I have come to realise that troubled waters don’t stay still.
How could they? When someone picks up the pebble stone and tosses it into the water, it would dance in its wave and keep going, more like a ripple effect only calming down back to stillness when the pebble stone had sunk deep into the waterbeds.
Well that is how my heart feels now.
I thought I had stopped feeling. I thought I pushed all those feelings of hurt and pain away, locked it into my box of bent up emotions and threw away the key.
Forgotten, lost at the sea , never to be remembered.
Never again to shed a tear, never again to long.. to want..to yearn.. to feel .
But life had a different twist to that atmosphere.
It’s wasn’t love at first sight, No!
It was attraction then it knocked me off my feet when I least expected it.
I had swooned a thousand times just staring at his beautiful face and then fell inlove with his heart that ozzed all that made me tingle from my insides all the way to my feet.
I had butterflies that sang and danced, mehn I never could stay still .
I lived for what we had, I fell hard and long. I was happy. We were happy. Or so the facade led me to believe.
Trully things aren’t what it always seems to be.
We had laughter, we had love, we had fun and we had us, we had peace and then he had HER and then everything went to shits.
All our years of tranquillity and togetherness crumbled to that little piece., that three lettered word “HER”
I had waited too long, given too long, wanted too long, loved too and worked too long to let go what I had thought was mine.
But the wrongest battle to fight..is the one you fight alone..and the one who you are fighting for..leaves you utterly and all alone.
I read a story once ….
About a girl who fell inlove like me once..
You see the person she loved?
He was wild and free
She was soft and gentle
They fitted in their imperfections
They glowed in their glee of togetherness
Their path crossed when they least expected it..
He was crazy as she was beautiful
Their infatuation was chaotic as their love was rare
He had the flair and spunk of someone supreme
She was the shy girl who adored him off the streets
He was the king..
As though of the jungle
As she was his lady in waiting. .
There was something wrong with their love story..
But none of them could see.
He wanted to travel the world and cross the seven seas
She wanted a home and a man to wake up to every morning and be a father to her kids.
Their focus were different
Their dreams even more idealistic from where they stood…
He hated to be tied down..
To anything. ..much less to anyone..
He wanted her by his side, when he did,
And he loved his space. .when he did.
She was his woman…
Only as the word signifies. .
But he was a man..
And his own boss..
No one on earth could change that..
She hated to be anyone when she could be the only one
She needed to be called a bride..
Not just to nurse the thought if it forever
And only see him on his knees when she closes her eyes to dream
She loved being in his world than being alone in hers
She wanted to be his everything other than just his woman…
Which he seemed to have at every corner.
She was a lady..
Prime and proper
But a man needs a queen by his side. .
And for him she would gladly lay down her crown just because he asked.
Soon the fights began
The uncertainty set in
The insecurities was a thing of constant banter
He wanted to fly
She wanted to stay in and close the gate of the cage and hide herself in the warmth of his wings..
He hated being told what to do
She hated that he didn’t listen to reason.
He felt she was crowding his space.
She felt he wasn’t even giving her a chance to allow his world revolve around her
The late nights and disappearances were more frequent than the blinking of her lashes
The unanswered and unread messages caused more tears than she could scoop on a daily.
Why would you want to hold on to someone who wanted to run far away as though he had fire burning it’s tail?
Just because your heart beats fast and slow for someone at the same time didnt mean they are meant to remain in your life? She was asked.
But you see,she was inlove. They were inlove or so she thought.
He was young…
He was a man
And he wanted to be wild and free
A specie that didn’t want to be tamed,
Who had his whole life infront of him.
How does loving that person stop him from living a life he dares to live..? A question he oftened asked himself.
He may love her..
Or just the idea of her ..
But he loved his adventures more..
To dance with the ambience of nature
To jubilate with the drums of freedom
To bask under the disguise of youth
To be who he wanted to be..
Wild as lion with furs and skin
free as a bird delicate with wings.
