone
Before I allow another the chance to be with me
Be sad..feel bad..but please please don’t hate me..

For it was one..
Just like you so long ago who preached what you preach now that broke me and thus made me what I hate to see
And despite the hurts and ruin..
My heart and being still beats for him still. .
So don’t blame me ..If all I want to do is to mend it..and hope it’s a done deal..

But if that never happens..and all that you all are, felt and want had gone with the sea
Just know…I will understand and I hope we all can seat down for a drink..
And then maybe one day..
I can smile across to you at the table..
And all I see is me through your eyes and that’s where with no regrets and with all surety and certainty. . I would always  love and rather dare to be.

Xoxoxo

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