The first time I ever saw you , you were seated with your best friend Ian , second period had just finished and there you sat… as always, laughing and teasing ..just laughing with your head thrown back..much like a little boy’s .
No that was not the moment I fell inlove with you.
But indulge me why I tell you when.
You see, I was the shy new girl who was a transfer student out from the states, I was really quiet and never a people’s person so it was easy to get lost in the crowd, to be invincible, not being noticed but it was okay. I didn’t mind much.
All my life had been like that.. the girl no one sees.
Well it wasn’t just the fact that I wasn’t pretty, had a mass of black curly hair and wore the most annoying nerdy glasses..
It was also the fact that I didn’t fit into your world. .. or any world for that matter.
While the girls who was aways around you was hot, beautiful and…. well…hot.
I was too smart to be in Mets club.
Too ugly to be in the cheer team..
Too unsexy to be in the popular girl’s team and too uncool to be the cliche you were in.
There was no way I would ever be that girl you would ever dare to look at.
But that wasn’t even the reason I wanted to be part of your world…or what made my world turn into a beautiful chaos.
It was on a Saturday, one of those gloomy Saturday mornings when I had gone to the beach with my family, and because I had always loved my company , disappearing for long hours to bask in my thoughts..I had wandered off…to be alone.
I sat on the beach, my feets curled within the cool Sands .. and I sat there, watching the horizon …I sat there, dreaming of horses and princes, fairtales and castles.
I know, I was such a dreamer.
But ..a girl gatto dream right ?
But there I sat, watching the water leave it’s wide expanse, dancing as the currents of the waves teaches it a new tap, and then it would flow, tickling my toes beneath the sand, it coolness rising up my sides and brushing my thighs. .
I will giggle, because it felt like a lover stealing sensual moments from a very alert partner.
While I sat there…minding my own, I turn away when the breeze lifts up the Sands, leaving tiny particles almost in my eyes, I wade it off with my hands as I turn away to the side..and just then. . That moment.
I saw you walk by…
Silently, in no hurry you walked by, bare foot, shoes in your hand as you held it from the laces tied together, and the other hand in your pocket as you kicked the sand at every step.
The shirt your wore was unbuttoned to the last and like wings they soared behind you..
The chain you always wear around your neck sparked because the sun kissed it…
And you had this peace around you ..Like you were not slightly bothered about the chaos in the world. ..and you strolled the beach… passing me ..with your brown shorts and clear pale beautiful skin…
I didn’t realise I was staring until our eyes met..
I looked away embarrassed. ..
Unsure of what to do and unable to stop the blush rising up my cheeks I turned away, clasping my hands and willing you to go away so I die in my shame…
I close my eyes and I hold my breath
I let it go and let my eyes open wide .
I hear nothing….just the rapid beating of my heart and the whoosh whoosh sound as the waves hits the rocks standing by.
Good.. you were gone.
I hope you didn’t recognise me..
I look down at myself. ..
Well I wasn’t wearing those baggy cloths I wear to school for once, my hair was in a bun, no glasses , just a girl in her bikini enjoying the beach…
Yes… I figured you would definitely not recognise me, I thought… besides, you didn’t know who I was.
I was the invincible girl in school remember?
Then I turn, feeling a presence, frowning I look.
I saw the feets first, close to my hand…
Then I look up…just then you bent and I swear it was the most beautiful blue eyes i have ever seen.
I gulped down , blinking rapidly, the blush comes back in full force …. I could literally feel the pink blur my vision.
I stammer …
You say “Hi” sitting next to me on the sand
I stutter an hello, then I look away.
I wasn’t dreaming right?
Peter, Peter just sat down beside me right..?
“You look different Tess” You had said
You even knew my name, I had almost wandered if I was being pranked there and then, then I look around slowly,too slowly
Then he laughs , ‘you are strange”
You had told me.