Unbridled with enthusiasm for all that he deems fit..
After waiting on for what seemed like ages
After mending all what he ended up breaking. .
After clasping the ropes of hope but having it been cut off.
After loving but having such love only when needed..
She decided to let go..
And let him be him..
Because no matter how much she loved, he didn’t love back.
No matter how much she loved, he loved the life and freedom more.
No matter how much she loved and loved, forgave and loved, he sunk into the warmth of others more and never did apologise for his wrongs.
So one day, when the fights became more than the breaths she had, when the tears wouldn’t stop filling up the buckets , when her bed was void of warmth and her heart of his love, and when she saw him leave more than he stayed and when he told her he needed to go away….
She lets him go. ..
Hoping that that saying ” If he loves you, he would come back for you ” would come true, but she realised too late that those words aren’t always true.
She let’s him go..
And without a second ‘ s thought..
He flew, just like a bed caged happily to be set free, he flew,
High to the mountain top
He walked like a king..
Out the door, a perfect smile to his face and a gait to his steps and not a word saying “Goodbye” and “I’ll see you soon”.
He walked out of the door and out of her life , as though the master of the wild life..
When she had waited a year and then some, nothing but silence hitting the door, she realised that he was not coming back..
Because people like that never liked to be anything they were not
Changing was a thing as alien as it should be..
And she knew..
This love was lost..
And she decided never again..
Would she ever..
Dare to love a wild thing!!
But you see, I thought her story to be pathetic and sad, I even shed a tear listening to it and I had wondered why she would want to love someone who didn’t want to be loved.
I wondered why she was willing to give her all to someone who had numerous others and didn’t really give her what she was worth.
I wondered why she loved someone who wanted to be set free and why it took her so long to let go of the love she had for him and all he did was watch her burn..
I wondered and I wondered, feeling pity for her and scorn for him..
And I was glad he flew away as a bird would and that with good sense she swore never again to love a wild thing.
And I told myself that I was thankful it wasn’t me becuase I would see a wild thing from afar off and I would be smarter not to let it close and even smarter to let it go .
But you see, no one trully understands the dynamics of the heart until you are the one on the other side of the divide and you are loving someone so utterly true that without that love you feel incomplete.
I never realised that I could be that girl in the story till i met him .
At first he was beautiful and he was great.
Loving him felt like heaven and there was nowhere I wanted to be other than in his arms.
But when the novelty of fit wore off and when I began to see the cracks on the wall I held on , day after day I cemented the cracks on the wall with my love and I hoped for better days…and some days he got better and then other days it got so bad that all I did was lay down and cried.
But every single day when he walked through that door he came back home with a lie.
And after five years of giving my all and all i was ever worth, he leaves a message on the table telling me he was done..
“Its not you ” he says ” it’s me”
But i knew that was all a lie
“You suffocate me , I need to breath, I can’t do this anymore” he said while i sank to the floor
“I want to be alone, I am not seeing anyone, I want to be alone” he says
But last night while i went into town with my friends, i had seen them both , my boyfriend and my best friend making out , right before they entered into the apartment with a red door and i know that place well.
It was the hotel he had proposed to me when we both want away for our third year anniversary together.
I had been so broken and shaken that. .i stagger falling to the ground unable to speak when spoken to and crying loudly .
Going back home I sat in the dark and waited for him.
We had a fight , yeah we did and he never for once admitted that it was him.
‘How dare you follow me??’ He screamed
“You nag too much. Yes you do!!!”
“It wasn’t me , I never cheated on you” he screamed
And yet i was holding his shirt and her lipstick was smeared on his collar and her perfume filled the room
“It wasn’t me ” he screamed again
We slept on separate ends of the bed and by morning, he was gone leaving me the note..and all that was written was “it’s your fault Christine … you make it hard loving you, you make it hard. It wasn’t me but I guess if you don’t believe me it’s fine.. I am done trying ”
So I cried and I cried, I picked up the phone and I begged because I loved him too pieces and I didn’t care, i forgave him
“Baby i forgive you, please okay, I am sorry , just come home ” I cried into the phone.
