•I THINK OF YOU IN COLOURS THAT DON’T EXITS!!
Today, today I am at the pier again, standing there and staring at the water, unsure why I am even here.
Today, I am walking through the market place, buying sweets off the plates and licking them as I go on my way.
Today, I am seated at the cafe’, watching a Rugby team play and trying not to pay attention to the cute couple snuggled up together and enjoying the game.
Today,I am alone in my room, like every other day…but my thoughts always goes back to you.
Today, I make up my mind to forget you, while I smoke on my cigarette and blow thing air and watch it evaporate.
Today… I see you again, strolling by, watching you smile and I wonder if I would ever let you go from my mind ..
Today, I am torn,between loving you and losing my mind …
It’s been so long…too long from the first moment I saw you up to this very point. ..
I watched you from a distance
Not courageous enough to come close
Not sure if you would appreciate the gesture
Don’t know if you would even reply to my hello
It’s been so long I felt this way..
So long that I can’t trully tell what it is I feel..or what i even dare to say.
But one thing is sure…
It’s so clear that I can walk blind to where you stand..
Because my heart right now can find you even with my eyes closed..even in sinking sand.
But what do I say..?
When you never even for once looked my way..
To be cautious..yes?
To be afraid…Mehn I really don’t know.
Everyone tells me to stay away..
You are out of my league..
I can’t even be able to take you to expensive nice places other than the lil cozy places that I can pay atleast..
What do I do when the world is against us being together and yet walking away is no option..because my heart can never be at ease.. because all I see is your perfection.
You don’t know..you don’t know that…
I think of you in colours that don’t exist..
Because when I see you, I see beauty in red, yellow ,mixed in blue and gold …and it’s all melted into the beauty of you that can’t be defined.
Because you are different from anyone I know..
I can never even begin to equate you with anyone I would ever know..
The way you smile..
The way you focus..
The way your eyes lights up..
The way everything stands still just when you are there..
You are a beauty beyond comparison
And this has nothing to do with your physical attributes. . Or that you have a fair complexion.
I fell for your heart..and I know it doesn’t know me yet..but I pray one day it does. .because that is where my love is meant.
I don’t care about the barriers that keeps me away from you..
I don’t care that my friends and your friends say we arent gonna be together or look good together. .
I don’t care about race and all that..
I don’t care if you are black and I am white..or I am white and you are black..
That’s just colour..that is just some words made up to keep us apart and keep our love locked up.
Dont you see?
We are red within..when we bleed
we both see the stars when we look up,we both smile when we are happy and cry when we are both hurt.
We both see the colours of the rainbow when the rain falls, and we both enjoy the warmth of a lover when they give us.
But you..beautiful one..
You give my heart a dance that I can’t even pray to stop
I think of you in colours that don’t exist, because when I see you…I see the beauty of nature and the miracles of the Great one ..
I get warm and cold and I still can’t keep my mouths shut…
I stagger and I stand still and I still can’t still my breaths or make it stop.
I point to a mixture of colours,pour it on an artist’s board and make your face out from the beauty of it all…describing something that is yet indescribable. .. and everyday I fall inlove with you all over again..
Take my hand..
Give in to the wind..
And let me have this dance..and take you to places that you can only dream.
But again….Today… I see you pass by me, laughing , with your hands being held by another as his eyes wonders to another woman..
And I hope one day you would see that someone, who watches over you really loves you enough to stay away from the love that makes you hurt ..
Today, I fall asleep, with you in my heart..and I wish tomorrow I am able to forget the girl that makes me loose sleep and see things that I can’t make meaning off .
Today, I see Jane..
And I know tommorow, just like always, I would see her again .
And just like always, I won’t be able to say her name..because, I was told to stay fxxking away..
Today, he is there again..
watching the sea dance as boats come to dock..he is staring at the sea, oblivious of me as I stand not very far from him..watching him still.
Today, he is strolling in the market place, I see him buy something off the plates , I wanted to see what he got so I bought one for myself and when he turns I walked into the next stall, not wanting him to get a whiff off me.
Today, I see him at the café, I was there before he came in,there is a rugby team playing and a couple he had turned to look… snuggling and smiling with helpless glee and I wonder, wishing that one day, that would be me and him.
Today, I am on my bed,wondering, just wondering what it really means,to like someone who doesn’t even think of me..
Today,I don’t fall asleep because when I close my eyes I see him here,right here next to me and I know he would also be in my dreams. ..