No one was lurking ,no cameras. It’s been 10 minutes already and no one had busted out of the sand maybe buried beneath it or swimming out of the wide ocean or running towards us from the little cabin-like-houses screaming “Gotcha!!! Or Prank!!!”
I turned around to face you when you speak,
“Do you want me to leave, I am sorry I just swamped in on your time… I was passing and wondering why you were seated here alone and I just wanted to …iono… give you some company”
“Why” I kept asking myself till this day why that was the first word that came to my mind and I just blurted it out
But here was the kicker…
You told me….he told me you wanted to get away from your friends you see.
That they were around somewhere , and you just got bored from their drinking and screaming and doing all kinds of wild stuff.
You wanted to be honest with me
“Go ahead” I had told you
You told me..for the first time looking at me, that. …most of the time you had always wanted to not do what they do.
That you’ll rather be at home during school days, read, watch a movie, play games, take a stroll around town..walk on the beach, have a talk with a friend… and share special moments with soneone close to your heart…you say, the usual okay stuff .
That was the person you were.
But your friends, They loved the wild life, the partying , the smoking and girls and boys talk, doing all things crazy and to them . It was fun.
But it wasn’t for you…
And today, like one of those days you just wanted to get away, and bask in your own silence and company, walk the beach to the end, walk back, swim if you wanted to and then you would go home ….and talk with your parents. ..
You said you loved the bond you shared with them,they weren’t like other parents who didn’t make time for visiting children.
You see,while you talked, there was this certain happiness about you…when you talked about what you would love..
And when you talked about things you did for people just because they wanted you to, your eyes becomes sad…and your voice drops.
You loved your friends you say, you loved spending time with them…
But sometimes you felt like you were losing yourself completely to their wants and desires and forgetting to live for you.
Then you sigh, turning to me again after letting your eyes wander along with your words.
“And you? You are abit of a loner right, why”?
I turn away “because I like being the person I am, the way I am without having to explain to people all the time. ..I. ..am not exactly social so its easy to be a loner, getting lost in the crowd, where no one knows me.’ ‘
“And don’t you feel, lonely in this your loner-state”
“No” I lied and there was no word or words like “loner-state”
“Lair’!” You bend your head to the side , smiling abit
“Honest ” I bite my lip turning away, I couldn’t admit that I was lonely and sometimes it wouldn’t hurt to have just one friend to talk and laugh with even though for a few minutes
“You don’t have any friends, you come to school and leave hardly talking to anyone, you sit alone at the caféteria, you don’t join any team in school, not even the voluntary department for miscellaneous. ..you just breeze in and breeze out, and you keep wearing oversized cloths and that glasses and then everyone hardly pays you any mind……and you tell me you aren’t lonely?”
“But how…how?” I was curious because if you didn’t know me and didn’t pay me any attention, how were you accurate in your statement
“Its because, even when you think no one knows or sees you,they do. For one, . .I know you are very smart, the way you answer questions and most of the time you don’t want to but they make you answer. The way you talk, the fact that you look for solutions to solving any problem arising..the way you drink your water, tipping up your glasses so it doesn’t fall off and i laugh because it wouldn’t, but i guess you are just self conscious that way..and oh the way you smile when the little kids are playing , the way you climb the staircase two at a time to class,and the way you leave before anyone notices you had been the one solving the maths on the board, ….and the way you smile slightly, with your lips curling at the side, when you realise that you got the answer right when you murmur it underneath your breath and then the teacher gives the answer. .or is it the way you eat you chips, dipping it into the ketchup and biting off the red stained area little by little before you finish it up…Oh if you think people don’t notice you, you are wrong. People notice people they want to notice .” He says facing me
“And it’s the people who think they are invincible that are actually very quiet obvious ”
I blinked again, shaking my head I turn away..
Then I hear them call out your name…you answer getting up. .
That moment I had wondered if I should say anything more but I couldn’t. ..I didn’t know what to say…
So I say nothing as you dust your shorts ,ridding it off the Sands that had attached itself to your cloth butt.
