My lover dead and gone…

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My lover is gone

********

“May God forgive you.  But I will not “…
Was the last words he heard me say before showing me his recinding back, while I held on to the dying man who I had loved more than life itself while tears stung my eyes making my vision blur.
I looked down, his head in my hands and his eyes turning white. Red stream trekked from his open mouth dropping to the ground. My fingers slid into his skull  where there was once strong skeletal form..and flesh covering his head with thick maze of silky black hair. But instead all I felt was a hallow gaping mouth with thick cloated moisty dark mase occupying a place where his brains used to live.
.
My tears fell tip by tip, like droplets of a rain..wetting his face..and I began to rock him back and forth, singing a lullaby as a mother would to a sleeping child., hoping to send him to neverland to be with Peter pan.
But this wasn’t a madeup story.
There weren’t  fairies like tinker bell and captain hook and swords and pirates .
I was singing him to his death. .knowing that the end was all that he saw. And the end was all I dreaded for…for him gone..was like me dead. For he was my all..and without him..it was my end.
.
I slowly rolled him off my thighs. My white dress turned red, my fingers a shade of an artist’s ink. My eyes bloodshot for crying hours unending. My body shook like one who was about to erupt . And I rose up like one dead, eyes unfocused and mind disturbed. And the only thought I had was of the unbearable pain in my chest..and all I needed was for it to stop. The anguish and pain like demons fighting within me..

“All the angels and demons live within you..you just need to choose who you give the key to and who you kick out “…He used to say. Laughing in that deep throated voice.  His smile radiant as well as his rugged fine features. And for every step I took..memories of both of us together flashed before my eyes, and each with piercing knife twisted in my chest.  I needed it to stop..I need to make it stop. .stop hurting. .I need to stop feeling…only then..only then can I trully live. I walked on..unseeing.  yet focused yet disillusioned. My mind was not my own.
.
He backed the door, taking a long drag of the cigarette. The pistol lay on the table next to him. He didnt turn when he heard me come in, instead he said.
“Go and wash yourself. And come to me. “.
I didnt move. I usually did. For fear, of what he would do. What he usually did. I would cringe afterward from pain, stringed wire to my back tearing out my flesh. Fat cane to my buttocks swelling my soft behind. Starved for days and bloated from malnutrition and hot knife to my thighs and slave written and re-writen on my delicate form a little over a hundred times, scaring my beautiful body. Then a play thing to him when I am well. Tied hands and legs, gagged to stop my screaming while he plunged through me with his rod that doesn’t ever get satiated. Leaving me sore and bleed for hours and days.

“A slave I am. A slave I will remain.  To pleasure my master till my end”..
That was my anthem right before I strip and be bound till he was done and slept.
.
Karim, sweet sweet Karim.  A tender to my wounds. A feeder to my starved mouth. A protector from my master. A lover to my soul. The only man who loved me for me. Slave or no. As opposites we were..in shade and in colour..in religion as well race..yet his heart and mine beat in thesame place..for him my heart loved. And for me..He died to protect me once more..from the clutches of the evil master and the desires of an unsatisfied beast.
.
“Go wash yourself and come to me shetiba! !. “…He turned facing me
“Or by god I will have you in your lovers blood and make sure you enjoy it as well. Next time you will never ever allow another man own you. I am your master. You are my slave. Slave to my house and slave to my bed. And just like Karim,  many more will fall, untill you are dead and gone when I have had my fill sweet shetiba. Now come to me..and do not tarry..my patience has run thin..but my rod still stands despite .”..He ordered.

I stood there watching him. And for the first time, fear left me. Instead rage filled me and fueled my thirst for vengeance. I stepped forward..undressing myself.  Holding his eyes as I saw him smile, removing his birches.  I stepped closer, face to face. Close to him..close enough to lay my hand on the table. Close enough to let him touch me. Close enough to clasp it.close enough..just close enough…
.
I closed my eyes for a brief second..seeing his face. Hearing his voice..feeling his love radiate through me..knowing my end was sure .knowing that we would meet again..soon, sooner than he thought. .and then we would be free to live as one..slave and friend..unafraid ..to love each other as we would till the end..
.
He turned me..Bending me over, ready to plunge..
I felt the cold mouth as it touched my tummy. I fingered the trigger..at the same time, i felt him…his tip about to enter me..then I pressed it..
It ripped through my body, through his and shattered the window behind disappearing into the pool. And he slumped,instantly on my back, dead. Gone.
I lay on my tummy. Laughing out and coughing out blood. Knowing I had no regrets.
“Master is gone. No pain. No anguish. Just empty shell. “I wispered.
“Am coming Karim. Soon we would be together”…my eyes blinking . Trying to stay awake and slipping into unconciousness..
“He won’t hurt me anymore. He can’t hurt me no more sweet karim  ” ..i felt life slowly epping  away..
“Now we are free..Karim.  now we are free”..my voice trailed.  My hands dropped the pistol. My heart raced to a standstill and my eyes saw..saw only his face and then nothing. Completely nothing. . I knew I was dead.

*****

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