Today,I see him again, sitting by with his friends while I walk pass him,my hands in another..and I know he..the one that holds my hand is staring…not at me but at another whom is not so far from me…he thinks I don’t see him, but I do, and it hurts me deeply .
But him,the boy that seats at the corner, I still feel him looking at me…but I smile at my other, telling the world, showing them I am happy, but deep down I am not, because the one who holds me doesn’t love me…and my heart had stopped trusting him…but wanting another who would never probably love me.
Today, I tell me I have to forget him, the boy I see at the corner.but how do I forget someone when all I want is him?
They say,they say we are not of the same cliche. .
They say that he is black and I am white..that our skin can’t be mixed because men like him don’t and can’t love women like me.. and we are never meant to be.
They say that all that he is.. is nothing but a man who is thirsty and would jump to another as soon as he gets me ..he would be done with me…faster than I can beg please .
They say and they keep saying…
But one day i ask them…
“..what about the one who is with me now…all he does is sneak out at night when I am asleep, and I find him at the corner with another and his tongue down her throat and he never senses me standing there. . .
“What about the one who claims he loves me, when all I see is lies and pretence and a text that was never meant for me..?”
‘What about the one whom I gave my all to, what did he do if not to trash it all and an excuse when he gets caught..
“What about the one..the one I sleep next to and yet all I see is a stranger in my bed because of the person he has suddenly become, how much of this constant pain do i have to endure.?
“What about the one I have to pretend to the whole world with that I am fine and that we are fine..but deep down…that is just a lie?”
“You say I can’t love another and even if I have to love another ..you all say ‘Not the one who sits by the corner…why? Because we aren’t of thesame colour ? When all I see is his beauty within his thick skin and different shades of my own complexion. .”
Oh today, I fight with them again, because they don’t understand how I feel. ..they don’t walk a mile in my shoes in my own two feets..they can’t see that I might love the stranger…the boy who seats quietly at a corner staring at nothing in particular and sometimes I feel he stares at me..but whenever I look back all i see is him ..not realising that I yearn for him..
Today..today I have to forget him..
But how do I forget him when I’ll see him again..tomorrow, just like every other day… and I’ll have his name on my lips…
“Gabriel!” But I won’t be able to call him..
Because the whole world thinks we can’t be together because of the colour of our skin ..but they don’t know…that all I want.. is to be near him and be able to hold him not only in my dreams but in reality too…not only when I dip my hands into a bucket of mixed paints and splash it on that clear board and see his face in colours that I know.. don’t exist.
****JANE AND GABRIEL POVS****
You see, she was sitting there alone, crying as he left her alone.
I watched her from the corner, while her friends gathered about her reassuring her.
“He is going to come back,you know he always does, he doesn’t really like that girl, a fleeting moment, a side attraction…when he is done he is going to come running back to you..you know he loves you Jane, he loves you? ” they tell her
“And all he does is to cause me so much pain…this isn’t love…this isn’t what love is meant to be or feel like. ..this isn’t what it was supposed to be..this constant pain is killing me”
I had watched her cry, a couple of times before today,and I knew she wasn’t happy..I knew he was nothing more than a person who didn’t love her so much to care and value her enough to love her unconditionally. ..
“Don’t ..don’t think about her ” a friend says , tapping my shoulders, turning my face away
“You know you can’t mix with their kind?” he adds trying to turn my attention fixed on her away
I don’t answer him, I didn’t have to.
I only knew what I wanted, what I desired and what I dreamed off.
I hear him, I know he means well, I know he cares and wants me to be safe.
But you see I didn’t care about none of that… I didn’t. . All I wanted was to take her pain away, to stop all the ache and make her feel whole again…
While she cried ..while they comforted her and while we are apart in our own world’s yet thesame….i knew what it would mean for me to get up and cross over to theirs would mean a war I was not ready to fight. ..
“For your own good Gabriel,you don’t want to go meet a white chick and talk to her , we have nothing in common, you will be beaten up, and worse things could be done to you”
“It doesn’t matter. How do you expect to love someone and not have challenges….that is when it is tested” I tell him
“You are crazy Gabriel” my friend says shaking his head
” crazy is good sometimes but No, today, I have never been so sane in my life ”
“Gabriel, don’t. ..” he pleaded
I made up my mind…
Today, today I was going to do all what they didn’t want me to do…
“Believing in the possiblitly of love conquering it all”
Taking a risk, plunging into the river and I pray I don’t drown.