“I hope you stop trying to dissolve into the crowd Tess, sometimes, there might be someone who wouldn’t mind picking into your little brain and know what goes on inside there, someone who would love to share the company only you could give ”
“Someone like who?”
You smiled walking away “see you around Tess”
I watch you dissappear into the arms of your friends , as they each wanted to touch your face or your hair or your shoulders and soon I knew why,they had lifted you up and then in another brief second ran towards the ocean and as they waves came, as soon as I heard your screaming, as soon as you were swallowed up as you were tossed into it, it whisks you a little distance away and brings you back…
They stand laughing and pointing..
And then you come out, shaking yourself from the water and then you chase them…the boys,the girls…you chased them and then I don’t see you or them anymore…
I turn away, back to myself…
Here …here was me wishing that I had a bit of that…and here was you wishing you had a bit of mine.
Life was funny, life was ironically funny….
But even more strange was the fact that…
You seemed to be the one i looked forward to seeing every day..
But when I feel inlove with you…
I am yet to tell you.
You see, after then, after that day…
It was a week later we all came back to school and then I had thought…
That must have been a moment of weakness on your part…boys like you don’t talk to girls like me..
Boys like you teased girls like me, called us weird and make funny weird comments against us as we pass and laugh and taunt us just because…
Well I knew that much because. …that was what you and Ian and the others did,while the cooler ,finer , sexier girls would drab around your shoulders and laugh wholeheartedly to your jokes. .
So you see why I knew I didn’t fit in your world, because your world was much different from mine…
While mine was a rose garden , red roses, peaceful,yours was a chaotic beautiful mess with you at the center of it all…
So you understand
But we had returned and just like you,you sat there, with Ian, and the others…and everything was going on as normal and I passed by, ignoring the laughter thrown my way and the taunts calling me uglier than I’ll ever be.
I heard you laugh. …my chest tied into a twisted knot. .
Breath Tess,just breath..
I keep walking , untill I find my seat,far away from the rest, far away from it all,I sit there…..
And I realised that that day, that day must have happened only in my head…
I close my eyes and I open it, putting food in my mouth, turning away from the crowd
Then I felt it, like a presence toweling over me and I looked, again I notice the shoes now, then I look up as you bend, siting down opposite me…
Then you lift your hands, into my plate and then you take a stick of my chips dip it into the red ketchup and little by little you bite it, chewing the tip stained chips untill it finishes , just the way I do… then you take another and continue.
I look at you ….then you smiled
And I swear I didn’t tell my lips to curve, I didn’t tell my heart to flutter, I didn’t tell my eyes to sparkle but they all did..they all did…
And I knew,right there..right there…
I felt something strange in my heart for this boy
You see, I had always seen you from a distance, watched you from a distance and maybe slightly hoped that you would notice me to…
But who was I? The weirdo to even think you would..
But you did. You did , you have always noticed me but…you…you were just….being the person they wanted you to be and all you wanted to be was to be free…free to be you
Free to walk across the room and eat red stained chips with the geeky nerdy girl who wears baggy clothes to school with her funny glasses and wave of curly black hair..
The girl who loved to read and smarter than kids her own age and that they called weird..
The girl who laughed at silly little things and enjoys the company of children, the girl who didn’t quite fit into any where but her own world…
Yes you wanted to be free and I think the moment you left them, walking all the way with their eyes on you and taking a seat with me and laughing with me …not at me..was the day you trully became free…
And just like that, a day never passes by without you being there with me, a day never passes by without you telling your friends to stop teasing me,stop teasing others..
A day never passes by when you didn’t want to …walk me back home or walk me to school…
And now, now we are these two inseparable people. ..
You were my friend and I was your friend…
And sometimes,those moments when we seat and talk into the night .
Those moments when you tell me good night and climb down my balcony.