It took a month to get him back…
And I felt okay, I wouldn’t bring anything up,i would be the best girlfriend I wouldn’t even nag.
And by God I did all that.
But now it wasn’t just me seeing him around town with my best friend, it was others seeing him around town with other women too.
“Why are you still with him”? They wanted to know
“Why are you friends with her still? ” they didn’t understand it
“I need to look past his faults and wrongs and weaknesses, I need to. It wasn’t him, he would never hurt me like this ” I told them,watching the disbelieve in their eyes
And my voice wouldn’t shake and my smile thick.
But as soon as they leave I would put on the shower, sit under it and cry to my heart’s content and when he comes home, going to sleep I would smell her all over him …and I wouldn’t be able to do anything.
And for another year he went from bad to worse till the extent that he didn’t care about my feelings, and he didn’t bother hiding it at all.
And we had another fight,
“I can’t ,i can’t keep doing this ” I cried
“I was done a long time ago Christine, I only stayed because I felt sorry for you” he says
“What are you saying ?”
“I am saying that I don’t love you, never did. We had fun,we had crazy fun while it lasted but…i don’t love you, if I did before its all gone”
“You don’t mean it David, you don’t ” I reach for him,he pulls away
“I do, I do. There is someone else, there have always been someone else for awhile now Christine and I think I love her ”
My heart broke
“She is my best friend…how could you, you told me nothing was up with you too”
”Well I lied Christine, I proposed to her last night”
I couldn’t stand , I sink to the ground. .looking to my hand, I still wore the diamond ring he had slipped through my fingers over two years ago promising me his love and ever-afters
“But you are engaged to me” I breathed
“No, not anymore ” he came to me, taking my finger he slips it out and I couldn’t stop him,every inch of my body felt weak.
“Please don’t , please don’t , I love you, I love you ” I cried
” but I dont, I can’t and I won’t. Goodbye” he says leaving with his bag he must have packed while I slept.
You see, the pain and anguish that followed was enough to send me to the sick bay.
I couldn’t eat , work or live .
I was hopelessly distraught and everytime I tried to get back up,the pain like arms weighed me down
Everytime I try to live I see myself falling.
So I reached out and kept reaching out and all I felt was a hard wall.
I never confronted her, I wanted to, I wished i had…but mama used to say
If you had to fight over a girl to keep a man, you already lost him becuase a man who wants to be kept wouldn’t let another woman ruin the special love he had with you.
So if he wants to go. Let him go.
“Never love a wild thing ” remember ?
So after months and months of crying through my pain and letting to live without his love.
I had begun trying to live, I had begun trying to let it all go and soon I did.
All of it.
Like a bad box of Pandora I threw it into the ocean and tossed the key into the burning furnace and watched it melt
It’s being awhile i shut that door of pain and hurts.
Of David .
I sank, i lost , i gave up when he was the one who first let go of me without a thought , and by God I held on only as much as I could.
But like a bird he wanted to be let free and so I had to let go.
Eventually letting go was the only option that would make me survive, and i gathered the pieces of my heart and locked them in a jar of broken hearts and let it flow away to the sea.
Or so i believe.
But you see,
Love in itself is a force one can’t truly really leave
Just when I had thought that chapter of David had closed and I had moved on.
Now i stare at the message begging me for a chance.
“Hey baby, it’s me. I know I messed up, and I know you hate me and I know I have hurt you so bad, so bad thinking about it brings me nothing but shame and unrestless-ness. But I need you to forgive me. I can’t justify all I have done, I can’t begin to understand the pain I have caused you or the suffering I put you through, I know you never want to hear from again and I wouldn’t want to hear from me again too but Christine I am sorry, I am so so sorry.