Today…I was going to talk to Jane. ..
And I pray I come out of this whole and thesame .
“What the hell does he think he is doing ?” They had begun to whisper
“Is he out of his mind ?” Some others say
Jane raises her head up,and turn around wondering what they are saying…
“Someone should stop him, his kinds don’t come to our corner…who the hell does he think he is…black Nigga. … !!!” Another person says
Jane looks up and then she sees him, walking towards her, she had been crying ..crying from the heartache she feels, crying from the pain her boyfriend had made her feel, a couple of times too many, too many times he hurts her fragile heart and everyone keeps telling her…
“forgive him, forgive him when he comes back, he loves you, he is going to come back to you when he is done messing around with them… ”
she was crying from the lie she keeps telling herself….that it would get better but two years and a couple of months after, it only gets worse .
She had been crying, tired of it all,wanting to let go , despite it all…she was done..and if he comes back she swore she would kick him out the door….
She was crying from pain ,from it all and in the midst of her tears….
There, walking towards her, not a care in the world, not bothered that everyone on her side and his side is about to go to war…
Not minding the vipers ready to pounce on him and rip him apart. .
Not minding the flood going high ready to bury him under water..
Not minding the words thrown at him like daggers , not minding the fact that maybe just maybe his aim might be defeated. He didnt mind at all…and as everyone begins to tell him to stay away…
He kept walking towards her and for a second her heart skips…
The boy,that same boy who seats by the corner with his friends and going about bod life..he was walking and walking towards her.
Ignoring the girls who sat around her, holding her hand and giving her a shoulder to cry on, ignoring them all he comes to stand infront of her, he bends down to her level and he says
“Are you okay? ” he asks
He had the most beautiful eyes up close, and his voice was warm and soothing that for a moment she closes her eyes, and then opens it, a few tears find their way out
“Get up and leave here you Nigga! !!:” they tell him,
He doesn’t look nor listen to them, his eyes are on her..
“No!!” She cried , “but you shouldn’t be here, ” she tells him
“And you shouldn’t be crying ”
“Move you Negro” someone slaps the back of his head
He winces ,he didn’t move
“Beautiful girls shouldn’t cry, here” he says putting his hand into his pocket and giving her an hanky…”You should wipe your face, it would get bether ,eventually …but you have to stop crying first ” he hands it to her, she stares at at.
Someone pours a cup of juice over his head..
He blinks as it passes his face down to his cloths…
He licks his lips..
“I always liked apple juice ” he says
She laughs ,she shouldn’t. ..but she did, not because he was being humuilated,but because he found humour, something to smile about despite his present state, he was one leg on his knee while the other he rests his arm which was bent . He had a smile on his beautiful dark face, and his teeths were white..but he was a beauty even for a guy.
“You are crazy,you should leave,please ” she says, worry greasing her forehead
“Until you stop crying and wipe your eyes,” he says
Now there are five of them standing behind him, while they girls cuss him, the boys hit him hard, with their fist and with her planks..but everytime he is hit or put down, he gets up, not fighting back, he would stretch out his hand …with the hanky still there .
“Until you stop crying ” he says ignoring them
“Get the hell out of our hall you Negro!!! your place is in that corner…where the charcoals of the earth stays, with black bodies as dark as your destinies, don’t jinx us with your black blood,get the hell away from our corner your dirty pig “!!!! They hit him again and again.
Now her worry was intensified, she feared for him…
“Please go…please ” she begs ” leave him alone, leave him alone, he is leaving ” she pushes them away from him but no one listens, she turns to him…”Go please , please ” she needed him to leave, not because she didn’t want him near her, but because she didn’t want him to get hurt because of being next to her”
“Not . Until. .you ..stop ..crying ” he is back on his feet again, the blow to his head was hard., he winces in pain. .his hand barely rising above his shoulders
She quickly grabs the hanky from his hands, dabs her eyes with it, making sure no single tear drops,
“I am done crying ” she says,
“Promise ?” He says staggering
“I promise ” she tells him
He smiles…then he drops to the floor, fainting.