I wish I am able to tell you how I trully feel…
But. .I couldn’t. .because, sometimes it is better to keep a friendship the way it was than lose it just because .
And so I let it sink, sink deep into my heart and I never said a word.
It’s been two years now..you and I. ..
And today,today we graduated
I stand at the balcony of your house, today…watching the sun go down
While your friends screamed and partied inside, while the music climbs to the roof and enters into the houses of others..
While everyone cheered and had a good time.. I stood outside, watching the sun go down, seeing the stars shyly making a return to the deep blue skies, a place they appear perfect, blinking and shinny…I stand there.. I just stand there.
I didn’t hear you come up behind me…
But I feel your presence , something I am used to by now so I don’t turn,no I don’t. .
“What plans do you have for the future ” I had asked you . So many dreams and aspirations.. everyone had them
“I don’t know, same ol’ with everyone ” you had said, standing where you are, not coming close
“What are your plans ?” You asked me
“Go to the state school, finish, get a job in the city, maybe teaching kids, chase a little dream I have of painting and sculpturing, then at night I would dance in the streets walking down , I would stop and have the cold stone icescream everytime I can, then when I am content and happy, I would let my dog sleep on my bed and hope he doesn’t pee there and on holidays I would travel the world ….and when I am home, I will love and be loved ” I said smiling
“Do you know what I would love my plans to be Tess” you asked as I felt you come closer
“To always have you in it” You said
Then you turn me, to face you. ..
“You have been a crazy part of my life in the past couple of months, the sanity in my insanity , the tiny little voice of reasoning when I almost lose myself, the laughter amongst my laughter and the perfect chaos in my mess…having a life without you in it is all shades of incompleteness, and having a world without you there is a state of being void. Tess, you have been my friend and confidant , my trouble maker , and the girl who trully gets me….and that is really rare and I hope , I have hoped for a long time that whenever I decide to do that which I am about to do that you don’t freak out and I pray you don’t. Now we have graduated and who knows what would happen here on out, I want to tell you, even if I don’t get the positive response I hope to get but I want to tell you anyways , because in life there are risks and sometimes it’s better to try than not try at all’
“Peter?” I call you, you were standing so close to me and I could fell your heart beating fast while mine was almost threatening to fall out of my chest…
I wondered what you wanted to say, i feared it…..
I hoped.. I hoped you weren’t about to …tell me that…you were going away, far away and that we might never see each other again…and that meant that I would never be able to see the one I had loved right from the start, let alone tell him…
No.. “Peter, I have to tell you something ” I shake my head, I have to..I had to…
“No Tess, please I have to tell you something first ” you try to stop me
“No please Peter wait, don’t tell me..don’t tell me…if not I won’t be able to tell you..please…Let me tell you first , don’t tell me” I begged holding onto you tight,then I shake my head closing my ears I say ” No no no”
But you remove my hands ” tell you what? , I shouldn’t tell you how I feel about you Tess, I shouldn’t tell you how much I keep thinking about you, tell you how much I want to be around you and miss you when you aren’t here, I shouldn’t tell you how you complete me and when you aren’t there all I feel is empty. I shouldn’t tell you I think of you in ways and colours that don’t exists, I shouldn’t tell you I wish you would hug me so tight and don’t let me go, ? I shouldn’t tell you how you make me smile, make my heart beat fast and slow at the same time when I see you ? What shouldn’t I tell you Tess, that I love you? That I have been in love with you right from the first day I saw you walk through those doors with your geeky nerdy glasses and cloths a tad too big for you,and how you try to hide in the crowd and you didn’t want anyone to know you for you. ..right from the first day I watched you eat like a kid and laugh at silly things. . I have been in love with you for a long time Tess and I didn’t know how to tell you and I was scared to, but I knew I had to try, so I did, in a way, i had ti start from somewhere, i sholved up my pride I had to become your friend first because I felt you would reject me if I came all out like that, because. .well I was a jerk to people…but all I wanted was to get you to notice me..because I was burning for that…I love you …no..I am I love with you Tess and what the future holds for me had to be with you in it…..thats my plan for the future …to have you near me, heart ,body …everything. ..and I didn’t want another day to pass by without telling you. I wasted 2 years already..no…Maybe three…. I wasn’t going to waste another..”