I thought I had it all,i thought with you all you felt for me was wrong. I am sorry. now I know, that you have been the only one who loved me for me , you saw through my flaws, my mistakes, my scars and imperfections and baby you loved me still and I am sorry I gave you up, I am sorry. Give me a chance to prove to you I can be a better man, I can love you wholeheartedly and trully.
I miss you.
I miss you so damn much and I had to trully understand that true love exists. .and I had it and let it go.
I am sorry ,please give me a chance to love you as you want to…please. To love you as you ever wanted to be loved. Let me love you Christine , give me a chance to love you right back.
I read the message, and all that comes to my mind is the hours and weeks and days i spent crying from a broken heart every single day.
I remember all the chances i have given him that he still let go to waste.
I know i deserve better. But the heart wants what it wants. But the hurts never stops.
Where will it go from here.?
Every single day for the past three months his messages came and when I didn’t answer he calls getting my voice mail dropping messages
You see, after him, being with another was just too much.
I had forgotten him..Yes I have.
I think I have.
But I couldn’t move on because..I couldn’t allow another person to hold that much power over my heart and then break it to pieces anymore so I guarded it….
And I guarded it well.
And I told myself. …
David,there was nothing he was going to say or do that would make me change my mind.
That chapter closed months ago..
And I have moved on.
But there is a trickish thing about love,
It messes you up so much that…
Your Yes would be No and your No would be Yes and your hate isn’t exactly hate and your love is a big mountain of love.
And so I ignored those messages, I did.
But all the while as i laid on my bed at night I wonder…
How do one give another chance to someone who had had one too many chances and always shows you why you shouldn’t have listened to his crocodile tears from the begining, and then he still hits you back in the face.
Or do i keep walking away till he fades, with the voice in my head and the beating drum within my chest?
You see, i thought i have stopped loving.
Claiming hate to overshadow the love I still felt..
But everyday I read another message from him, everyday I hear his voice from my message, every day I hear the door ring and I know it’s him.but I don’t open..
I let the tears roll down my eyes and I wonder why my chest feel congested and I can hardly breath and why my heart won’t stop beating ..and my feelings won’t calm down.
Just like…just like trouble waters don’t stay still.
But you see, that is where the problem lies…
It’s that I love him still. I love my lover still.
You still don’t understand ?
Well indulge me while I explain.
It all started in my senior year, he was my crush, and then he became my only crush.
And by college we had begun dating.
He was sweet, yes my David was sweet and caring and loving and by God I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
And for a while I was.
We did everything together , we went to classes , and I loved him.
He was my first…
No. I love him insanely.
But as all love story goes, the Prince isn’t the way in the fairytale stories…
My prince was anything but perfect , and it was when I introduced him to Anita, my best friend did i realise that
“Not all friends were happy for your happy”.
And as we begun to build our relationship, one year at a time, while we loved up and professed to another
Anita, Anita was everywhere with us.
At first I thought….she was being such a good friend..
Offering to do this for David, offering to do that for David, offering to stop by his house to check on David when I wasn’t around..
Offering to do so many stuffs and I swear I didn’t know that all she was doing was making herself very available for my David .
The calls, the texts messages and then seeing him leave his house and i was too stupid to realise that all they did was lie to me striaght in the eyes .
But you see..
David never gave me a reason to doubt him.
He loved me and made me feel special, my parents loved him, my friends loved him and by God we wee perfect.
But perfect was just another word.
And because of Her and so many others , what we had went down the drown, every “I love you” was just mere words, every “I miss you ” was just a cover for his many faults and every “You nag too much” was just a way of pushing blame off his shoulders and back to me
And every “I am done ” was actually his way of telling me that trully he could give me up in a second and I didn’t see it..I didn’t.
But…soon it became clear, that Her, my best friend had taken the only thing that trully mattered to me.
My heart and It broke me.
Because when I couldn’t avoid not seeing the cracks and trying to cement something already broken I began to see the tiny little details that was obvious signs as large as an elephant in the middle of the road.