She screams rushing to his side, touching his face ,begging him to wake up
“That serves him right , he would know never to cross parts with us again..Leave him there Jane..leave him there, don’t contaminate your skin with their dirty skin” they pull her away from him, two of them drag him by his leg and push him away , far away from them, rolling him to fall back to his corner, where others like him are on their feets….grabbing him from the floor as soon as he reaches them, they get a glass of water, sprinkling it on his face…
“Wake up Gab,wake up” they begged
“His head is swollen, that bat must have been swung too hard” another says
“I told him not to go,but he didn’t listen. Blacks don’t mix with whites, never have, never will, why does he feel as though it would be different with him. ..” his friend says
“Help us take him to the hospital, there is a slight cut to his head” they concluded
They lifted him, and they left with him while the other students stood and watched….
“Why did you all do that,why, don’t you have a heart ?” She pushes them, hitting them, screaming at them
“Only a fool would walk into a lion’s den knowing he would be eaten yet he walks in. Didn’t he know that he shouldn’t even dare to cross boundaries with us, didn’t he know that he can’t and shouldn’t dare to talk to our women…doesn’t he know that the fights between us as since been long before he and us were born, didn’t he know that to us,they are nothing but slaves, blacks, washed up Negro and by right they are beneath us.?
Just because they have been allowed into our space doesn’t mean we should let them stay and allow them the luxury we all share…didn’t he know that he can never belong…..??” They scream at her
Shaking her head ” you all are worse than animals…. they are humans…as much as we are..they eat, breath, sleep, bleed,hurt and cry for joy just like us….forget the colour of their skin,they are like us and we like them….you have no right..No right i to harm another!!”
“If he comes crossing borders we will do more than harm him, and if he dares come close to you…we will make him sorry” they say
“What I will do with my life has nothing ..nothing to do with you” she points to them
“You should fix that roaming boyfriend of yours ,maybe when he gets back from flirting and sleeping around in town, he can put some sense into you”
“Animals!!!” She spat, crying and turning away,entering into her house and shutting the door on their faces..she slips to the floor and cries, not for her heartache this time but for the boy,the quiet boy who sat by the corner but who stood up coming towards her and got hurt trying to make her feel better..
She cried for him….
“Now, now you would stay away from her” my friend tells me
It’s been two days since that day, my whole body hurts and my swollen head had begun to go down
“Tell me how does getting beaten help you in anyway? Stay away from them, from their everything. .just stay the hell away”
“I can’t Jake, I can’t. .” I tell him
“Can’t you see what they did to you? do you want them to do something worse? Can’t you see that they would break you in two if you dare repeat this stunt? there are other girls out there..in our skin and colour, why her”
“Because,because I think of her in colours that don’t exist, I see her in red, black,blue,inbetween colours that I can’t describe, because my heart beats fast and slow when she is standing by, because there is a smile in mine everytime she smiles,
Because when I close my eyes I see her there like she is near, because there are so many things that makes her perfect even in her flaws, because she is Jane and she makes all other girls so plain
Because…because ……my love for her can’t be decribed and attributed to anything. ..
Because Jane….it has to be her and no one else. ..and I was done trying to wait for that miracle to happen.
Yes I am in pains right now…but within me there is a certain joy I feel that she saw me , that she looked at me and in a little way she fought them for me..that is enough ..that is enough”
“You really are crazy Gabriel, she would be the death of you” he tells me giving up
“And I would die happy” I turn away , he didn’t realise that I meant it. My life was incomplete and I knew that she would be the reason I become whole….
And so today I lay in bed,hoping that she really didn’t cry anymore, and that one day..she finds that one who would make her not hurt again.
I hope one day she finds me.
She wonders about the boy,if he is okay.
She knew that they meant what they said when they said they would harm him or anyone else of his kind stretching to their corner ..
But she wonders if they wouldn’t do anything to her if she went to his?
Besides she needed to make sure he was okay and apologise to him about the way he was disgraced
And today,while she sat there, she saw him, a bandage to his head, a slight one to his arm and he talked to his friends. …oblivious of her standing there. .
“That Negro, hope he likes the way he looks now, that would teach him” her friend says , and the rest of them , they laugh
The one whom she loved…or have stopped loving hadn’t shown his face for a week. She wasn’t bothered, if he ever returns to beg it would have been too late because she was long done, she should have been gone right from the moment the hurting began…but for now, this time she was done.
“He is a person” she tells them
“A person who we obviously don’t care about ” they tell her
“I pray they all die, that they fall into a hole and die for all I care, why did they allow them into our school,why not let them back into the hole they crawled out from, such disgusting monkeys! !!” They spat
She shakes them off as she would a sand of dust,then she gets up,
“Where are you going to?”