I was staring at you, with eyes and mouth open,
Breath Tess, Breath!!
One Two Three
“Say something ” you said to me, closing your eyes and opening it. .”please”
“Did you mean everything you just said? ”
“Yea” you nodded…
This wasn’t a dream was it?
No..this was real.
Here I thought you were going to tell me something else…something devastating and here you were telling me the thing I most wanted to hear for a long time…the thing I had felt for a long time but scared to tell you …
I didn’t know what to say..
“Tess, I am inlove with you, ”
“I heard you the first time ”
“So, what do you say ”
I turn away “well, now that you have said that, mine wouldn’t be so cool and emotional like yours ” I say smiling
But you turn me again to face you, “What did you want to say?”
‘”Well, before I say that , just know that you stole my thunder and you beat me to the most coolest and most wonderful moment in the history of my life but I forgive you ….because I love you too. No scratch that…I am inlove with you too Peter … as long as…well not as long as you ..Maybe even longer ” I smile
“Okay….why didn’t you say anything. ..for over two to three years you kept quiet ,why?”
“Probably thesame reason you did…” I say
“Well, I guess its my duty now to make up for lost times yes?”
“What do you have in mine Champ” I look at you..
“Well, first, there is this tiny little thing we have to get out of the way first because it is driving me crazy…”
“What is that ” I frown
You pull me closer; snaking one hand to the small of my back and the other below my chin
“I have been dying to kiss you Tess Mcclurre, and if I don’t do it now I may not be able to think straight ” you say lifting my chin higher up as I go on tiptoe
“Peter Stevenson, I have waited for this moment for a long time. ..I thought you would never ask’
As out lips meet , savouring each other’s sweetness, I wrap my hands around your neck and pull you closer ..
And I knew that today was the begining of my faitytale, castles ,and horses…I already found my prince..and and he had been standing right infront of me for soo long I was afraid to reach out and touch him…
You see, the moment I feel inlove with you was the moment showed me your heart, made me see that you were much more than the person you wanted people to see. .
It was the day you showed me your heart, letting me see all that you were, your flaws and imperfections, your scars and mistakes , it was the day you let me slide right next to your heart and you held me there…
Loving you has been everything I had always wanted it to be…
Beautiful in a perfect world of chaos, you have been nothing but my perfect complete bliss….
And today and always…I would continue to love the person you have become Peter and the woman you have made me to be….
Because you ..you are the love of my life, you are the complete piece to my puzzle, you are the entirety of which I assemble……and you are all that I wanted. ..and did have..
So you see…..Peter, loving you wasn’t a duty, it was breathing. ..
And today, as I say my vows to you…I want you to know that I would love you when the rain stops and when it begins, when you are grey and old and weak, I would love you even when you can’t love yourself,love you even when love isn’t what you want to hear, in sickness , in health,in good times and in bad times, in worst cases and when you are at your high or your low…i will love you even when you have no more hairs and all your teeths fall off…Yes don’t laugh. ..i will love you today,tomorrow ,forever and a day more because loving you is living Peter, and you are the life that I have always wanted and you gave me the fairtales I always dreamed off…. I love you and I don’t know how else you tell or show you than to say it and live it with you for the rest of my life and this …is my love letter to you…..
Yours faithfully. ..
Your wife .
Mrs Tessandra Stevenson💞
IT’S ALL ABOUT LOVE YO!!!
#JUNELOVE #ALLABOUTLOVE #GOODLOVE #BADLOVE #JARSOFBROKENHEARTS #FEELGOODLOVE