But you see that was all over.
I had loved him too much and waited too long and he had left..he left..
And I didn’t want him coming back to break me anymore.
So I let his messages and calls go un-replied.
I left the knocks to the door unanswered. .
David was my past and staying in my past was good for me.
But you see the heart loves and wants who it love and wants.
That is my problem…my restlessness. ..
My trouble waters that refused to stay still…
Because today I am sitting in my favourite spot, listening to the water hit the rocks and splash away to different corners and sink back to the waters and then hit the ocean
I am here, legs raised up to my chest staring at the sea and letting the cold white sank hide toes when I hear his voice…
As though he was sitting next to me
“Christine !!” It said
I close my eyes,willing it away
Go away David. Please. ..Go away I begged
“Christine ” he calls away
I need to leave, I was thinking about him calling my name and I needed to be far away from anything that would make me remember him.
This used to be our spot to..
But not anymore.
I made to get up, untill I felt the hand pulling me back..
I turn sharply to see the hand,recognising it before I see his face…
“DAVID !!!” shock vibrated through my body
“Christine , please ”
I snatch my hand away but he grabs it back
“Let me go David, leave me alone please ‘
“I can’t , not untill you listen to me’
“There is nothing you need to say to me”
“There is plenty ”
“Let me go” I push him away dragging my hands but he wouldn’t let go
“I am sorry Christine. ..I am so so sorry”
“I don’t care. I don’t care. ..its fine you can go ahead with your life I feel no more pain, no more pain I don’t even hold a grudge against you or Anita, it’s okay just leave me alone please ”
“No I can’t !!!”
“You can’t just walk back into my life just because you suddenly remember I have been good to you and I loved you. No you can’t David. Please I beg you in the name of everything you hold dare,leave me”
He shake his head, holding my hand still and doing on his knees
“I have pleading for months Christine months. I have been begging God to allow me have a second chance with you and he has been silent. I did you wrong. I did you so much wrong and I am sorry Christine and I know by everything right you shool don’t forgive me , but Christine I can’t live without you. I know it sounds stupid but I can’t. For a while I thought I was living the life but I realise that there comes a point in your life when you realise the real truth. And this is my truth Christine ”
“I love you Christine ”
“No you don’t . No you don’t ”
“I didn’t before. Yes I didn’t. But I do now and I didn’t realise it today. I realised it when I left with her and then others. They gave me all I thought I needed and wanted but it came to a point that all I felt was empty being with them, and soon I grew tired, bored, and I left going from one to another finding that thing to feel the void in my chest but I couldn’t. I became miserable because I expected a level of love from them from what I am used to having from you but none came close enough. And soon after every smile reminded me of you,every laughter, every face and I think of you and for months I fought it. For months I tried to understand it but I couldn’t.
I drowned myself in alcohol, I stayed out nights not to be with another woman but to listen to the water hitting the rocks like you do trying to make sense of things , I close my eyes and sometimes call your name thinking you are the one sitting next or lying next to me and when I wake up i feel an overwhelming shame wash over me…
Christine I wrong you on so many levels, I and Anita and I wish I could say something to make all your pain go away but I can’t.
All I have is me, on my knees begging for you to forgive me. Begging for another chance.
For months I let it all go, the women , HER, I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I couldn’t.
I couldn’t stop myself from wishing I never walked away from you.
There were fine stones and I got distracted thing becsuse you were plain you were nothing , I didn’t realise that your plainness was the reason I was attracted to you in the first place”
“David I don’t want to hear it, it’s over”
“No.. you have to because I feel like shit. I do. Christ Christine all the thoughts I have make no sense, all the joy I felt leaving felt stale, all the freedom I thought I had when you let me go is now a cage, my own hell. I want you back , i want to hide within your arms, I want to be the one to fight for you now, I want to be the one to beg and crawl on my knees for you now as you did me.