“I am tired of this venom , I am tired of the hate, I am tired of the separation and segregation …and I am tired of you all and your messed up traits ” she says grabbing her tray of food and walking towards him
”Jane where the hell do you think you are going? Come back here”
“To here you will never ever dare to go because your ego is bigger than your own two feets” she says over her shoulders crossing the line boundary to the other side
“Jane !! Jane!!”
“Why is she coming towards here?” they ask
“Why don’t they stay away,we don’t want any trouble ” they say
“Please go back, please stay away, we don’t want your kind to think our kind wants trouble, we don’t. ..” they tell her
But she ignores them…staring at him as she crosses all the way to the other side, standing infront of him
Jake taps my hand , “What? ” I ask him
“I think trouble just came walking towards you, let’s go man” he says indicating , making a move to get up
I turn to see her walking towards me….I turn to see her looking directly at me..I turn and I knew there was no way I could turn away
“Gabriel,let’s go…c’mon ”
“No!!” I shake my head, I seat put
“Gabriel, you don’t like yourself do you?”
“I do, that is why I am done asking for what ifs and maybes and wondering what trully love is real….and because I like myself I want to live, to enjoy it all,to be free,to fall hopelessly inlove, to hope , to dream. .and to not wonder what ifs”
I tell him staring as she made her way to me.
Unlike her corner, while people literally threw daggers at me through their eyes…
Here, everyone look at her with fear. …
Fear of her presence and what it could bring but i didn’t mind.
“Hey, I am jane’ she says to me, hovering , towelling me as I sat
“Hi, i am Gabriel” I tell her,pushing the chair for she to seat.
We stare at each other as they stare at us…the people from her corner stare at us in hate and soon their voices aggressively dies down when she ignored them and the voices from my corner lingered…
“Gabriel, let her go from here..they would come in their numbers and we are not allow to defend ourselves…” they pleaded. .
I didn’t want her to go so I tell her instead..
“You want to leave here?”
“To a place where there is neither black or white..and they wouldn’t mind our presence for a little bit”
She nods,and while they watch..heart in their mouths and fear climbing up their sleeves more for themselves than for my fate , we leave. .
“Where is this place…?” She asks me
“It’s my house” I tell her
“Yes I know..but where is this place to you?” She wanted to know
“It’s my little bit of safe haven” I tell her
We were seated on a tree,right outside my house., through the window we climbed , hanging on the roof of my house
My parents were inside, unlike others they smiled a warm smile, letting her feel better than most.
“Does it still hurt?” She asks me, pointing to my head
Shaking my head ” right now, ? Not anymore”
Maybe because for the first time …I didn’t have to talk to her in my head and think about her, she was near and all my pain meant nothing.
‘Why did you do it?”
“Do what? ”
‘”Allowed yourself to be beaten? ”
I shrug “i don’t know. I guess I was tired of seeing you crying and I wanted to make that stop”
“No one can make it stop or make the hurt away”
‘You don’t know that”
“Yes I do, no one can trully understand the pain I feel, no knew can make it stop , no one . And it hurts. ..”
I look at her sadly…”Yes, you can make it stop ”
“By letting go of the pain you hold on to,that is how”
“When you wear a shoe for long hours and it is tight or too small, doesn’t it hurt?”
“It does ”
“Don’t you remove it and toss it away and maybe never have to wear it again when you have the chance to, don’t you feel relieved? ”
“Well, yes I do”
“Problem solved. ”
“But what if the shoe is sentimental attached to me, what if I care and love the shoe, do I throw it away just because it hurts, it would be okay eventually I just have to endure it till then”
“Yes they are beautiful shoes like that that mean so much to us,but do we keep letting the shoe hurt us just because it is beautiful and it is sentimental attached to us?
One day your feet due to the constant pain would go numb, they would be incapable of feelings, then when eventually the shoe gives way, goes bad and it leaves you instead what happens to you?
You become unfeeling for another shoe, you eventually feel nothing and then you are unable to give your love and attention to another shoe when you see it becsuse you lost your feeling to another holding on too tight eveb despite it telling you it’s not right for you by hurting you ”
“But it is only you who can free yourself Jane, only you” I tell her
‘I have tried.”
“When you need to be free…you try harder unless you would keep hurting. And I don’t want you to keep hurting.”
‘Why, why is it anything to you ?”
“I don’t know Jane, it just is” I tell at her..
There was a commotion downstairs , voices coming overhead. .
“What is going on??”
“I don’t know, let’s go check” I tell her as we make our way down,going back into the house and down the stairs to meet my parents outside..and a crowd of people infront with sticks and stones. ..
“Jane!!! Jane !!!” They chanted
We came out to meet him amongst them, the one she loved, he lead them as though he cared.
“Come here Jane, don’t you know they are infidels,castAways, dirts and scum of the earth,come here Jane ”
“Father, mother, go in please ” I tell my parents..
“Son, go in, we would handle this”
“No, you go in, please ” I begged pulling them back behind me, Jane stood there
“You are back? ” She asks him
“Yes I had to, I heard you left with a person that doesn’t deserve my acknowledgement..and I know you did it out of spite because I may have done somethings to hurt you, but please come back, let’s work it out, do not let yourself and image be dented by their dirts . Come Jane, come please ” he begged “I am sorry” he says
I look at Jane,wondering what she is thinking. … and I wonder if she would listen and go back to her place of hurt or break away and be free..that is what she deserved , her happiness..
though I may love her but I’ll rather nibb my love in the bud for her happiness , whatever she decides what her happiness is..
She stares at me and my little family of mother and father and me..
Then she stares at the crowd of people who supposedly came out to bring her back to their corner. ..all white skin like hers..all holding a rock or a stick ..some sort of weapon and she looks back at us….suddenly we are no longer three….a few others from the neighbourhood seeing the commotion and hearing it have come….standing behind us . ..and all they wielded was fear,not a weapon in sight …yet they came out..to support their own.
Even if they get hurt in the process. ..
She looks back at her people…and she felt sick to her stomach..
So much hate ..so much strife. ..so much need for violence all because they felt they were right.
She had been here in Gabriel’s presence and all she felt was peace.
She had met his parents and all they told her about the men in black skins were a lie… they were loving and kind and they didn’t judge her for the cloth which was the skin she was born with and that brought her peace.
It didn’t matter wether she was white and they were black. .
They was something loving about the way they treated her…and that was the home and environment she would love to be in…
Here she was at a crossroads…to go back to him who stands on the other side. . Waiting to start a war or…Stay with Gabriel who had no irking of what staying with him would mean… or that deep down, she had always wanted to be near him,close to him..be with him.
Or go away from both. ..and being free…
“Jane!!”? He calls her again “come Jane, so that we can treat this people never to mess with women that belongs to us” he says
Jane shakes her head ” I am not something that should be tossed about …I am not anyone’s property and I never would be. I came on my own accord and it had nothing to do with you… you and I are done. We should have been for a long time but I held on to the idea that you would turn out better but I was lying to myself…”
“What are you saying Jane?”
“I am saying that you should leave me alone,all of you. There is no war that needs to be fought. I wasn’t dragged , i wasn’t forced…I came here because I wanted to..needed to..”
“With him…that monkey”?? He thunders .
“Yes. With him do you know why?”
“Because… because I do like him..this monkey you call him. His name is Gabriel. And I like him and I have liked him for a long time .. ”
I turn to her..
What was she saying..?
Angered he comes forward and grabs her hand “Come with me Jane,you are coming with me now!!”
No, she..she had to explain what she was saying…that she liked me? Me…!!!?
“Let me go” she screams struggling
“Let her go!” I come forward, he was hurting her
“It would be better that you stay away Monkey” they say,those that come with him
“Gabriel, please ” my parents call out, fear filling their voices..
Do I let her go. .
Do I let her go?
I loved her…she didn’t know that but I loved her..
I loved her and I knew where she goes would only hurt her…
Do I let her go…
Do I let my heart go with her..
I was torn between choosing her or losing myself if I lost her..
“Let me go!!” She screams pulling her hands away and pushing him
“You prefer that bastard over me?”
“You have only hurt me, used me,dumped me and picked me right back up becsuse all I do i sit and wait for you after crying my eyes out to come back..all I did was love and all you did was break me. Now I am done. Done. You left again with some other girl…you are only here because they who came with you told you that I am with another. ..not just another but with the boy who seats at the corner and you come to claim me back? No…I was never yours because you never wanted to commit…so I am done done. I have been lying to myself about us …but no more.”
“You don’t mean that? This thing you say about liking him is a lie, you can’t possibly reduce yourself to liking a Negro!!!”