Christine I am nothing without you… I am not” he begged
” I can’t ..I can’t I am done. You can’t leave and come back anything time you want and expect me to accept you back. It’s over…David just go”
“I know that babe I know. And I swear if you want me to wait till forever I will.”
“You won’t .. stop saying this David and-”
” I have spent months being stupid and a couple others retracing my steps and here I am , on my bloody knees babe I would wait. Because living without you already is my hell. Being with someone else is torture ..so yes I will wait ”
‘I can’t David ” I let the tears flow ” I don’t love you anymore”
” that’s fine . You loved me when I didn’t love you.
You loved me when I didn’t understand what love meant.
You loved me when I chased other skirts and even when I and your best friend skipped the fence.
You loved me when you knew I was cheating , and I came home drunk with a other woman’s love and perfume. Christine you loved me in weakness and in my strengths and especially when I was at my worst you loved me ”
‘Stop it David. Please ” I begged, trying to pull away
“No, you loved me in my imperfections and my flaws and my really really messed up crappyness. You loved me when you knew I didn’t love you but you stayed.
Let me love you right back Christine. Let me love you the way you loved me and even more. I can’t live without you and I don’t want another day to go by with me wondering what if.
Give me a chance…please ‘” he begged, tears leaving his eyes
“No…sorry I can’t ”
He grabs my legs, crying holding me tight
“This is my truth Chistine..I love you..I love you and I pray you forgive me, but even if you can’t ..even if you never, just know that I love you and I am sorry for all that I did.”
I push him running away , far away from him
But I don’t make it far because I fall on the ground and let my tears flow
I thought I had closed it all up.
I though it had forgotten the love so deep I felt for him
I thought it all gone.
But I was wrong.
I loved him still, I loved him so much and it was breaking me seeing him all bare like that baring it all to me.
I cried and I cried untill I felt his arms around me, pulling me to himself and crying with me
“Forgive me, forgive me..forgive me” he cried kissing my face, his tears mixing with mine and I holding him tight hitting his chest and slapping bis face and wailing and crying calling him all sort of names and letting all my emotions comes to bare
“I hate you I hate you i hate you!!” I screamed.
“Forgive me . Forgive me..Christine forgive me ” he cried not stopping me, he hits himself too,harder than I hit him, he hits himself more,tears turning to blood them when I realise that he had held a rock hitting his head
“For all the pain I cause you,for all the pain…forgive me. Forgive me. Let me feel it too even if it’s a little.. Christine ” he cried
I grab the rock and threw it away , wiping his blood away. It was a crack to his head, something a first aid would clean
“No please…no more ..no more ” I grab him and hug him to myself
“forgive me…forgive me”
He shook in my arms like a man broken who has lost all that he loved and my heart bursts with love for this man
I know he had hurt me so much
I know I had cried tears of river for him for so long..
But love was a funny thing actually..
You don’t leave it ..you can’t trully leave it unless it leaves you
And I guess love wasn’t done with me yet.
You see, as I held him there and cried with him…I realised something
The greatest thing about love…
Is forgiveness! !!
Love forgives all wrongs, all faults and wipes the slate clean
And I loved him, I love my David
And I knew not giving him a chance was me not giving me a chance to happiness
“I forgive you David I do” I held him tight rocking him “I never stopped loving you… God I never stopped loving you”
“I love you Chistine, I ‘ll love you alway and I won’t ever ever make you hurt again ” he cried in my arms like a baby
That was the first time I had ever seen him like this
I don’t know what love has in store for me but I knew this
Right now, this moment. ..
This was my peace…
Having the one I love return back to me.
Maybe the saying wasn’t wrong afterall..
“If someone trully loves you, he would come back for you”
My David did, he came back
He came back for me.
My Lover did and my troubled heart became still.
Soon.. the wedding bells sings .
Soon..years later i am holding my lover still and the love radiating from him is warming my heart beautifully.
My Lover came back…
Sometimes, true love isn’t magic, it is real.
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