“Oh you have no idea you don’t. ..none of you do? How I feel is how I have felt for a long time…you see while you left me alone and hurt, I will be by myself and cry and the only shoulders I got was the person who only told me you would come back and I should endure your lack of feelings towards me….that love wasn’t meant to be real. But you see…. you see, whenever I look at him one of those lonely sad days, I see him in ways I have never seen anyone, the way he smiles and talks, the way he laughs.
I could only see him from a corner , only watch him from a corner and only love him from afar… I have had feelings for him maybe longer than I have had for you. But because I couldn’t be with him I settled for you…settled for loving you but all I got was your nothing despite giving you my everything and every day I wish I could be with the one I want but could never be. You see, I didn’t just like him now…I have liked him for a long while…Maybe loved him too but because everyone said I couldn’t love a Negro , a Nigga, someone who is black and beneath I died in my pain and settled for you ….and yet..and yet…nothing ….came out of it but pains and more pains. So I didn’t prefer the Bastard you say to you… I have always loved this bastard you called, I only settled for you…and nd ll nd I respected and loved you despite your shortcomings and all you did was tear me down over and over again. So i am done with you..with us. I am done trying to listen to all you all say….this is me letting go of the hurts and pains and living for once. …choosing love..choosing love despite colours, race,skin ….it don’t care about all that…it just love him and this time I choose him”
I blink staring at her…
Did she just say…she loved me…Did she say that?
And here I was loving someone who loved me right back and I didn’t know. I didn’t know…
He looks away from her and towards me..
“You did this..you turned her away from me?”
“I did nothing… ” I tell him. But I am staring at her… I wanted to tell her too. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her too….
“You caused this? ” he repeats
“He caused nothing. . You did ” she says crying now
“You promised me…” I say to her, she won’t have to ever cry again…not with me
She wipes her eyes …..nodding
He saw that..angered he rushes towards me and strikes me down with the stick he carried..
I was not allowed to defend myself from him,like always.. my kind was expected to take the beating of those who wore the white skin because we were told and taught that we were beneath them and they were superior to us…defending ourselves from them was signing our own death sentence…
Not defending ourselves was still dying…
So I let him hit me..and hit me..
“Stop it please..stop it please ” my mother screamed…rushing to me but he pushes her away..causing her to fall backwards..
I heard her scream..I heard my mother scream…hitting her back
He keeps hitting me and Mother and father come forward and they get hit too
I had to stop this someone…I had to.
Others come to help us…
The others behind him use the opportunity to start a war…
Me,my father and mother and others…curled up on our sides as they hit and inflict pain and during the mist of all these..
I see her,being held…by two others, keeping her away from us..
She screams..I see her tears.. I see her pain for my pain…
I see my suffering mirrored in her eyes..
I see her tears…not for her but for me
He wouldn’t stop hitting me..
Then I see her release herself..and without thinking she rushes to me..falling over me with her arms as her body becomes my covering…
He hits her twice before he realises …
Dropping the stick he stares at her as she curls in her pain..writhing in it …
“Jane?”” He calls out..
But she wasn’t moving…
The stick had made contact with her head..and she wasn’t breathing. ..blood trekked from the back of her head..
I knew because I felt it drop on my cheeks …getting up I slowly push her away from me..holding her…I see her…faintly breathing. .
“Jane?” I call out… “Jane?” I touch her face…
Everyone had stopped moving…
It was okay to hit our kind. ..but it was a crime if they did it to their own..
“Jane?” He calls again…
Then he turns back and he runs away …
The others follow him., leaving her in my arms as she bled…
She opens her eyes, a sad smile on her face…
“Hey Gabriel, I should have told you how I felt. ..way before today, I should have told you how I felt when we even had the chance today…up there in your safe Haven, I am sorry I caused you much pain, maybe I should have stayed away but….. ” she coughs, her pain visible..
“Sssh jane , we would get you to the hospital. .” I say getting up and lifting her,I looked to my parents..
“Go” father says. “Your mum isn’t badly hurt”
“Go” my kind says… “We are fine, get her some help” they tell me
She laughs silently “you see, even in their pain, they are still selfish. .my people could learn from this ” she coughs. .” My head hurts Gabriel..it does” she says
I was running now, running with her in my arms..
They wouldn’t let me go in with her, they tell me to drop her on the ground so that they could take her from there without touching me
“What did you do to her?” Her kinds wanted to know at the hospital. They were ready to cause me more pain for harming their own
“He saved me..he saved me ” she breathed…before she went to sleep
They drag her from and left me to myself…
I should have today her how i felt… I should have…
I laid there on the cold earth all night. ..far from the gate because they wouldn’t let me come near.
Today, it would make a month since i saw her…. went back every single day to search for her…
But just like the day before….they sent me away with stones and sticks..
But I wouldn’t stop going , I couldn’t.
She loved me..she loved me.
And I still haven’t been able to tell her I loved her too.
Today I am seated in my corner, my thoughts of her never ending..
I wonder if she is okay now, no word from her, not even from the hospital..
And I didn’t know if she had been discharged…yet.
I would go back there again today…
And again tomorrow until I see her…and tell her how I felt.
Today I sat there, …staring into space..
Until someone blocks my viewing space. .
“Hi, my name is Jane” the voice says
I look up…”Hey, I am Gabriel ” I smile at her…
Now for the first time, her people turn away ….
They realised that there was nothing they could do now, she had chosen her parts and who she wanted to be with…
And mine..they welcomed her back…
And me? I smiled .
“Does it hurt?” I point at the bandage around her head
“Right now? Not anymore ” she sat down beside me
“About…about what I said I know I dumped it all on you i just wanted to-‘” she trails off
“Why are you smiling ?” She asks me
“Because Jane, you have no idea how I feel do you ?”
“How do you feel?” She turns to me
“I feel like I am walking on water, soaring over the highest mountain”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that, I have loved you too Jane. No not loved, I love you Jane. Everyday I saw you,every day my heart stopped . Everyday I saw you and not being able to talk to you i literally died. I watched you and could only talk to you in my head. I watched you love another and I died ten times over …because I saw you hurt and I could do nothing.
Jane, I think of you a million times a day. I fall inlove with you a trillion times over.. I love you and not being able to tell you tore me to pieces. See I have nothing other than me. I can’t give you all that he gives to you…all I have is my heart and that I will freely give you. My love, my time, my heart, body and soul. And maybe we can go out on dates but I can’t take you to fancy places and buy you expensive gifts but I can make you smile on a daily with the little things I can give you…
I think of you and I never stopped thinking about you since I saw you when I went out walking and stood staring at the water from the pier .
When I close my eyes I see your face, when I paint …my hands keeps mixing colours that i turn into your face.. and when I go to sleep I dream of you.
Oh Jane I think of you in colours that don’t exist ,even the rainbow colours can’t compare to the beauty you sum up to…nothing makes sense when I think about you, nothing does.
And to hear that you have feelings for me….I died and went to heaven jane , and not being able to tell you how I felt gave me sleepness nights…
Jane I love you..I love you and I have hoped and prayed for this day and to finally have it within my reach and not able to tell you I loved you kept me going back there every day to tell you but they wouldn’t let me through.
But you are here and I am telling you…I love you Jane. I love you” I tell her
She is smiling ..
“Why are you smiling ?” I ask her
“Because ….we are both silly for staying away from each other just because.”
“And you aren’t bothered that where ever we go people are going to stare at us, I may get mugged and beaten sometimes and they my curse you too?”
“And my skin?”
“It’s black..I am white.. we both have red blood running in our veins. It doesn’t matter to me none”
“What does matter to you then? ” I wanted to know
“Here…what’s in here ” she touches my heart “What you feel and what I feel in there and the fact that I love you too Gabriel. .that is all that matters to me.. your skin, my skin,our colours and race is nothing when love is present…that is all I want. Your love. I love you too Gabriel…i love you insanely and as soon as I came out….all I wanted to do was come searching for you and here I am…right here..with you…where I have always wanted and dream off, now I don’t have to wish it ot yearn for it…now I get to live it. I love you Gab ….”
I hold her hand, i touch her face. ..pulling her close to me I hug her right. .placing a kiss to her forehead.
Yes this was what true love felt like.
It didn’t matter what color our skin was, it didn’t matter if we are of different races . It didn’t matter if one is supposed to he superior to the other.
It didn’t matter about any of that..
When it comes to love..it breaks all barriers.
And I am glad that finally…she found me..and I finally found her.
And I was willing to give her all the love I had.
Much more than she had very had
Today..I didn’t just talk to Jane.
Today I told her I loved her and I found out that she loved me too.
Today…I and Jane are together ..
And I still think of her in colours that don’t exist, because my love for her couldn’t be explained , described or understood….and I’ll love her till I am
Old, grey and blue.
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